


Lost and Found

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Drama, Family, First Time, Friendship, Marauders' Era, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2004-09-03
Packaged: 2018-05-12 15:18:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 46,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5670616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From being hated to being loved - Remus goes through hell before he approaches heaven</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1 - 10

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

Part 1: Between Love and Hate (aka chapters 1-10) 

"Every way I turn the same disease 

But I like it 

Brace myself and hit the wall with ease 

I'm colliding 

I'm not minding the pain 

I've been down here before 

All my bones and joints are sore 

Find my way out of the wreck again 

I've been down here before 

Lost myself and so much more 

Find my way out of the game again" 

~ Bones & Joints, Finger Eleven 

"Damn it!" Remus Lupin threw his slime-covered bookbag, with a great deal of his enhanced strength, at the foot of his bed. He winced slightly as it fell to the floor and his keen ears heard the spine of at least two of his books cracking. 

"Damn them..." he muttered to himself. He fell backwards onto his bed, not caring is some of slime on his robs got on the sheets, and absently pulled the curtains closed around him. Why did they have to torment him? They, and everyone else, always thought that their jokes were so funny. He wondered how funny they thought it was to pour jellied newt's eyes on him as he left potions class? They were probably still laughing at him. 

They never realized how deeply their taunts cut, or how close he was to lashing out and wiping those identical grins off of Potter and Black's faces. It was stupid! So what if he was quiet, he was a Gryffindor like them! And they picked on him even more than the Slytherins! 

He lay there, staring up at the canopy of his bed, trying to quiet his anger and to hold in the angry tears that were threatening to fall. 

"I hate it here," he muttered to himself. And it was true. It may have been bigger and he had a lot more freedom than at home, but Hogwarts always felt like just as much of a cage as the iron, silver and spell contraption in the basement back home. Even more so with all the eyes that watched him here. All the teachers knew what he was, and every time another student looked at him he was frightened that they would somehow read his affliction from his face alone. 

It's why he spent more time with his books and his homework than with the other students. Ink didn't look at him with suspicion. His quills and parchment never asked where he disappeared to once a month. It was just better for everyone if he stayed away from his classmates. 

But Black and his little band of friends weren't as easy to ignore. They went out of their way to mock him. He sometimes wondered if they knew, and all the jokes they played on him were some sort of retribution for having to be roommates with a monster. But no, if they knew, they'd probably write it above the school in bright neon lights or something. Like the time, during Quidditch practice, that Sirius had written 'Remus Lupin is a queer' above the pitch in bright pink letters last year. 

And if these first two weeks were any indication, his third year looked to be even worse. 

"You could always leave if you hate it here that much, Loony." Bloody hell, why hadn't he heard Sirius come in? And did he have to call him that? The 'loony, loopy, Lupin' thing was getting old. 

"Sod off, Black." He didn't bother to so much as twitch, hoping that like some types of wraiths and ghouls, Sirius Black would go away if he didn't pay any attention to him. It didn't work. The curtains of his four poster were rudely pulled aside and the sneering face of Sirius Black impeded on his vision. 

"Aww, poor icklle Loopy, were you crying in here?" Remus didn't dignify that question with a response. 

"Leave me alone. I'm busy." He said, turning away from Sirius. 

"Doing what? Daydreaming about your boyfriend? I bet Malfoy gets upset that you keep Snape to yourself so much." It was a barb to the Slytherins as much to him, but they weren't in the room to hear it. He was. 

"Fuck you!" He wasn't in the mood to deal with this, he never was. 

But tomorrow was the full moon and he was already stressed to his limit. The bastard just laughed at him. 

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" Remus sat up and reached at Sirius. 

The other boy took a quick step back, looking as if he expected a blow. But all the smaller boy did was snap his curtains closed. 

"I'm going to bed. Goodnight!" He was so sick of this. He bit his lip hard to keep from crying. 

He waited until he thought that Sirius had left before he hauled both his robe and his shirt up over his head and threw them onto the trunk at the end of his bed. 

"God, you are such a prick. Always sneaking around and hiding," he was startled to hear Black's voice, why hadn't he left? Hadn't he tortured him enough for one day? He was even more surprised when the dark haired boy pulled back the curtains around his bed for a second time. "What, you so malformed under those baggy robes you afraid to change in front of anyone?" he sneered. 

Remus was so stunned he could only sit there and blink at him dumbly. Sirius blinked back, the rest of his taunts dying on his lips as his eyes locked onto Remus' left shoulder. Or more accurately, the mass of scar tissue that ran up and over his left shoulder and half way down his chest. 

"Shit," he said quietly. "What the hell happened to you?" Remus shook his head as if to clear it, and then quickly hugged a pillow protectively to his chest trying to cover old wounds, both visible and not. 

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" It came out as more of a plea than a question. And Remus knew it had been a mistake to speak the instant he had opened his mouth. The look on Sirius' face, that, had it been someone else, he thought could have been concern, vanished. 

And was quickly replaced by another mocking grin. 

"What'd you do? Try and fuck the family dog and it didn't like it?" 

Remus clenched his hands so quickly, his fingers punched holes in the pillow he was holding. 'How dare he...' A nightmare flash of teeth and claws and then blackness, then waking to too sharp senses and the reek of his own drying blood in the air. 'How dare he.' The pity and disappointment in his parents eyes. A doctor's words said when they thought he was asleep, 'It would have been better if you had let him die.' 'How dare he!' 

Without making a conscious decision to do so, Remus found himself lunging off of his bed, snarling. He caught Sirius in the chest, sending them both to the floor. Sirius landed on the floor with an 'Oomph!' Remus on top of him. Neither boy stopped to think about what they were doing as they hit at each other. If it hadn't been for his strength, Remus would have been loosing badly. He'd never been in a fight in his life and had no idea how to punch other than you swung your fist at the opponent and hoped it hits them. Sirius, on the other hand, got into fights almost daily. He knew how to punch and how to take advantage of his opponent's weaknesses. The only problem was that it was rather difficult to do that when he was pinned to the floor. The taller boy suddenly shoved both of his fists into Remus' stomach. The other boy let out a sound that was eerily reminiscent to the whine of a kicked dog before grabbing the wrists of both offending hands and shoving Black's arms above his head. Remus leaned over the dark haired boy, teeth bared in and angry snarl. His hazel eyes glowed gold with anger as he stared down into other boy's dark blue gaze. And at that moments he had the strong urge to lean down and bit him. Give him a mark like his, so he couldn't make fun of him any more. But the moment passed, and he was horrified when it had left. He let go of the other boy and backed away from him so fast that he smacked, hard, into the trunk at the end of his bed. He saw his school rob lying next to him on the floor and grabbed it before running for the door before Black could ask any questions. Or taunt him into doing something that would get him expelled. 

He was pretty sure that if he ripped Sirius' throat out with his teeth, they wouldn't let him attend Hogwarts any more. 

+++ 

"I try to cancel out, 

Whatever I can't laugh about. 

So what does that say? 

There can't be anyway. 

I've done my worst and no one knows. 

One more day to fool them all. 

One more day to drop the ball. 

One more day to fade away. 

Fill a head with sand just to make it better. 

I had the chance to beat it in but I never. 

I should have taken it right then. 

One more day to fool them all. 

One more day to drop the ball. 

One more day to fade away." 

~ Tip, Finger Eleven 

Sirius sat on the floor of his dormitory for a long time, just looking at the place where Lupin had been. And, after a long moment, he started to laugh. 

"You wouldn't know it by looking at him, but that girly little bastard's got one mean punch," Sirius said out loud, rubbing absently at the slowly forming bruise on his jaw. Who would have thought that such a fragile little thing like Remus Lupin could beat him in a fight? And he had lost, he knew that. There had been no way he could have broken the other boys hold on him. But the look that he'd had when he'd pinned him... Sirius shivered. 

For a split second, he had actually thought that Remus was going to kill him. And he had liked Remus looking at him like that. So focused, like he was the only thing that mattered in the world. Even if it had been tinted with homicidal rage. His stomach rumbled, reminding him that it was time for dinner and that he'd better get down to the Great Hall soon if he didn't want Peter to finish off his portion as well. 

"And to think," he muttered to himself. "I came all the way up here to say sorry to him, too." He'd seen how upset the other boy had been after potions so he'd followed him back to their room. But as he entered the room he'd heard Remus' sweet, melancholy voice say how much he hated it here and had felt a pang of sickening sympathy and guilt. He knew it was his fault that the smaller boy had it so rough. He made sure of it, in fact. 

But in that moment he had wanted nothing more than to comfort the other boy. To hold him close and sooth all the pain that he had caused him away. And that had scared him much more than he wanted to admit. 

So he fell back on insulting him instead. 

He knew that he and, on his urging, James and Peter made the other Gryffindor's life a living hell any chance they got. They had to... He had to. 

He wondered what his father would say. 'Hey, dad! There's this guy at school, he's a site cuter than any of the girls, even the sixth- and seventh-years. And I really like him, even if he is a prissy little prick. But he hates me cause I pick on him all the time just so he'll take his nose out of his books and actually look at me.' Yeah, right, 

his dad'd beat the shit out of him. Not that he didn't anyway, when Sirius was home, but telling him something like that would definitely make it worse. 

He stood up and headed down to the Great Hall, wincing every few steps. Damn, he hurt. But it had been worth it. His face split into a stupid grin, remembering the feel of the other boy's body as they had fought on the floor. And he'd been shirtless too. Sirius had never seen him like that before. The other boy had always changed either behind his curtains or in the bathroom. He had always thought it was strange, all the other boys in the dorm had quickly given up on modestly way back in first year. But Remus had always hidden. 'And not without reason,' Sirius mused. With a scar like that... It certainly looked like he'd been attached by some sort of 

wild animal. And the scar had been huge, so whatever had attached him had to have been massive, either that or Remus had to have been smaller. 'If that were possible,' he thought with amusement. And he was always so sick, maybe he had caught something from it, that scar had looked suspiciously like a bite. 'Maybe he has rabies,' he thought, snickering to himself. 'He certainly acted like it tonight.' 

Sirius froze. He could see the door to the Great Hall just up ahead, but something was bugging him. Something he'd read, had it been for Care of Magical Creatures? No... It had been for Defense Against the Dark Arts ... something about being bitten. He looked up at the ceiling, trying to pry loose the half-formed memory, when his eyes landed on the moon shining through a window high over his head. The nearly full moon. The memory fell into place and he gasped, standing there and gawking at the moon in shock. He couldn't be... With all thoughts of food gone from his mind, Sirius took off at a run for the library. 

He didn't slow down until he'd reached the shelves on the far side of the library. They held the Care of Magical Creatures textbooks and sources and, farther down, books about darker, less cuddly animals, like the ones in the muggle horror movies he used to watch. 'Vampires and How to Avoid Them'...no. 'The Wendigo: Truth and Muggle Fiction'...nope. 'Wraiths, Bogarts and Other Things That Go Bump In the Night'... no that's not it either. 'Werewolves: A Guide to the Lycanthropic'... 

Sirius' hand paused over the book. He had to be wrong, didn't he? The school would never admit a... a... 'Say it', he hissed silently to himself. 

"Werewolf," he whispered, heart beating hard in his chest, before grabbing the book and hurriedly checking it out. More certain than ever that his suspicion, no matter how absurd, was correct. Leaving the library as fast as he'd come, he ran all the way back to the Great Hall. 

"Where have you been?" James asked him as Sirius sat down at the Gryffindor table just in time for dessert. 

"And what did you do to your face?" Sirius blinked at him. 

"What's wrong with my face?" he asked indignantly. 

"You've got a split lip, a black eye and at least on good knot forming on your jaw." James said, scowling. 

"What'd you do? Try and take on Crabbe and Goyle again by yourself?" 

"Nah," He chuckled, remembering the last time he'd done that. He'd been in the hospital wing for three days, but it had been worth it. "I got into a fight with the loon. And I was late cause I had to stop off at the library." 

He held up his book as proof. James and Peter just gawked at him. 

"Lupin did that?" Peter squeaked out, looking frightened. 

"Yeah, he..." But Sirius let his sentence hang as his eyes scanned the table for the small figure of Remus Lupin. "He isn't here," he mumbled. 

"We haven't seen him since Potions," James said between mouthfuls of lemon custard. Peter started to snicker. 

"You see the look on his face when we dumped the newt's eyes on him? That was classic." Peter giggled. James just smiled around another mouthful. But for once Sirius didn't smile back. 

"Maybe we should lay off of him for a while," he said suddenly. "Besides, I think we've been neglecting those Slytherins. They're starting to get too smug." James just looked at him, disbelieving. 

"Why? Just because he beat you up?" he asked in disbelief. 

"He caught me by surprise!" Sirius said indignantly. "And..." 'Why can't you just leave me alone?' Gold eyes looking down at him with hatred and pain. A tortured white scar on otherwise perfect flesh. He looked down at the book he was still holding. "I think there's more going on with him than he lets on." He said quietly. 

James and Peter looked at him closely before James reached out and put his hand to the other boy's forehead. 

"Are you feeling okay? Maybe that scrawny little git hit you harder than you thought?" Sirius batted his hand away and stabbed his fork down onto his plate. The scraping of metal against ceramic met his ears and he looked down at the table. There was no food on his plate like there had been only a minute before, apparently everyone else had finished and all the leftovers had been packed off to the kitchen. 

"Not fair!" he cried, looking up to the high table to see that even most of the teachers had left. But his pouting was cut short as an evil grin crossed his face. 

"Uh-oh, I now that look," James said with a laugh. 

"Kitchen raid!" Peter said excitedly. Sirius gave them a look. "Aren't you two full?" 

"Nope!" they cried in unison. Laughing, they all got up from the Gryffindor table and tried to look like they were headed for their common room before ducking down the stairs to the kitchens. It was a quick trip. All three of them knew the way by heart, they'd been sneaking down to the kitchens ever since first year. They did it so often to grab extra snacks that it was a wonder they weren't all the size of blimps. Stop at the big picture of fruit; tickle the pear; it was all done on automatic. 

They weren't really paying attention as they walked into the kitchen. Sirius was trying to defend his reputation after having admitted that someone as scrawny as Remus Lupin had beat him up. 

"He pinned me to the floor, and I couldn't move, I'm telling you he's a lot stronger than he looks!" 

"He had you pinned to the floor did he?" Peter said in a suggestive voice, wiggling his eyebrows at Sirius. 

"Quiet you!" he said, swatting at him. "I gave him a pretty good pounding, I bet he's got bruises even worse than mine." He said proudly. 

"What bruises?" James said. The other two looked at him, but his gaze was fixed on something further into the kitchen. Or rather, someone. 

The very subject of their conversation was seated at a small wooden table. He had frozen at their entrance and his eyes had gotten progressively wider upon hearing what they were talking about. And he didn't have a mark on him. 

"What are you doing here?" Lupin jumped at being addressed and hastily stood up. 

"I-I was just leaving," he stammered, trying to slid past them and get through the doorway. James stepped in front of him, his arms crossed over his chest wearing a thunderous expression. 

"Where do you think you're going," 

"Let it alone, James." Sirius warned putting a restraining hand on his friend's shoulder. Remus looked up at him and for a moment their gazes locked and Sirius could have sworn that his heart skipped a beat. But by the time it had started beating again, Remus was already out of sight. There had been something in that gaze. Sirius stood 

looking after him for a long moment lost in his own thoughts. His stomach growled, braking him from his thoughts and he James and Peter were soon to busy trying to eat everything the house-elves gave them for him to think about much of anything. 

+++ 

"You make it hard to breathe 

It's as if I'm suffocating 

And when you're next to me 

I can feel your heartbeat through my skin 

It makes me sad to think 

This could all be for nothing 

I wish there was a way 

For you to see inside of me 

I've never felt this way 

About anyone or anything 

Tell me" 

~ What Do I Have to Do?, Stabbing Westward 

Remus groaned as he slowly woke from unconsciousness. The change had been bad this time. Probably due to all the stress he'd been under recently, he mused. 

He wanted to just lie there on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, but he couldn't. He'd been so upset and on edge yesterday that he'd skipped all his classes. He had never let himself miss more than one day of classes because of his lycanthropy, and he wasn't about to start now. But that meant getting up and heading back to the castle so that he would be ready on time. It was just barely dawn and no one would be awake to see him come in, but only if he hurried. He got up and dressed into the tattered, bloodstained pajamas he always wore before and after the change. And headed back as quickly as his protesting body would let him. He dreaded what would happen today. Sirius and his little gang hadn't looked very happy with him the last time he'd seen them. Like it had been his fault that Black had goaded him into that fight. 'wonder if they'll leave me alone a bit more,' he thought. He laughed mirthlessly as he as he came to the portrait of the sleeping fat lady. 

"Um, excuse me?" he said. 

"Hmm? Oh, good morning dear," she mumbled sleepily. 

"Good morning. 'Coruptus'." 

"Ah, yes, very good," she said as the portrait swung open. He had only taken a few steps into the common room when he realized that he was not the only one there at that early hour. 

Sirius Black sat in one of the overstuffed armchairs near the fire, but he had turned it so that it faced the portrait hole. He sat, wand in hand with a book on his lap. The same book he'd been carrying around after their fight. 

"Where have you been?" for some reason the way he said it made it sounded like a threat. Remus racked his brain for an excuse. 

"I was...I wasn't feeling good yesterday, so I went to the hospital wing..." 

"No you didn't. I check before dinner yesterday, you weren't there." He said. He turned, looking out one of the tall windows at the predawn sky. "The moon set, what, ten minuets ago, right?" he continued, seaming bored. Remus stared at him in horror. With a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach he said, "What do you mean?" He tried to sound uninterested, but it came out in a shaky, worried sort of voice. 

Sirius turned back to him, picked up the book in his lap and threw it at him. He caught it deftly, and looked down at it, already knowing what he would see. It was a book about werewolves. 

"The scar's a dead give away. I was going to ask you about it yesterday, but I didn't see you." Remus risked a glance at Sirius, he was looking at him with cold eyes. 

"P-please, d-don't tell anyone," He asked pitifully. Sirius stood up from his chair and walked toward him. "If anyone complains..." Remus muttered, but Sirius interrupted him, coming to a stop only a few steps away. 

"You'll get expelled. Yeah, I sort of figured that." The other boy's expression hadn't changed, he was still looking at him with that piercing cold gaze. 

"What will you give me?" Sirius asked suddenly. Remus just stared at him in confusion. 

"What?" he asked. Sirius' face broke into calculating sneer, and the worry in Remus' stomach started to twist itself into a rather painful knot. 

"What will you give me, to keep quiet?" Sirius said softly. 

Enunciating each word as if talking to a small child. 

"I-I don't have anything," Remus muttered, shaking his head so that his hair fell into his eyes. That piercing gaze bore into him, considering, and weighing options. 

"Have you every kissed anyone?" Black asked suddenly. The smaller boy just stared at him in shock for a long moment. 

"No..." he finally squeaked out. Causing Sirius to grin like a Cheshire cat, but his eyes remained narrowed. 

"Good," he said cryptically. "Close your eyes." 

"What!?" Remus sputtered. Sirius couldn't possibly mean to...to... 

"Either that, or I can go right up to our dorm and tell Peter all about your little..." he paused looking for the right words "...problem. You know how much he likes to gossip." Sirius took a step toward him, bringing them only centimeters apart. 

"...fine..." he said, glaring at the other boy before closing his eyes. 

His body tense, as if he were expecting a blow. 

Hands closed over his shoulders, holding him steady as the other boy leaned closer. His breath brushed warm over Remus' lips. 'I can't believe he's going to do this', he thought desperately. But then all thought stopped and he froze in place as Sirius' lips descended on his own. 

Fireworks went off in the back of his head. And suddenly, it didn't matter why Sirius was doing this or what humiliating repercussions this might have. It didn't matter that his body still throbbed with pain from the Change, or whether or not Sirius would keep his secret. This felt too good, too right, for him to worry about anything at all. 

He felt a tongue run across his lips and he gasped. And Sirius took the opportunity to delve in and explore Remus' mouth with his tongue. An electric shiver raced through him and he leaned forward, pressing their bodies closer together. 

One of Sirius' hands reached up to grab the back of his neck, as he moaned into Remus' mouth. But the other boy went stiff as a board and started to struggle against Sirius' grip. Their kiss broke off abruptly, but Sirius remained pressed against him, his fast panting breaths rushing against Remus' cheek. 

"I won't tell anyone," he whispered into his ear before quickly pulling back and retreating up to their dorm. 

But weather Sirius was talking about the kiss, Remus' lycanthropy, or both, the other boy couldn't tell. 

+++ 

"Felt the best that I could feel 

Censored every memory 

Give me yours so I can feed mine 

Anywhere but far away 

Can't be what you meant to say 

I won't miss you in the meantime 

All jokes aside 

You should decide 

If it pleases or pains you" 

~ Condenser, Finger Eleven 

Sirius stared down at his porridge as if it held all the answers in the world. And if it did, he really wished that he could see then, because at that moment his life as a mess. For the up-teenth time since he'd sat down his eyes scanned the Gryffindor table. And then, after not finding what he was looking for, the rest of the Great Hall. 

'What are you doing?' he wailed silently to himself. 'He's not here, and he isn't going to be here! You've probably traumatized him for life!' 

Sirius methodically moved his bowl of porridge out of the way and started rhythmically pounding his head on the table. 

"I'd stop that if I were you, Sirius. You might kill the few brain cells you have left," James said cheerfully as he and Peter sat down next to Sirius. He muttered something that sounded vaguely like 'sod off.' 

"What's wrong with you?" Peter asked. "You've been acting strange lately: you lost a fight with Lupin, you spent all day yesterday reading some dusty old book, and you were up before dawn this morning. It's creepy." 

"I've had a lot on my mind," Sirius mumbled, resuming the scrying of his breakfast. James laughed at him. 

"What, you having girl trouble or something? Cause, you know, I think that pretty redhead in Ravenclaw likes you." Sirius' head whipped around so fast he popped vertebrae all down his back. He stared at James, eyes wide. 'girl trouble'? He had girl trouble all right. The trouble was, he was beginning to realize that he didn't want anything to do with them, ever. 

He knew the girl James was talking about, and she was really pretty, but she paled in comparison with a small tousle-haired figure with haunted gold eyes. ' Who still isn't here,' he noted absently, taking another glance around the room before he realized what he was doing. If his head didn't already hurt he'd have started banging it against the table again. Instead, he shook his head. 

"No. No girl trouble. Life trouble, maybe, but it has very little to do with girls." he said, and then smiled, a bit of his normal cheer returning. "Besides, I thought you liked her?" James coughed and studied his breakfast intently and the conversation ended there. 

The food was quickly devoured (at least by the other Gryffindors, Sirius really didn't have the stomach for it this morning) and they made there way to their first class. Transfiguration. James and Peter protested this; 'Sirius, we're going to be early!' But he didn't pay them much attention. 

Upon reaching the classroom, they found that they weren't the first to arrive. A lone figure sat in the far corner, bent over some book or another, reading. 

"Wow," Peter said sarcastically. "Look who decided to show up." Remus didn't move to look at them, only the tensing of his shoulders showed that he had heard him. "I said...!" Peter started loudly but was cut off as Sirius grabbed the back of his robe and hauled him to the opposite side of the classroom. James followed them, frowning. 

"Sirius, why are we sitting over here? Have you suddenly decided that you don't like throwing parchment airplanes at the loon's head anymore?" Sirius opened his mouth to retort, but Peter beat him to it. 

"A-ha! You're scared of him! He beat you up and now you're afraid of him!" Sirius bristled. 

"I am not!" 'Scared of what he does to me, maybe, but not of him.' He thought to himself. James and Peter just stared at him. He grabbed his bag and stalked back over to the other side of the room, taking the seat directly behind Remus. He leaned forward on the table and glared at the back of the other boy's head. 

"I'm not afraid of you," he said, as if the other boy had been the one to accuse him. Remus slowly turned around and met his eyes, a very strange look on his face, half way between confusion and anger. 

"Aren't you?" he asked quietly. Sirius wanted to make him explain his cryptic question, but James and Peter had caught up to him and sat down so he kept quiet. 

The lesson went by rather smoothly. Professor McGonagall was wrapping up her explanation about Animagi. It was a terribly fascinating subject and Sirius had actually paid attention to most of the lessons. But not today. Today he was too busy staring at the boy in front of him. Or pretending not to stare when the other boy glanced back at him over his shoulder. The events of that morning kept replaying over and over again in his mind. That kiss... he grinned foolishly. He had been Remus' first kiss. That was something the other boy would remember for the rest of his life, something he couldn't ignore. But... his grin faded. As wonderful as it had been, it hadn't been what he'd wanted. It had been a payment, a bribe, so that he would keep quiet about... His mind still detoured around that particular thought, things were complicated enough without having to think about that. 'If someone had taken my first kiss like that I'd be furious,' he thought dejectedly. And then paused, he had kissed someone before... hadn't he? 

He racked his brain. He'd thought about it a lot...but... He let his head fall to the table with a loud bang. 

"Idiot!" he muttered fiercely. 

"Mister Black!" Professor McGonagall said sharply. He looked up at her quickly, plastering a look of innocent confusion on his face. 

"Yes Professor?" he said, managing to make his voice as innocent as his expression. 

"I will only give you one warning. If I find you falling asleep in my class again it will be twenty points from Gryffindor and a detention, is that clear?" 

"Yes Professor," he said, flashing a charming smile. She glared at him disapprovingly as the bell rang and students began to leave for their next class. 

Care of Magical Creatures wasn't nearly as interesting. Professor Kettleburn was making them study unicorns, so all the boys got to stand around doing nothing wail the girls Ooh-ed and Ah-ed over them. It was quite boring and it left a lot of time for Sirius to think, even if he didn't really want to. And Remus wasn't in that class, so he couldn't distract himself by staring at him again. Yes, he had still been Remus' first kiss, but he'd been Sirius' first kiss too, so that evened it out, didn't it? He really should have thought of that this morning, but thinking before taking action had never been a strong suit for him. And, oh, that kiss had been worth it. That soul burning, intoxicating kiss...he wanted to feel that again so badly. 

Wait... if, since it had both been their first kiss, it had even out, then Remus still owed him something. His face slowly broke into a grin that would have made a yeti shiver. He would get what was owed to him. As soon as class was over he ran inside. Not waiting for James or Peter in his haste to get to their room. He would have made it in record time too, if he'd been watching where he was going. He wasn't, so he ran into the boy who had just walked into the corridor and they both went crashing to the floor. 

"Oh, sor..." But his words died on his lips as he saw who it was. "Oh... it you. Not sorry then." Severus Snape glared up at him from his position on the floor. The Slytherin stood up and brushed himself off. 

Sirius toyed with the idea of beating the annoying bastard senseless, but figured he'd let James do it later. Those two were always vying for the top marks in potions. Add to that house rivalry, Quidditch and personal dislike and you had an all out war. 

"Something wrong Severus?" a cool voice drawled. Sirius turned to look through the door Snape had just come out of. And there stood Lucius Malfoy and his two ever present, hulking shadows Crabbe and Goyle. Sirius was suddenly very aware of the fact that James and Peter weren't with him, and that the five of them were alone in the corridor. 

"Nothing much," Snape replied, a smirk plastered to his narrow face. "Just some Mudblood filth getting in my way." Sirius restrained himself from hitting the smug bastard, but just barely. It wasn't like he had chosen to be muggle-born. 

The other three boys stepped out of the doorway. Both Malfoy and Snape were grinning like cats who had caught the canary and Crabbe and Goyle had started to crack their oversized knuckles. Sirius, deciding that discretion truly was the better part of valor, took off like a bat out of hell in the opposite direction. He didn't stop to see if he was being pursued, knowing from long practice that he was much faster than any of the Slytherins. But he still took a few jogs through secret passages that he was pretty sure they didn't know about, just to be safe. He didn't stop till he'd reached the Gryffindor common room and, after taking a quick look around and not finding whatever it was he was looking for, proceeded to take the steps up to the dorm two at a time. 

As he walked into their room, something nagged at the back of his mind. He had been going to do something, but that encounter with Snape had rattled his brain. But memory returned to him when his eyes landed on the lone occupant of the room. 

"A-ha!" he cried triumphantly, causing Remus to drop the books he'd been getting out of his trunk. He looked up at Sirius with a guarded, wary expression. 

"What?" The boy nearly snarled. 

"Ah-ah," Sirius said, shaking a finger at him. "I would be nicer to me if I were you," he said mockingly. Remus stood and crossed his arms, still looking rather cross. 

"What do you want, Sirius?" 

"You still owe me." Remus took a step back looking shocked and a bit afraid. 

"N-no I don't!" Sirius ignored him, and reached out and grabbed him by the shoulders. 

"Hold still," he muttered as he leaned forward. But Remus brought his hands between them and shoved him away, hard. Sirius stumbled back several steps looking completely shocked. How dare he, he owed him. Sirius dove at him and grabbed on tight. He mashed his mouth against the other boy's as his hand fisted in the hair at the nape of Remus' neck, holding him still. They stood there like that for a split second, Remus too shocked to move and Sirius trying to figure out why this didn't feel anything like what had happened this morning. But the taboo quickly broke and Sirius felt it as Remus pulled back his lips in a snarl before the other boy reached up and grabbed him by the shoulders. In one quick movement Remus shoved him back to arm's length, spun him around and threw him, hard, into the nearest wall. He barely had time to blink before Remus was upon him again. He felt a hand on his throat and, for a second, he thought that Remus was going to choke him. But instead his hand pushed up, forcing Sirius' head so far back that not only did he have to arch his neck back, but he had to arch the upper part of his chest as well. He had time for a vague 'what the hell is he doing?' before sharp teeth closed down on his windpipe. Sirius froze, and it finally hit him. The boy he'd been teasing for the past two years, the shy, quiet bookworm who happened to have his teeth latched, dangerously, onto his throat, was a werewolf. A savage, bloodthirsty creature who had no qualms about ripping peoples throats out with their teeth. And, even with the situation he was in, he couldn't help finding that that added bit of danger only made Remus more enticing. He went slack under Remus' grip, no longer afraid. The other boy pulled back as fast as he had pounced, staring at him with wide, horrified eyes before bolting from the room. And Sirius, for the third time in as many days, just stood there and watched him leave. 

"Hn, werewolves, go figure," he said, laughing to himself as he headed out of their room to see if there was any lunch left in the Great Hall. 

Neither of then noticed when a head of unruly black hair broke out from the red curtains of a bed and stared after them with wide, bespectacled eyes. 

+++ 

"I gave you the benefit 

Of the doubt it's true 

But keep in mind my darling 

Not every saint is a fool 

While you were looking the other way 

While you had your eyes closed 

While you were licking your lips 

'Cause I was miserable 

While you were selling your soul 

While you were tearing a hole in me 

I was taking control" 

~ Control, Poe 

'Oh gods, what have I done?' with every step of his running feet, that thought burned in the back of Remus' mind. But he knew the answer. He'd let go. He'd been so angry at Sirius, both for what had happened this morning and what he had tried to do just now, that he had let loose the wolf. 

He turned into an empty classroom and sank to the floor, his head in his hands. And the thing that bothered him the most, that sickened him the most, was how much he had liked it all. The fighting, the kisses and, most frighteningly of all, the feeling of euphoria and power as he had held Sirius' throat in his jaws. He whimpered and shivered, trying desperately to force the tantalizing memory out of his mind. He could not learn to like it. If he learned to like being the wolf, to like loosing control... he feared that he would become the monster people thought he was. But, gods, Sirius made it difficult. He licked his lips, tasting the salty tang the other boy's skin had left there. He whimpered again and curled up on himself on the floor of the deserted classroom, hugging his legs to his chest and his head buried in his knees. 

"What is wrong with me?" he asked the empty room. He was tired, so tired, and not just from the bone deep weariness that followed every full moon. His memories of his life before the bite were sketchy, but he remembered one thing very clearly: he had been happy. His parents hadn't cringed every time he was angry or frowned when he hurt himself and whimpered in pain instead of saying 'ouch.' His parents hadn't seen it as some sort of sign that the wolf was taking over if he wanted to spend all day out in the back yard. But after that night, the last night he'd seen the full moon with human eyes, if he talked too loud, are even moved too quickly his parents would always ask if he needed to go to his room to calm down. 

And being accepted to Hogwarts had only made it worse, if that were possible. Because he had gotten in, and Romulus, his quiet, shy, normal little brother, had not. They had been close, even through the lycanthropy, even when their parents had long ago stopped hiding the fact that they feared him. But not any more. Romulus had never shown signs of being able to use magic, but their parents had said it was always just a matter of time. But when only one letter had arrived, they realized that time had run out, and that neither of their sons would live up to their expectations. There was very little promise for either a werewolf or a squib. Romulus had stormed up to his room and hadn't said more that a few words to him since, and that had been over two years ago. He had been outgoing and rambunctious once, but his antics had always been deemed malicious and had frightened his parent, so he'd quickly learned to be even quieter and more reserved that his shy little brother. 

But lately those self-imposed restraints had started to chafe him. At first he'd ignored the taunts and pranks from those, in his own house and from the others, who mistook his quietness for weakness. But now that he thought about it, now that the Change had passed and it was getting easier for him to think clearly, he realized that sometime around last week his self-control had started to crack. He couldn't keep stuffing all his emotions into the back corner of his mind, otherwise he'd lose control again like he had today. But maybe if he let go a little bit, in relatively harmless ways of course, it would make things more bearable. Comforted by that thought, he didn't even realize it when he fell asleep. 

Remus woke with a jolt and, after realizing where he was and why, looked at the clock on the back wall of the classroom. Its single hand had already left 'Supper' and was heading slowly toward 'Curfew.' Remus groaned. 'Great,' he thought, 'I've missed potions and dinner.' With a resigned sigh he stood up on cramped legs and made his way slowly back to Gryffindor tower. It was strange, but as he had entered the common room things seemed too quiet. There was almost a sense of mourning in the air. He frowned and headed for the stairs up to his dorm, but before he got there a high, frightened voice called after him. 

"I wouldn't go up there if I were you," it said. Remus turned around and glared at the speaker, Peter Pettigrew. He was about to tell him to shove off when he realized something strange. Peter was alone. It was rare to see him anywhere, even in their own common room, without Potter or Black. He usually followed the pair like an extra shadow. 

"Why?" 

"James and Sirius had a nasty row at dinner and now they're both up there," he said pointing toward the stairs. "Do you know what they're fighting about?" he asked in a small voice, and Remus could almost bring himself to feel sorry for the other boy. He looked like his entire world was crumbling around his ears. 

"No," he said as he started up the stairs again. "Sorry." 

His sensitive ears hear the shouts long before he got to the door to their room. 

"Listen you pea-brained git, I'm trying to help!" Remus blinked. He'd never heard James that angry before. 'Wow,' he thought. 'Sirius is pissing people off right and left today.' 

"And, for the hundredth time, it's none of your god damn business!" Black replied, his shout even louder. 

"You're my best friend, damn it! Of course it's my business!" This seemed to subdue Black a bit, because his reply wasn't nearly as loud. 

"Just drop it, James. It's nothing, really." 

"It's not 'nothing.' I want to know what on earth has been going on between you and Lupin to make you act so strange lately." Remus' eye went wide. They were talking about him, but the only reason that Sirius' strange behavior could be related to him was... oh shit. 

"James..." Sirius sounded as if he was about to spill all. And that would be a very bad thing. He opened the door to their room and stepped inside, closing it firmly behind him. 

"As much as it pains me to say it," he said evenly. "I agree with Sirius. It's none of your business." 

Both boys whipped around to stare at him. He was hoping the conversation would end there, but instead James seemed to become bolder now that both of them were in the room. 

"What isn't my business? The fact that you're a werewolf?" Remus' eyes widened in horror. 

"You told him?!" he cried, looking accusingly at Sirius. He didn't know why but part of him had trusted that Sirius would keep his secret. But the other boy looked just as shocked as Remus felt. 

"How did you...?" he said quietly. For a moment James looked infuriatingly smug. 

"Neither of you noticed, but I was in here when you two had your little spat at lunch." An uncomfortable silence followed that statement. He looked between James and Sirius and was surprised to find that Sirius' face had turned an interesting shade of scarlet. 

"How much did you see?" Sirius asked hesitantly. 

"It was mostly what I heard. I only looked through the bed-curtains after I heard you hit the wall." James replied before turning to Remus. "What did he do to get you that pissed?" He looked at Sirius again and found him staring back, looking very worried. 

"He kissed me," he said, shooting a glare at Sirius for extra effect. James gawked at him. 

"What?!" He said, turning to Sirius. But Sirius was glaring at Remus, a look of outrage on his face. 

"You little shit," he said before diving at him, fist raised. 'They both know,' a voice whispered in the back of his mind. 'You don't need to pretend to be human.' And in a split second Remus had crossed the room. He smirked as Sirius' fist hit the door and he swore violently. The other two boys stood staring at the place he'd been for several seconds. 'They probably think I apparated or something,' he thought. 

"I'm over here," he said conversationally. He watched with equal parts amusement and guilt as they spun around to stare at him, the beginnings of fear creeping into their eyes. 

"How did you do that?" James asked shakily. 

"'Werewolves are many times faster and stronger than even the most athletic of wizards,'" he said, quoting one of the many books he'd read over the years. Suddenly all of the fight drained out of him and he walked over to his bed and sat down, putting his head in his hands. 

"You guys can go down and tell the whole common room if you like, I won't stop you." He said, shoulders sagging in defeat. Neither boy even glanced toward the door. 

"What happens if people find out?" James asked quietly. 

"He gets expelled," Sirius said. James jumped and turned to look at him. 

"How do you know that?" he asked. 

"He told me so this morning." 

'Dear god,' Remus thought. 'Was all that only this morning? It fells like it was ages ago.' James turned back to him with, was that a look of concern on his face? 

"What happens to you if you get expelled?" he asked, sounding worried. 

"Oh, I'll get disowned, kicked out, possibly sent to one of those 'werewolf camps' you read about in the Daily Prophet. You know, the ones that are surrounded by silver fences and they feed them low doses of Wolfsbane to keep them sick and docile." Remus said, his head down, staring at the floor. 

"That ...sounds horrible," Sirius said faintly. Remus didn't bother to look at him. 

"So's turning into a slavering monster every month, you learn to live with it I guess." There was a long silence and Remus could feel their eyes burning holes into the top of his head. 

"We won't tell anyone," James said in a voice he probably thought was soothing. Remus looked up and glared at him. 

"Oh?" he asked sarcastically. "And what do you want in return?" James blinked at him, completely confused. 

"I'm sorry," Sirius said suddenly, and Remus turned to stare at him. The other boy looked pail and drawn, his hands shaking. "I sort of thought - I don't know - like it was as if you'd found out that me and James had done some really bad prank that would have gotten us detention for a week of something." He said in a rush. "I didn't realize it would be that bad." He looked up and met Remus' gaze, and he was shocked to find a very familiar look in the other boy's eyes. They were haunted and glassy, as if he was remembering some particularly painful memory. 

All three of them jumped as someone knocked loudly on the door. "Have you guys killed each other?" asked a tiny voice from out in the hall. 

"Peter," Sirius muttered, rubbing his temple and giving a longsuffering sigh. James shot him a look. 

"No Peter, We're all fine," he answered. 

"Oh, good. Can I come in?" he asked, sounding relived. 

"We won't tell anyone. Not even him," James whispered, jerking his head toward the door. Remus looked at Sirius and he nodded in agreement. 

"Thank you," he said just as quietly. 

"Alright Peter, you can come in," Sirius called over his shoulder. He came in and looked all around the room with frightened little eyes, as if he expected to see blood splashed along the walls or a dead body on the floor. For some reason, Remus found this funny and he started to chuckle. 

"Good night," he said, smiling at the three boys who looked at him as if he were a few sheep short of a flock. He lay down, still chucking, and pulled the curtains of his four-poster closed around him. 

+++ 

"No better feeling than escape 

Avoid the feeling so you're 

Collapsing in again 

You found what makes it sore 

You triggered off the feelings 

That you felt before 

All the guilt pulls away 

If only forever." 

~ Temporary Arms, Finger Eleven 

Sirius rolled over and shoved his pillow over his head, trying to shut out the guilt and worry that were keeping him awake. Words kept repeating themselves in his mind using Remus' voice; 'disowned' 'werewolf camp' 'Wolfsbane'... 'you get used to it'... His voice had sounded to broken. Cold and detached, like he didn't care anymore what happened to him. 

And he had been so sure that he and James were going to march right down into the common room and tell everyone what a horrible monster he was. 

He remembered how scared Remus had been this morning when he'd confronted him. Now that he thought about it, he knew why. And why someone as normal as Remus would stand there and let themselves be kissed by someone like him. Sirius knew that if their positions had been reversed he would have done just about anything not to be sent back to something that sounded like hell. Not to be sent back home. But it wasn't like he was actually going to tell anyone. He'd just liked having that much control over the other boy, because usually Remus tried to pretend he didn't exist. 

It had been nice when Remus had been noticing him. That he had kept looking back over his shoulder at him during transfiguration. That he had actually listened when he had wanted to talk to him instead of ignoring him and leaving the room. He, James and Peter could make the entire Great Hall burst into laughter and Remus could still pay absolutely no attention to them...to him. 

That's all he'd wanted, really. Remus' attention. He turned over and pressed the pillow into his face to muffle his growl of frustration. What was wrong with him! Why was he acting this way? What was it about Remus that made it so hard for him to think? Remus was sweet and shy and quiet...but not, at the same time. He 

shivered, one hand reaching up to touch his throat, where he was pretty sure he still had bruised from Remus' teeth. 

He was a bundle of contradictions and mysteries, and finding out about his condition had only mad him that much more interesting to Sirius. 

And that kiss, the one at dawn, not that forced thing at lunch though that had had interesting results too. It had been mind-numbingly amazing. When he had imagined doing that with girls it hadn't even come close. In fact, even when he imagined it with girls now, it didn't come close. They just weren't as interesting. He groaned and pulled the pillow tighter over his head. Like his life wasn't tough enough as it was, he'd had to go and through lusting after a teenage werewolf into the mix. 'Wonderful,' he thought sarcastically before turning over and trying again to go to sleep. 

~ Becoming an Animagi is a very complicated process consisting of a combination of charms, potions and transfigurations. It must be done in the proper steps, and at the proper times, to insure that nothing goes wrong with the end transformation. While transfiguring someone else into a toad is relatively easy, turning oneself into an animal and then back is much more difficult. For you have to be able to still think as a human in the animal form to work the change back, otherwise you are stuck as the animal permanently. Once this has been accomplished, the first transformation to and then from the animal form, the animagi can then change almost instantaneously, its form indistinguishable from that of a true animal's. ~ 

Sirius paused in writing his essay. 'I wonder if Remus' wolf form would be able to tell it was me, if I were an animagus.' He wondered absently before realizing what he was doing. He was thinking about Remus. Again. With an annoyed huff Sirius banged his quill against the desk in frustration. 

"Problems?" asked James, his eyes still fixed on the parchment in front of him. 

"Yes," he snapped. "How can you concentrate like this?" he said fiercely. James raised an eyebrow. 

"Like what?" he asked mildly. 'With him sitting right over there!' was what Sirius wanted to say. It had been nearly a week and the three of them, he, James and Remus, had been acting like nothing had happened. Like nothing had changed. Remus and James were doing an exceedingly good job of it too. But all Sirius wanted to do was walk over to the smaller boy and shake him. To try and jar him out of his self-contained shell and have him look at him again. But he couldn't tell that to James, he was on thin ice enough as it was. His eyes betrayed him however, as he snuck a glance at the only other person in their section of the library. He turned back to find James staring at him. 

"You really have a problem with him, don't you," he said rather sharply. "It's not like he can stop being...it," he said, making a vague gesture with his hand, as if to clarify what he couldn't bring himself to put into words. Sirius looked indignant. 

"That's not the...problem," he said turning back to his essay. 

"Are you still mad at him for lying about that whole kissing thing, cause I think he only said it to get you mad." 

Sirius looked at him with wide eyes. He thought that Remus had been lying? Sirius looked over at the boy across the room again. 

"He...he wasn't lying James. But I do think he said that just to piss me off. Worked really well too." James blinked at him owlishly before leaning across the table so that if was less likely that they were overheard. 

"You really kissed him, then?" he hissed, genuinely curious. Sirius started writing his essay again, pressing so hard with his quill that he tore the parchment and sprayed ink onto his essay and hand. 

"Bloody hell," he muttered under his breath. He looked down at his ruined essay and shrugged. "Yeah, I guess..." James cleared his throat and Sirius looked back up at him. James didn't look too happy. 

"Why?" 

Sirius turned scarlet and looked back down at the table. 

"Sirius..." James said, loosing patients. Oh, god, what was he supposed

to say? 'Yes, James, your best friend is a poof. But don't worry, you're safe. I only seem to like werewolves.' Hardly seemed appropriate. What had been the reason he'd given Remus? Oh, right... 

"Well, I figured that if I had to give him my word to keep his secret and everything, that he should give me something too." He said lamely. 

"Sirius, there's a word for that. It's called blackmail," James said shortly. "And if I remember correctly, that's illegal even in the Muggle world." Damn it! Why did James have to be so logical and so...so right all the time. 

"I know that!" he snapped looking anywhere but at James. This wasn't helping at all, James was just succeeding in making him feel like an utter heal. 

"I repeat: why?" James asked again. "You could have made him give you just about anything. Why that?" 

"It was four in the morning, I wasn't thinking clearly." Sirius muttered defensively. James pushed his glasses up on his nose and looked at him with a piercing stare that made him sweat. What was he thinking? But before Sirius could figure that out, James blinked at him with a rather bemused expression and then started to chuckle 

softly. 

"What?!" Sirius asked hotly, he didn't see anything about their conversation that would be so funny. 

"You fancy him," he pronounced before dissolving into laughter again. 

"Yeah, yeah. I'm a poof, laugh it up," he grumbled. But James was looking at him in confusion. 

"What's a poof?" James asked, looking genuinely confused. 

"You know, a queer, a guy who likes guys," he clarified. 

"Oh, that's what I thought. But you said it like it was a bad thing, so I was confused." This had not been how he had thought he would react. 

"Wait," now it was Sirius' turn to look confused. "People in the wizarding world don't think it's a bad thing?" he had never thought of that, everything else in the wizarding world had it's own rules, why not this as well? 

"No, not really," Sirius frowned slightly, that had been the same 'not really' James had given him first year when he'd asked if people thought it mattered that you were pureblood or not. Which meant it did matter, just not to everybody. "Why? Do Muggles?" 

"Yeah," he said, as if it were obvious. "So wait, that's okay with you?" he asked, looking shocked. 

"Sure," James said with a shrug. "Just don't hit on me, my bread isn't buttered that way." Sirius gave him a faintly disgusted look. 

"Sorry James your not my type." He said, smiling slightly in relief. 

"Right, cause you only have a thing for werewolves." Sirius sputtered, that had been a little too close to his own thoughts not that long ago. 

"So, you like Remus. Now that that's clear, tell me again why you were being such a bastard to him?" 

"I wasn't thinking!" he said fiercely. "I can't think around him, he mucks up everything." James chuckled again. He turned back to his parchment and wrote something down with a flourish and then started to put things back in his bag. 

"Okay, I'm done." He said smugly, looking pointedly at Sirius' half done essay. They both jumped as someone cleared their throat behind them. They turned to find the Librarian giving them an evil basilisk-worthy glare. 

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave, you're being loud." She said primly. They both grinned at her and quickly packed up all their things. 

"Come on," said James. "I'll help you finish up your essay in the common room." 

With one last look to Remus, who was still reading in his corner, Sirius followed James out of the library. 

+++ 

"It's not the way that it used to be 

There's no way I'll see 

The beginning of things to come 

Trapped in the ways of the weak 

In my life 

In your life 

In our life" 

~ Stalemate, Katatonia 

'Right, cause you only have a thing for werewolves.' He had overheard those words over a month ago and James' voice still rang in his head every now and then. 

Sirius Black liked him, or at least thought he did. He liked him in spite of his curse, despite of the fact that most people considered his kind monsters. 

'or maybe because of it,' said a little voice in the back of his head. 

Remus frowned, it was that thought that always gave him pause. It was possible. Sirius was enough of a thrill seeker that he may just like the adrenaline rush at the idea of getting so close to something so

dangerous. Remus had always thought he was a bit weird, but if Sirius liked him because he was a werewolf, well, personally he thought that was a bit sick. And even if he didn't do it consciously, he'd read somewhere that 

people could easily mistake fear for desire. Either way, those thoughts kept him from being happy about what he had overheard that day in the library. 

Sirius must not have read much of that book he'd thrown at him. Otherwise he would have known not to talk about him while he was in the same room, even one as big as the library, if he hadn't wanted him to hear what was being said. 

He really didn't know what to think of his three roommates any more. They were being a lot nicer to him now, which made them tolerable. 

But they were still just as loud and obnoxious as ever, it was just that their focus seemed to have shifted to Severus Snape. Remus couldn't really say he was sorry for the Slytherin boy, they had been partners in Potions last year and as much as he'd tried to be nice, Snape had done nothing but insult him all year. 

'And speaking of Potions...' at least they got to choose their partners this year. It had been James and Sirius' fault that they'd been assigned partners in the last year and apparently the experience had been so bad that they were on their best behavior, at least when the professor was looking. He went over to a quiet looking corner of the room and sat down. Unfortunately, it didn't stay quiet for long. 

Sirius and James walked into the classroom, Peter in tow. And when Sirius saw him, he steered their little group towards Remus' corner of the room. 

"Hello, can we sit here?" Sirius asked after he had already plopped down into the chair next to Remus'. 

"Would you go away if I said no?" the smaller boy asked mildly, not bothering to look at them. Sirius just chuckled and pulled out a quill and a roll of parchment from his bag. 

"Aw, what's wrong Moony? Don't you like us?" he asked in a mock hurt voice, throwing in some fake sniffles for affect. Peter snickered, and, even though he couldn't see him, Remus was sure that James had rolled his eyes. 

"Don't call me that," Remus said automatically, not looking up from the notes he was pretending to study. 

"Why not?" Sirius had christened him with the new nickname not long after he and James had found out about his 'condition.' Remus still wasn't quite sure if it was meant as an insult or an endearment. 

"It sounds too much like loony, and I didn't like it when you called me that either." Sirius apparently got the hint and was blissfully silent. Though that was probably because the professor had come in and class had started. 

"Hey, Moony," Sirius whispered, but Remus didn't bother responding. If Sirius wasn't going to call him by his proper name he wasn't going to answer. "Mooonnnyyyy!" Sirius wined, but he kept his eyes locked on his potions book. The other boy was just trying to get his attention and he wasn't going to let him goad him into responding. Suddenly something hit him on the side of the head. Remus watched as the object fell down to the desk and rolled in front of him. A newt's eye...Remus winced as another one hit, that brought up memories that he really didn't want to deal with. 

"Would you stop that?!" Remus said, turning to Sirius and glaring daggers at him. 

"It got you to look at me, didn't it?" Sirius said, completely unrepentant. Remus raised an eyebrow. 

"Is there any reason you wanted me to be looking at you? Do you wanted me to go blind or something?" he pointedly looked back down at his book. He heard someone snicker behind him. 

"I can see his point Sirius, I wouldn't want to look at your ugly mug either," James said cheerfully. Remus expected Sirius to say something right back, but when Sirius didn't rise to the bait, Remus spared a glance at him out of the corner of his eyes. Sirius was staring down at his parchment and quill, and he looked...hurt? 'You'd be hurt too if the person you like just told you you're ugly,' snapped his conscience. 'But he doesn't really like me! He just thinks he does!' the rest of him countered. But it was unusual for Sirius to be that quiet... 

"Sorry," he said quietly. Sirius looked up at him warily. Remus gave him what he hoped was a reassuring smile and was relieved when he smiled back. 

"Just for that," Sirius said finally. "I get to call you Moony." 

Remus sighed in defeat. 

"Fine." 

+++

"I can't except this 

All because of you 

I've had to walk away 

From everything 

And I'm afraid to be alone 

Afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone 

And I'm afraid to come back home." 

~ Home, Staind 

'I don't want to be doing this, I don't want to be here!' Sirius thought madly as the Hogwarts Express pulled into King's Cross station. 

He had been planning to spend the holiday lounging around the common room and pestering Remus, since he never seemed to go home for the winter holidays either. But no. His dad had sent him a brisk letter telling him to come home. 'It even had a stamp on it, how Muggle can you get?' he thought bitterly. 

The one thing that made him feel slightly better about the whole thing was that his plans wouldn't have worked out anyway. Remus had gotten a similar letter from his family and looked about as pleased to be going home as Sirius. Another plus was that Sirius had managed to convince the quiet boy to sit in the same compartment as him for the entire trip. (And he'd convinced James and Peter to leave the two of them alone.) Okay, so he'd taken Remus' bookbag and refused to give it back until the end of the trip, same thing. As the train pulled to a final, shuddering stop, Remus looked up from his book and stared at him. Sirius tried to give him one of his best smiles, but it wasn't truly sincere. He was too worried about what would happen once he got off the train. 

"Can I have my bag?" the other boy asked tersely. Sirius dug under his own stuff and pulled out Remus' bag. 

"Here you go," he said, handing it to him. "Thanks for being such a great conversationalist by the way." He added as the Remus left the compartment with a snort. "Have a nice holiday!" he yelled after him, but Remus didn't reply. 

"Well, 'bugger off' to you too, I was just trying to be nice," he muttered under his breath as he grabbed his backpack and Muggle jacket. He looked around once more and his eyes landed on a book left on the opposite seat. 

"'Dark Creatures: a Study of the Lives of the Damned.' Good god, why is he reading this? It sounds horrid," he said, picking it up. "He must have accidentally left it, I'll see if I can find him." He shoved the book into his bag and got off the train. He did look but he never found Remus. Instead, once he'd crossed through the barrier 

onto platforms 9 and 10, he found his father. 

Gareth Black, a tall blond haired man who looked much too young to have a son Sirius' age, stood with his arms crossed looking bored. Once he'd seen Sirius, his father stalked over to him, frowning. 

"Where have you been? I've been waiting for fifteen minuets," he said tersely. Sirius looked down at the ground. Explaining would be useless, so he didn't even try. His father was of the opinion that there was no way he could have friends. And ,being the delinquent that he was, even if he did have any he'd never do anything nice for them like returning a book. 

"Sorry dad," he mumbled. Gareth just snorted at him. 

"You got a lot of detentions. They obviously don't know how to discipline you properly." Sirius shivered, whenever his father said 'discipline' it wasn't a good thing, at least not for him. 

"I'm sorry, I'll do better next term," he said quickly. His father just snorted in disbelief. 

"Yeah right, just don't cause any problems wail you're here." He stayed quiet, knowing that any assurances that he would be good would fall on deaf ears or just make his father mad. He always seemed to make mischief, even when he didn't want to. For the entire ride back to the house Sirius was silent. He wondered 

how long his dad was going to be civil to him, so far things hadn't been too bad, but they had been in public. Once they reached the apartment, however, Sirius received a shock. The two of them had just gotten in the door when a woman appeared in the hallway. 

"Welcome back," she said, smiling at Gareth before turning to the very bewildered Sirius. "You must be Sirius, your fathers told me so much about you." She had her hands clasped together and talked to him in a sugary sweet voice that Sirius had always thought was reserved for small children. 

"Your name's not Io is it?" he blurted out and knew it was exactly the wrong thing to say when he saw the look that crossed his father's face. 'I've been home five minuets and I've already pissed him off, great.' 

"No it's Cassie, why?" the woman asked. Sirius just smiled, charming even though it was obviously faked. 

"Just checking," he said in his best 'now why would I do that professor?' voice. The woman, Cassie, laughed. Sirius saw his father relax and gave a silent sigh of relief. Maybe being home wouldn't be so bad after all. It turned out that Cassie didn't live with his father, but that she was thinking about moving in with him and had wanted to meet Sirius before making the final decision. 'poor woman,' Sirius had thought when he heard this. 'She doesn't know what she's getting into.' His dad had only had one other girlfriend that had lived with them, and Sirius had seen why his mother had left them. Gareth treated his girlfriends worse than he treated Sirius, and that was saying something. 

To Sirius' surprise, the holiday went rather smoothly. Cassie stayed over a lot and that seemed to put his father on his best behavior. That and the weather was fairly decent, for Midwinter anyway, so he spent a lot of time outside in the snow. 

With only one more full day to go till he would be back on the Hogwarts Express, Sirius was congratulating himself on having not made his father angry for the entire two weeks he'd been there. But as he walked back into the apartment after one of his walks he realized that maybe he hadn't succeeded at that as well as he'd 

thought. 

"Where have you been?" his father bit out as he came through the door. 

"I went for a walk," Sirius replied defensively. "Um...where's Cassie?" he asked trying to change the subject, but unfortunately this just made his father angrier. 

"Oh, she left. And you want to know why? Cause of you, you little shit." His father stood up from where he had been sitting at the kitchen table. "'I don't think he likes me'...'I like you and everything but I'm not ready to be a parent'" he mocked in a high falsetto voice. "Like she'd need to be..." Sirius started to back away, trying to get to the stairs and his room. His dad look very angry and he didn't want it to be taken out on him. 

"Where do you think you're going? Aren't you going to apologize?" his father snapped. 'I have to get out of here' Sirius thought, slightly panicked. Gareth hadn't so much as yelled at him for the entire holiday, but that was probably because he'd wanted to impress Cassie, but now that she was gone... 

"Uh...sorry, didn't mean to do...whatever it was I did...um...bye." Sirius tried to bolt from the room but his father caught his arm and used the momentum he'd gotten from trying to run off to slam him into the wall. 

"You're sorry? You don't sound like it," His father snarled at him. "Maybe I should make you..." He pulled back his fist and punched Sirius in the face. But Sirius had gotten a lot of practice fighting, mostly thanks to the Slytherins, and he rolled with the punch, ducking the second punch completely. He managed to get out from 

between his dad and the wall and quickly put the kitchen table between them. He belatedly realized that he'd put the table between him and the door as well. 

Unfortunately running away only made Gareth more angry. He charged at him and Sirius backed up, too quickly in his attempt to get away, and tripped over a chair. He fell backwards onto the linoleum. Sirius tried to scramble away but his father kicked him hard in the side and he fell back to the ground. He saw his father pick something up, almost absently, from the kitchen counter as he stalked towards him. Sirius's heart froze in his chest when he realized that his father was holding a knife. Gareth brought his arm down, and the knife's blade cut into his cheek. Sirius flung his arms over his face and backed further into the corner. His father kept winging at him, fist and knife battering him with increasing ferocity. His father was yelling things at him, but he was too terrified to make sense of the garbled shouts. The attach paused and Sirius looked up from behind his arms. His father stood over him, the knife raised high over his head. Sirius cowered further back against the wall desperately wishing for his wand. 'Oh, god,' he thought suddenly. 'I'm going to die, he's going to kill me.' Suddenly they were both startled by a pounding on the front door. 

"Mr. Black?!" the shrill voice of their neighbor, Mrs. Gouron, called in concern. "Are you all right? I heard shouting." Sirius was never more thankful that she couldn't keep her nose out of other peoples business. As his father turned to look at the front door, Sirius bolted past him and down the hall to his room. He didn't even pause to properly close the door as he dived under his bed and grabbed for his backpack. He hadn't brought much back from Hogwarts, just a few books and the object he was looking for now, his wand. 

He had just gotten it out from the bottom of his bag when the door to his room banged open. Gareth stood, panting, in the doorway, but before he had a chance to enter the room, Sirius had brought up his wand and pointed it straight at his father's chest. 

"Stay there," Sirius said, trying to sound calm even though his voice and hands were shaking. But his father didn't listen and started towards him. Sirius was relived to see that he had forgotten the knife back in the kitchen. Sirius tried to back up but as soon as Gareth was close enough, he grabbed Sirius' wand. 

"Stupefy!" Sirius yelled in panic, and had to move out of the way as his father fell to the floor unconscious. 

Sirius just stood there staring at his father for several seconds before he realized what had happened. 'Don't you get expelled if you use magic around Muggles?' he thought worriedly. 'Let alone using it on Muggles...' He continued to stand there and stare down at his father's still form, his mind jumbled and confused as the adrenaline slowly drained form his blood. His body began to shake and he fell to his knees, letting his head fall into his hands and winced when he pulled several of the cuts on his arms and face. 

Shaking and tired he slowly began to think coherently. He'd just used magic on his father; if he was still there when his dad woke up, he probably would be dead. He had to leave. With that thought in mind he stood on shaky legs and started grabbing things and shoving them into his backpack. Books, clothes, anything that would be useful, anything he would need: because he would never be coming back.

He'd had to use a packing charm to fit it all but he finally had everything he thought he would need from that place. He was to the doorway of his room when he stopped and walked back over to his father. He stood there and stared at him to make sure that he was asleep before nudging him with his foot. When that didn't even get a response he leaned down and took his dad's wallet. He had a handful of sickles in his bag and about fifteen galleons back at Hogwarts, it was a fair amount for a thirteen-year-old, but not enough to buy school supplies or anything important. He quickly took the money out of the wallet and let it fall to the floor before bolting for the door. 

He ran down the hall and out the front door, out of the apartment building. He was running out of fear, not that his father would catch him, but at the very idea of what he was doing, of everything he was leaving behind. To a passing Muggle he suspected that he looked pretty strange, some tall skinny kid with chin length hair running full tilt with an odd two hundred pounds clutched in on hand and a twig in the other. If he'd had the breath to laugh at himself, he would have. 

He came to a halt out of breath with his heart beating a mile a minuet. He bent over, resting his hands on his knees and tried to catch his breath. He knew that he had to go somewhere, if he just wandered the streets he'd get picked up by the police and sent back to his dad. 'James!' he thought suddenly. The other boy really was the closest thing he'd ever had to a best friend, and James'd help him if he showed up on his doorstep. But Sirius didn't know where he lived. He looked up through his hair at the phonebooth across the street and wondered idly if wizards had their names listed in the phonebook. Figuring he didn't have anything else to go on, he stood and started across the street. He didn't get very far though, as soon as he stood his blood-flow tried to returned to normal and his head started spinning. When he tried to take a step, he stumbled and in an effort to catch himself cartwheeled his arms wildly. He lost his battle with gravity at the same time a loud bang sounded not far up the street. Sirius managed to catch himself on his arms but his bag wasn't as lucky, it fell from his shoulder and it's contents spilled over the sidewalk. He didn't pay any attention to the large van or whatever that pulled to a stop in front of him as he tried to pick up all his belongings. That was, until someone in purple boots stepped out of it and began shouting. 

"Welcome to the Knight Bus, emergency transport for the stranded witch or wizard. Just stick out your wand hand and..." Sirius looked up at the man, who was dressed entirely in purple, as he stopped in his little speech and looked around. His eyes landed on Sirius, or more precisely Sirius' wand, and he grinned down at him. 

"What are ye doin' on the ground?" the man asked looking like he was trying not to laugh at him. Sirius ignored that for the moment. 

"How much and where can I go?" He asked quickly, pointing at what he now saw was a giant purple bus. 

"Six sickles to go just 'bout anywhere, a couple extra if yer wantin' a snack or sumat," the purple man replied brightly. Sirius thought about that for a moment. 

"If I asked you to take me to James Potter could you?" he asked. When the conductor stood there thinking for a wail Sirius decided to pick up his book from where they had fallen. 

"Nope, sorry but I don know a James Potter. Now Harold Potter, I knows where he lives, but I doubt he'd be willing to see you, seein' as he's so busy and all..." Sirius sighed, he'd figured that would be the case, but he'd had to try. 

As he reached to grab the last of his belongings he looked down at the last book, which had fallen open so that he could see the inside of the front cover. There was a square of parchment with a picture of a stack of books and a quill on it and under that read, in neat, careful script; 'This book belongs to: Remus J. Lupin, the bedroom in the basement, 335 Richmond Lane, Dursley.' Sirius' mouth crept into a slow smile. 

"How about taking me to Richmond Lane, Dursley?" 

The ride, thought strange, was uneventful. Sirius had found that he had exactly six sickles in his bag, after searching all the pockets and corners, and was very glad that he didn't have to try and pay in pounds. A couple of bangs and some rather scary driving later Sirius found himself standing outside the Lupin's house, trying to figure out how he was going to convince Remus to let him stay, or even not to slam the door in his face. 

He'd always been one for the direct approach, so he took a deep breath, march up to the front door and knocked. 

He was relived when Remus was the one to open the door but his heat sank at the look of cold disinterest he received form the other boy. A cold knot of dread started to form in the pit of his stomach as Remus' eyes swept down Sirius' bloody and disheveled form and he snorted derisively. He had hoped that, even though they didn't get along too well, that Remus would help him. Maybe he had been wrong. 

"Was there something you wanted?" the boy said, his voice dripping with disdain. This was not going the way he'd thought it would. The idea of falling to his knees and begging quickly flashed through his mind, but he decided to see if he could talk his way through this first. He could always beg later. 

"I brought your book back," he said, pulling the slightly more battered book from his backpack. He had meant it as a peace offering, a plea for forgiveness for whatever was making Remus look at him with such complete disinterest. The other boys eyebrows drew together in a frown. 

"That's not mine," he said shortly. Sirius' eyes widened in surprise. 

"Yeah it is," he said, sounding rather desperate. Why was Remus doing this? "It says right here: Remus J. Lupin, the bedroom in the ..." 

"Sirius?" a voice said from inside the house, cutting him off. Sirius looked over Remus' shoulder and into the house and saw... Remus? 

"You're not supposed to come to the door!" the boy standing closest to Sirius yelled in outrage. But his doppelganger paid no attention to him. He stepped forward, a shocked and worried look in his gold eyes. 

"Gods, Sirius, what happened to you?" again he was looked over, but this time he saw the other boy wince slightly as he saw every cut and bruise. Sirius looked between the two boys standing in the doorway. The one at the door was a good three centimeters taller. And when Sirius looked him, meeting his eyes, he couldn't contain his start of surprise. The eyes that glared at him were a boring muddy brown, not the haunted hazel-gold he was used to. He turned to the shorter of the two. 

"Remus?" he asked quietly, he really wasn't in the mood or condition to deal with this right now. 

"Yeah, why don't you come in, it's... Romulus, move!" the real Remus had turned to glared at the other boy who was refusing to budge from his place in the doorway. 

"Mum and dad said you weren't to go near the front door, let alone invite anyone in!" the boy said. 

"Romulus, he's a friend of mine," Remus said curtly, forcefully pushing the other boy out of the way. "So mum and dad can just yell at me when they get back." They glared at each other for a moment before Romulus conceded. 

"Don't eat him," the other boy shot back at him before disappearing into the house. Remus glared after him, his lips pulling back from his teeth in a silent snarl and for the first time Sirius realized how sharp they looked. Remus shook himself visibly and took a deep breath before looking back at Sirius. 

"Um...come in?" Remus said a little unsteadily. Sirius nodded and entered the house, staring down the hall where the other boy had fled. 

"Who was that?" he asked. Remus made a rather unpleasant face as he lead Sirius further into the house. 

"My twin brother, Romulus." He said with a grimace. Sirius frowned, hadn't there been some sort of story about a guy with that name? Something about twins and wolves... 

"Is he a..." he couldn't quite bring himself to ask the full question, but it was obvious that Remus had understood. They stopped in front of a closet and Sirius watched as Remus pulled out what looked like 

potion vials and a role of gauze. 

"No." Remus answered. Sirius stared at him as he opened the door opposite the closet and ushered him into a rather large bathroom. It was rather surreal, being there. Remus hadn't asked why he was there or what had happened to him. He just went about getting things together to patch him up, acting eerily like Madam Pomfrey. 

"Were your eyes brown?" he asked suddenly. And immediately kicked himself, he really didn't want to piss Remus off right now and asking him stupid questions would not help. 

"We were identical until I was bitten six years ago." Remus said quietly. 

"That long?" Sirius asked softly, that was such a long time ago, Sirius wondered silently if the other boy even remembered anything before he was bitten. 

"Yeah," he said, shrugging off the sympathy in Sirius' voice. "Sit," Sirius did, gratefully. He watched as Remus opened one of the vials and put a generous amount of potion on to a strip of gauze. Remus reached out and grabbed on of Sirius' arms and stared transfixed at the cuts that covered it. 

"Did you do this?" he asked quietly, his hand reaching out to touch one of the cuts on his shoulder. 

"What?" Sirius asked, baffled. Why would he do this to himself? 

"Never mind," Remus said quickly, turning to look at the potions and medicines he'd gotten out. 

"M-my dad, he got really pissed at me and, well..." he shuddered, the image of his father standing over him, knife in hand, flashed behind his eyes. "Why did you think I did it?" he said, trying to change the subject, if only slightly. 

"It's nothing...just...during the full moon, I...well you saw me that morning." Sirius nodded, he had thought he'd seen him that morning covered in his own set of bruises and cuts. 

"Oh...but you were fine when I say you during class. I thought I'd imagined it." 

"I heal fast." "and I guess it's not really me, it's the...the wolf, but..." 

"It's horrible isn't it," it wasn't a question, and it didn't need to be. The way Remus spoke, the fear in his voice, the shaking of his hands as he wet a washcloth in the sink, 'I wonder what its like to be terrified of something that's a part of who you are?' 

"Yes, it's...bad." After that neither of them spoke for a long time as Remus methodically cleaned the cuts on his arms and face. 

"I'm sorry," Sirius said finally, looking up into Remus' gold eyes. 

"For what," the other boy asked looking confused. 

"For everything, for making your life hell, for bugging you, for...for what I did when I found out..." Sirius rapped his arms around himself and looked away, feeling incredibly guilty and hopeless and angry and... 'I will not cry,' he thought fiercely, closing his eyes tight. 

There was an acquired silence for a long moment and then Sirius felt a pair of arms wrap around him. He turned into the comfort that Remus was offering, burying his face in the other boys shoulder. 

"It's alright," Remus said soothingly as he smoothed down the other boys hair, pulling him closer. "I forgive you." 

They stayed that way for a wail until Sirius calmed himself down enough so he was sure he wouldn't cry. He was sorry, but he wasn't going to be that mushy about it. 

They were both startled when a woman's voice yelled at the top of her lungs. 

"Remus Julius Lupin! Come here this instant!" Remus winced and he heard him mutter 'bugger' under his breath. Sirius snickered. 

"Your middle name is Julia?" he asked, attempting to lighten the mood. 

"Julius!" Remus said indignantly. "And so what, what's yours?" he countered. 

"Hyperion," Sirius said proudly. Remus stared at him, stifling a laugh behind his hand. 

"And your making fun of my middle name?" he asked incredulously. 

Sirius stuck his tongue out at him. They left the bathroom and Remus led them into a very neat and formal living room. Two adults that Sirius assumed were Remus' parents were standing in the middle of the room, looking stern. And Romulus stood off to the side with a smug little smirk on his face that made Sirius want to hit him. 

"Good lord, what happened to him?" Remus' mother said as they came into the room. "Did you do that?!" she asked, turning on Remus. 

"What?!" they both shouted in unison. Sirius stared at her in shock, how could she think such a thing? 

"No, Mrs. Lupin, it was...I had an accident." Sirius said quickly, trying not to let his anger at her accusation color his voice. If he was going to stay here, he'd have to convince Remus' parents to let him stay, not just Remus. 

"M-Mrs. Lupin, um...I was wondering if I could stay the night, o-or at least barrow the family owl so I can contact James. I-I'm in a bit of a bind and, well, I..." he had to stop and take a deep breath as he realized what he was about to say. And how true the statement was. 

"I don't have anywhere else to go." 

+++

"Well, take a look and blow my fantasy away 

Turn off the lights and shine the spotlight down on you 

Well I could never understand a word you'd ever say 

And all the people that you ever hurt came down on you 

Well I can understand just why you went away" 

~ It's All Good, Cold 

"I don't have anywhere else to go." 

Remus felt himself wince at the hopeless tone in Sirius' usually confident voice. He'd known the other boy was in trouble the moment he'd seen him at the door. Frankly, Sirius had looked much like he did after an especially violent full moon. What Remus could see of his face and arms had been covered in cuts and bruises, and he'd smelled of blood, pain and fear. And Romulus had just stood there and done nothing! 

But his twin didn't know Sirius. Didn't know that the weak smile and pleading voice were so unlike the usually loud and obnoxious boy. Remus couldn't have not invited him in, it would have been criminal. And now, gods how could his mother think that he would... He'd never hurt anyone. The only fight he'd ever been in was that one with Sirius months ago, and his parents had never even heard about it. Silvia and Tiberius Lupin exchanged glances above the boys heads. 

His mothers eyes flicked toward Remus briefly and his father nodded. 

"No," Tiberius said, braking Remus out of his thoughts. 'No!' he though, stunned. Couldn't his dad see what a state Sirius was in?! "I'm sorry but you can't stay here, Remus is ill and..." 

"I am not!" Remus all but yelled. Everyone in the room turned to look at him. "If your going to turn him away when he obviously needs help, don't use my...illness as an excuse." He bit out. His father frowned at him disapprovingly and his mother looked on, vaguely frightened. He sighed, sagging a bit in resignation. 'Great going,' he told himself. 'Now they'll never listen to you.' 

"Please, it's only for one night. We'll both be gone by tomorrow," he pleaded, making sure his voice was soft and controlled. "And Sirius can stay in my room, you won't even know he's here." He felt like an idiot. He sounded like he had when he was five and had wanted to keep a stray dog as a pet. 'Please mum, he followed me home, can I keep him?' 

"Sirius...?" his mother said thoughtfully. "Didn't you say that was the name of the bully that kept bothering you?" she asked. Sirius looked at him in alarm, apparently he'd never heard himself called a bully before. 

"No mum," he said, lying through his teeth. "You're thinking of Severus. He's a Slytherin in my year who likes to tease me." Romulus snorted in amusement, he liked hearing about what a horrible time

Remus had at school. Every one was silent for a moment as Remus' parents looked Sirius over, trying to gauge how much trouble he would be and weather it would be more trouble to get rid of him. His parents exchanged another look. 

"He's a friend of yours then?" his father asked. Remus nodded in agreement. 

"Yes," he said quietly. He'd already lied once, and it was looking more and more like that statement wasn't as false as it used to be. 

"And you gave him our address?" uh-oh, that was something he'd been expressly forbidden to do. Come to think of it, how had Sirius found his house? 

"Remus didn't tell me anything," Sirius said quickly, obviously realizing that it would get Remus in trouble if he didn't say something. "He lent me a book over the holiday, and your address was on the inside cover." Remus blinked at him in surprise. So that's where that book had gone, he must have left in on the train and Sirius had picked it up. Remus could see that his mother wanted to ask more questions, probably about what had happened to Sirius and other invasive things like that but his father thankfully cut her off. 

"I guess you can stay," he said it as if it were a great concession on his part. "After all you'll be going back to Hogwarts in the morning." Both Remus and Sirius let out a sigh of relief. And before his mother could ask any more annoying questions or before Romulus could convince their parents that it was a bad idea, Remus grabbed 

Sirius by the arm and hauled him out of the room. 

He paused in the bathroom to get Sirius' things and a few of the healing potions Remus would need to finish treating him before heading down to his room. Once they were safely behind closed doors Remus turned to Sirius and glared at him, arms crossed. 

"Alright," he said. "What is going on, why are you here and what the bloody hell happened to you?" Sirius looked a bit taken back by the barrage of questions, as if he had thought that everything was alright and he wouldn't have to explain himself. 

"Um..." Sirius said intelligently. "Well, I really did find your house using the address in your book, even if you didn't give it to me. And..." the other boy paused and looked down at the floor. "I really do need a place to stay, and like I said, my dad... got mad at me..." Sirius just let the sentence hang and shrugged. 

"That doesn't explain why you're so beat up," Remus said pointedly. He would get to the bottom of this. Even if Sirius was going to be difficult. 

"I told you, my dad..." Remus frowned, and then gaped at the other boy in shock. Sirius didn't seem like he could say it out loud, but Remus was starting to get the idea. 

"Your dad did that to you?" he asked incredulously. Sirius seemed to curl up on himself, wrapping his long arms around his chest and hunching his shoulders. 

"yeah..." he said weakly, not meeting Remus' eyes. 'I never realized that humans did that to each other,' he though, feeling vaguely sick. He'd read plenty of things about what they did to werewolves and other 'creatures', but he'd always thought that it was because the humans considered them monsters and had wanted to punish them. Not just... because they could. 

Remus plopped down on the edge of his bed and stared at the other boy. Hunched over like he was, Sirius didn't look nearly as imposing as Remus remembered. He looked thin and gangly... and lost. 

"Come here and sit down, I haven't finished treating you wounds," he said, changing the subject before he had a chance to feel too sorry for the other boy. 

"And take off your shirt." Remus mentally smacked himself the moment the words left his mouth, Sirius would definitely take that the wrong way. And indeed, both of Sirius' eyebrows had shot up and he was smirking at Remus. He just glared at the other boy for a long moment and the smirk quickly vanished. 

"Some of the cuts went through your shirt," he said in clarification. Sirius did as he requested and sat down on the bed, shirtless. He looked skeptically at the bright green potion Remus was preparing to dab onto a cut on his shoulder. 

"You know what your doing right?" he asked, looking doubtful. "You're not going to poison me or anything?" 

"None of these potions have ever poisoned me so I doubt they'll hurt you." Remus said calmly as he turned one of Sirius' arms over and started applying the potion liberally on the cuts. They sat in silence for a long time, Sirius watching as Remus doctored his injuries. Remus tried to ignore the other boy's stare that lingered even after he'd cleaned the last of Sirius' wounds. 

"Are they always like that?" Sirius asked, breaking the awkward lull that had fallen between them. Remus frowned at him in confusion. 

"Are who like what?" he asked. 

"Your parents, and your brother, they were walking on eggshells back there." Sirius said waving his hand toward the door and upstairs. 

"They try and protect me..." Remus replied meekly. 

"From what?" Sirius asked. 

"Myself, I suppose." Sirius snorted, showing his opinion on that. 

Apparently sitting quietly was too much for him and the taller boy because he soon stood and began pacing around the room. He looked over the large bookshelf with mild interest before examining Remus' desk. Remus tried to remember if there was anything out that he didn't want the other boy to see. He couldn't think of anything except...oh no. Remus surged to his feet but Sirius had already found the inconspicuous looking book that had been lying open on his desk. 

"Hey, what's this?" Sirius asked, picking it up. 

"Give it back!" Remus yelled, making a grab for the book. But Sirius danced back, holding the book above his head and out of reach. Remus glared at his and he felt a muscle jump as he clenched his teeth. 

"Okay, okay, gees," Sirius said, holding the book out in front of him as if to ward him off. Remus took it and hugged it to his chest, still glaring bayfully at Sirius. The other boy looked almost hurt, like he didn't quite know what he'd done to deserve that cold look. 

"Sorry, I just spent a lot of time on this, that's all." Remus mumbled 

"What is it?" 

"A Grimorie," 

"You mean one of those things with demon's names in it?" 

"That's a type of grimorie, this one just has interesting spells and notes about werewolves and such," 

"Can I see?" "An invisibility potion? Living maps? There's even a spell here how to stick to walls! Where did you find this stuff?" he asked incredulously, eyes wide. 

"I got permission to read the books in the restricted section, on the pretense of learning more about Lycanthropy, but I looked at some of the other books too. And with a lot of those things I copied them down cause they sounded interesting, but I can't figure out how to make them work." Sirius 'hmmed' at him, apparently engrossed in one of the spells he'd found. 

"I think I could do this one," he pronounced at length. They soon got into a rather heated argument about the ethics of making all of Slytherins invisible, if even temporarily. 

"Just think about it, you'd never have to look at their ugly faces again!" Sirius had said, smiling at the thought. They'd gotten through about half the book when Remus' mother had called down that dinner was ready. Sirius had immediately perked up and had started for the stairs. 

"Sirius!" Remus called after him. He turned and frowned as a shirt was thrown in his face. The taller boy looked from the shirt and then down to his bare chest. "Whoops," he said, smiling at Remus as he pulled the too small shirt over his head. Dinner was thankfully short, mostly because, as soon as they had filled their plates, they were allowed to retreat back down the Remus' room. 

"Why is your room in the basement?" Sirius asked around a mouthful of food. 

"The silencing charms don't need to be as strong since I'm isolated from the rest of the bedrooms by the first floor." Remus said as he played with the food on his plate. 

"Silencing charms?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow. Remus stared down at his hand. 

"I...have nightmares," he muttered. "I hope I don't wake you up." 

"I never hear you," Sirius said in confusion. When Remus looked puzzled he elaborated. "At night in our dorm, I never hear you." 

"I always cast a weak silencing charm and a laryngitis curse before I fall asleep." Remus explained. 

"You make yourself mute?" Sirius said in alarm. He supposed that for someone like Sirius, being mute seemed like a horrible punishment. 

But sometimes he when through the entire day at Hogwarts without realizing he hadn't taken the hex off. 

"You three would never get a good night's sleep if I didn't," he said with a shrug. "But I can't do that tonight, underage wizarding laws and all that." Sirius just nodded, eyeing the small bed skeptically. 

"So which side are you taking?" he asked. 

"What?" Remus asked in surprise. 

"Which side of the bed?" Remus sat up straighter and crossed his arms, trying to look stern. 

"Who says you get to sleep on the bed?" He asked indignantly. There was no way he was going to share a bed with the other boy, the gods only knew what Sirius'd do to him in his sleep. 

"The rug should be comfortable," he said finally, throwing a blanket at him. 

"Aren't you supposed to be nice to your guests," Sirius asked rhetorically even as he grabbed a pillow from Remus' bed and started to make himself comfortable. 

"That would imply that I invited you," Remus muttered but regretted it when Sirius winced. They were silent for a while as they both got ready for bed, or in Sirius' case floor. Remus was just about ready to extinguish the torch that lit the room when Sirius turned to him and smiled. 

"Do I at least get a kiss goodnight? Sirius asked, wagging his brows suggestively. He continued to smiling unrepentantly even when Remus threw a pillow at him. 

"No!" he huffed indignantly. "And that is why you're sleeping on the floor!" he said, laying down and pulling his blanket over his head. 

"Night Moony," Sirius said, chuckling to himself. 

"Night, you arrogant prick," Remus muttered under his breath. He'd meant it to be an insult, but it came out sounding almost like an endearment. 

"What?" Sirius asked sleepily. 

"Goodnight, Sirius," Remus said, loud enough for the other boy to hear him. 

But Remus had been wrong about waking Sirius with his nightmares. For when he did claw his way back to consciousness, howling and panting with fear, the first things he heard outside the pounding of his heart where whimpers that sounded very much like his own. He crawled to the edge of his bed and looked down at Sirius who seemed to be caught up in his own set of nightmares. 

He remembered Peter saying something about his parents letting his sleep with them when he had nightmares. Maybe the body heat helped banish the bad dreams. He didn't know, his parents had never let him do that even before he was bitten. 

'If you so much as breath on me funny...' he thought silently at Sirius, as he crawled out of bed and onto the floor. There must have been something to the idea. Because when he laid down next to Sirius, the other boy quieted immediately. He also, to Remus' dismay, turned in his sleep and flung an arm over the shorter boy. Remus sighed in defeat, not bothering to extract himself from the other boy's embrace before falling back asleep. He was, unfortunately, the second one to wake up the next morning. 

The first sight that greeted his bleary eyes was Sirius' face not three inches from his own. He jumped slightly in surprise but didn't try to get away. Sirius' gazed pinned him where he was. 

"You won't let me sleep in your bed, but you will sneak out of it and come sleep with me on the floor?" Sirius asked at length his eyes never leaving Remus'. 

"Sorry," Remus muttered. It didn't seem right, now that he thought about it. And now that the sun was up he couldn't quite remember what had possessed him to fall asleep next to the other boy. They were both startled out of their staring contest by a loud knock on the bedroom door. One moment Remus was on the floor on his back and the next he was half way across the room, grabbing things and shoving them into his bag. 

"We're leaving in ten minutes, you better be ready!" Romulus shouted through the door. Remus wouldn't have been surprised if his brother had been told to get them half an hour ago and had put it off just to get them in trouble. But they both quickly got their belongings together and had made it upstairs with time to spare, much to the annoyance of his twin. 

The trip to King's Cross was thankfully uneventful and they were soon sitting in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express stifling yawns and trying not to fall asleep in their seats. 

"Why are you so tired?' Remus asked. 'It's not like Sirius woken up in the middle of the night like I did.' 

"You punched me in the stomach about three am and I didn't get back to sleep," Sirius said before yawning again. 'Or maybe he did,' he amended silently. 

"Sorry," he muttered. 

"It's okay..." Sirius mumbled, and within a few moments he'd fallen asleep. 

Remus had nearly dozed off himself when he felt something land on his shoulder. Sirius had slipped sideways in his sleep until his head rested on Remus' shoulder. He was debating weather or not to push him the other way when the door to the compartment opened and James walked in. 

"Hey," James said brightly, smiling in amusement at the picture the two of them must have made. "Did you have a good Holiday?" he asked, as if he knew the answer. 

"No," Remus said, making James start in surprise at the chill in his voice. "And Sirius' was even worse." 

"What happened?" James said, concern flooding his voice as he sat down across from Remus. 

"Has Sirius ever told you about his dad?" he asked the bespectacled boy. 

"Besides the fact that he's a pig-headed, ignorant, Muggle bastard? No, why?" James gasped in surprise as Remus reached up and pushed Sirius' bangs out of his sleeping face, exposing one of the many still healing cuts. 

"He has dozens of these all over," he pronounced gravely. "From what I can get out of him, I think his father attacked him with a knife." 

James stared at him in horror and then flicked his gaze down to the sleeping boy. 

"He told me it was bad, but...I thought he meant he was really strict or something. I never thought..." James trailed off looking stricken. "So he's been there this whole time with that monster?" 

Remus flinched. He didn't like the word 'monster' even when it was referring to someone else. 

"It happened some time yesterday, he's been at my house ever since," he said. 

"Your house?" James asked, surprise and something Remus couldn't quite identify coloring his voice. He almost sounded smug. 

"I don't think he knows where you live, otherwise he probably would have gone to you," Remus said quickly. 

"I'm not so sure. He looks awfully comfortable," James observed, staring at the two of them with a raised eyebrow. Remus blushed and turned to look out the window. 

"He can't like me, not really." He said after a long time. 

"Why, cause you're a boy?" James asked. Remus shook his head. 

"I'm not a boy. I'm not even human," he said bitterly. 

"That's not true, all werewolves are born human aren't they?" a voice said in his ear. Sirius sat up and glared at him reproachfully. "You woke me up." Remus turned to say something to him but the words died in his throat. 

Peter was standing in the doorway with eyes the size of dinner plates, looking at the three of them as if they'd all sprouted fangs and fur. His frightened little eyes landed on Remus and he squeaked out "werewolves?" before bolting away down the corridor. Both James and Sirius when right after him. Remus stared at the open compartment door for a moment before curling up on himself and banging his forehead on his knees. 'stupid, stupid, stupid...' 

But there were no shouts of outrage or cries of fear from the other student on the train. And as the Express jerked to a start, Sirius and James lead the still shaking Peter back into the compartment before closing and locking the door. 

"Peter, calm down," James said sternly to the quivering boy. James sat him down on the opposite bench, farthest from Remus, and tried to get him to stop gibbering like an idiot. Sirius remained standing in front of the door and he cast an apologetic look at Remus. 

"Peter," the round boy jumped when Remus said his name and he turned to look at him with frightened eyes. "It's okay. I don't bite." The three boys stared at him wide-eyed for a moment before Sirius started to chuckle. That set James off and soon even Peter had mustered a weak laugh. Once they'd stopped laughing Sirius sat back down next to Remus and clapped a hand on his shoulder. 

"Moony, you never told us you had a sense of humor," he said in mock reproach. Remus just rolled his eyes. 

"Moony...?" Peter echoed, his brows furrowed in concentration. 

"Yes, a horrible nickname for a werewolf don't you think?" Remus asked lightly, watching Peter's reaction. The nervous little boy just smiled a little. 

"Definitely something Sirius would come up with," he said conspiratorially and Remus nearly sagged in relief. 

"Promise you won't tell?" he asked hopefully, Peter nodded. 

"And we promise not to let anyone else find out either," James put in. The three boys nodded in agreement. 

"And not to use it against you..." Sirius whispered, looking at him out of the corner of his eyes. Remus couldn't keep the smile from his face. 

"Thank you." 

+++

"You can't hear what I'm not saying 

And I can hold out long enough 

Treading water to keep from sinking 

Cause I'm not one for reaching 

You say that I can play 

a pretty convincing role 

But I don't need you 

I don't think I need you" 

~ Sinking, Jars of Clay 

For the past month Sirius had been having the best time of his life. After that day on the train, James and Peter had quickly adopted Remus into their group. Though Peter was still jittery about the whole werewolf thing. 

And that book of Remus' had proved very useful. They'd turned all of Snape's textbook invisible and had laughed at him all day as he tried to find them. And they'd used a hair-curling charm on Lucius so that 

his hair turned into a big puffball on his head that Sirius had told him, through his laughter, was all the rage in America. Sirius was still trying to convince Moony to let them use the wall-sticking charm to hang from the ceiling in the girl's shower, though. So far he'd always been turned down. 

'Hmm...maybe he was jealous?' Sirius smiled as he entered the Great Hall. It was a nice thought, even if he knew it wasn't true. 

His attraction to the other boy had settled down to a low simmer. It was always there in the back of his mind, but the overwhelming need to be the focus of the other boys every thought wasn't as strong as it used to be. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that, now that they were friends, Remus would actually smile when he walked into the room. 

And speaking of the scrumptious werewolf, there he was at the Gryffindor table already starting on his breakfast. 

"Sit over there," Remus said in way of greeting, pointing to the other side of the table. 

"Why?" Sirius asked, looking like the very picture of shock and innocence. 

"Because you have that look in your eyes this morning, and I don't feel like being felt up at the breakfast table." 

Okay, so he'd put his hand on Remus' knee once. Once! That had been two weeks ago! You'd think he would have forgiven him by now. 

"I wasn't!" he protested. But Remus just continued to point across the table. 

"Are you harassing Moony again, Sirius?" James asked from somewhere behind him. 

"Of course," Sirius said brightly. Remus just rolled his eyes as he and James snickered. Peter chuckled too, but he didn't get the joke. 

Sirius was tempted to snog Remus in front of him, just to see if the nervous little boy would get it then. But he kept his hormones in check and they all sat down for breakfast. But Sirius couldn't resist proving Remus right, so once they'd all gotten settled he stretched his foot under the table until he'd found Remus'. He'd managed to get his foot under Remus' trouser-leg and halfway up his calf before Remus pulled his foot back and kicked 

Sirius sharply under the table. 

"Ouch!" 

"You okay Sirius?" James asked, and then he saw the look of annoyance Remus was wearing and sighed. 

"What did you do this time?" asked James in exasperation. Sirius was thankfully saved from replying when a mail owl dropped a letter neatly in front of James. 

The pain in his leg forgotten, Sirius immediately looked at James expectantly. 

"Is that from your dad?" he asked hopefully. James nodded and quickly tore open the letter. About a week ago they'd written James' dad a rather long letter explaining Sirius' predicament and asking if he could stay with James' family over the summer holiday. James looked up from the letter and frowned at Sirius' expectant face. 

"Sorry Sirius," he said gravely. "They said you can't stay with us, not permanently anyway." Sirius' heart sand and he too looked down at his breakfast, no longer hungry. 

"What am I supposed to do?" 

"You could stay at my house again if you want," Sirius turned to stare at Remus as if he grown another head. Remus cleared his throat and looked down at the table. "That is, if you can stand my brother, and it'd have to be for a strategically placed three weeks." He babbled. 

Sirius smiled at him gratefully and glared at Peter when he cringed at the overt mention of Remus' Lycanthropy. 

"Well that would cover all but a week of the holiday, because my parents did say you could stay for a month," James said. "And I'm sure that Peter can convince his parents to let you stay for just a week, right Peter?" he continued, poking the round boy in the side. 

"Oh! Yeah, sure," Peter squeaked out, giving his a sheepish smile. Sirius looked at the three of them and gave them a rather sappy, grateful smile. He had to have the best friends in the world. "My dad had another idea," James said hesitantly, snapping Sirius out of his mushy thoughts. 

"Yeah?" Sirius prompted. James poked at his food and didn't look at him. 

"He said maybe you could, well, try and find your mum." Sirius stared at him for a long time before letting out a snort of laughter. 

"All I know about her is that her name is Io Malius, and she probably married by now, so that's not even true anymore." He said a bit annoyed. His mother probably wouldn't want him anyway; she had left him with his dad after all. 

"I could ask my dad to help, he is Minister of Magic after all, he could probably pull some strings with the muggle government or... something...What?" James asked as his three friends stared at him in disbelief. 

"Your dad's the Minister of Magic?" Peter squeaked out, eyes wide. 

James looked at them, blinking owlishly. 

"You guys didn't know that?" he asked in surprise. They all shook their heads and then Sirius got an annoyed look on his face and banged his head against the table. They heard him mutter "I am an idiot" under his breath before lifting his head from the table. 

"Your dad's name is Harold isn't it." Sirius asked rhetorically. 

"Yeah, why?" the bespecaled boy asked in confusion. 

"It something the guy on the knight bus said," Sirius said vaguely before turning to Remus, grinning. "See Moony, I could have gone to James' but I still decided to see you, aren't you flattered?" 

"Sure..." Remus said, noncommittally. Sirius shook his head, something that James had said nagging at him. 

"Could he really find her, do you think?" he asked James, suddenly serious again. James thought about it for a moment, biting his lip before replying. 

"I don't know," he said finally. "But it's worth a try. I mean, you can still stay with use," he gestured to Remus, Peter and himself, "if it doesn't work out." Sirius nodded. 

"Might as well..." 

"Eeep!" they all turned to look at Peter, who was now frantically trying to finish his breakfast. "Ith amotht tum fol clath!" he said around bites. James and Sirius looked at him, completely puzzled. 

"It's almost time for class," Remus clarified as he stood from the table and gathered his things. Sirius stood as well. 

"Can I walk you to your class?" he asked. Remus frowned at him. 

"I have Runes, down in the southern end of the castle. Don't you think that's a bit out of the way, considering that you have Divination, in the North tower?" Remus asked. 

"For you? Nothing is out of the way," Sirius said, trying to sound dramatic before bowing to Remus. When he looked up again he saw that Remus was already at the doors leading out of the Great Hall. 

"Hey, wait!" Sirius yelled after him. Grabbing his books and running to catch up to he other boy. 

James did send a letter to his father after getting as much information from Sirius as he could. But nothing was mentioned about it since and they all thought that they'd have to fall back on having Sirius stay at all three of their houses over the summer. What little hope Sirius had let himself have of hearing from his mother quickly 

faded and was forgotten. Time seemed to fly by and it was soon nearly time for their end of term exams. And they unanimously decided to let of a little stress by making some Slytherins lives miserable. And as luck would have it, they found Snape and Malfoy walking down a hall towards them not long after they'd made that decision. A malicious smile crossed Sirius' face as he pulled the other three behind a corner to prepare a plan 

of attack. 

"So what should we do to them?" he asked. James rummaged through his pockets and brought out a dungbomb. 

"How about the old tried and true?" he suggested. Sirius chuckled and nodded. Then thought for a moment. 

"We'll need a distraction," his eyes swept over Remus and Peter, who were just standing there letting them plan. "Remus! You go and talk to Snape, get him to pay attention to you." 

"Why me?' 

"Cause you're the least suspicious of us, and Peter wouldn't go within ten feet of him by himself," Sirius said, while Peter protested weakly in the background. 

"But what am I supposed to..." he started to ask and then stopped, a wide smile crossing his lips, barring his teeth. "Alright," he said. 

And turned and walked back out into the corridor. James gave Sirius the dungbomb and they waited. 

"Hello Severus," they heard Remus say. 

"What do you want, Lupin." Snape replied sharply. Sirius peaked around the corner so that he could see what was going on. 

"I was wondering if you knew where Lily was, I wanted to talk to her." 

"Lily?" he heard James mutter behind him and had to keep from snickering. James and Snape's rivalry had gone to new heights when they had realized that they both liked the same girl. But James seemed to have the upper hand, since he had his friends to help back him up. 

"I have no idea," Snape bit out resentfully. "Why don't you ask Potter." 

"Do you like her?" Remus asked, suddenly changing the topic. Snape scowled at him and crossed his arms. 

"Why do you want to know," he asked skeptically. 

"Cause I know someone else who would really like to go out with you," 

Remus said, almost looking shy and demure. Sirius decided that Remus had distracted the Slytherin git enough and started walking towards them on silent feet. 

"You do?" the black haired boy asked just as Sirius came to stand right behind him. He held a finger against his lips and winked at Remus. 

"Yeah, I mean, he'd never admit to it, but..." Remus started but was cut off by Snape. Sirius paused and looked at him in confusion. Remus smiled at him. 

"He?!" the Slytherin boy squeaked in astonishment. 

"But I know Sirius would love to go out with you," he said finally, just as Sirius stuck the dungbomb down the other boys shirt. They both shouted "what?!" at the top of their lungs, staring at him in shock. Remus had the presence of mind to grab Sirius' wrist and drag him back around the corner just as the dungbomb went off. James and Peter were leaning against the wall, fighting to stay upright against the force of their laughter. 

"You are so dead," Sirius growled. Remus just smiled at him. 

"Potter, Black, Pettigrew!" the stern voice of Professor McGonagall rang through the hall as she marched towards them. "What have you done this time?" she asked once she'd stopped in front of them. 

"Why you damn bastards I'll..." Snape shouted as he stalked around the corner, but stopped abruptly when he saw Professor McGonagall. Sirius and James started fanning their noses as the stench from the dungbomb 

traveled down the corridor. Professor McGonagall scowled down at them. 

"Detention for all three of you," she snapped out, pushing up her glasses up and rubbing the bridge of her nose. 

"All four," Snape cut in. "Lupin was in on it too," he said resentfully. Professor McGonagall turned to stare at Remus, whom she apparently hadn't noticed until now. He looked up at her sheepishly. 

"It's completely my fault, Professor. I forced him to help us," Sirius said quickly. Professor McGonagall looked between the two of them and shook her head. 

"Detention for all four of you and Mr. Black if you would come with me," at this, Remus' eyes got wide and he looked like he was going to try and defend Sirius, but she cut him off. 

"This has nothing to do with this little incident. The headmaster wants to see you in his office to discuss something with you." Sirius nodded and followed her, shooting one worried glance back at his friends before they were out of sight. 

Sirius had been to Dumbledore's office a few times before, but it had always been for doing something wrong. Why would he want to see him now, if it wasn't for one prank or another? They stopped in front of the huge stone gargoyle that had thankfully shrunk, at least to Sirius' mind, since the first time he'd been brought here in first year, absolutely certain that he was going to be expelled for smuggling a boober-tuber out of Herbology. 

With a murmur of 'sugar quill' from Professor McGonagall, the gargoyle leapt aside and they walked up the spiral stair to Dumbledore's circular office. 

He was surprised when he found not only the Headmaster in the office, but a tall dark haired woman as well. She had dark, hooded eyes and a haughty expression on her face. And was wearing a very expensive looking robes. 

"Oh, good, you look nothing like him." Sirius blinked at the woman standing next to Dumbledore's desk. 

"What?" he asked, completely confused. 

"Jared Black...or was it Mareth?" she paused and then waved her hand dismissively. "It doesn't matter. I'm just glad to see you got your looks from my side of the family, along with your magic." She said, smiling superiorly as him. Sirius just continued to stare at her. 

"What?" he repeated. None of this was making sense, who was this woman? 

"Didn't they tell you?" she asked him, but Sirius just shook his head. "No? I'm Io Lestrange...I'm your mother." 

Sirius' eyes went wide and he gawked at her. 

"Imagine my surprise when the Minister of Magic himself owled me and asked if I was a relative of a boy named Sirius Hyperion Black, who just happened to be a friend of his son's." She said, hiding her smiling lips behind her hand as she let out a cultured laugh. "And to think, if I'd know you weren't a squib I wouldn't have left you with that horrid Muggle." 

"You're my mum?" Sirius asked, his mind whirling at the possibility. 

"Yes," she said. 

"Lestrange...?" that wasn't what his dad had said her last name was. 

"Is my married name. My husband's name is Quintus, but you should call him Mr. Lestrange when you come to live with us. At least until we're all settled." She said as if it were the most normal thing in the world. 

"Live with you?" Sirius said, startled. 

"Unless you want to keep living with that Muggle," she said with distaste. Sirius mused that she really must have known his dad at some point. 

"No! No I...I'd love to...mum," he said quickly, a huge smile on his face.


	2. Chapter 11

Remus had to smile at how happy Sirius looked when they got off the Hogwarts Express to start the summer holiday. The taller boy had run strait to a darkly beautiful woman in fine robes. They didn't hug, but Sirius was grinning from ear to ear and the woman was smiling down at him indulgently.

"Guys, come here!" Sirius yelled to them. "This is my mum," he said proudly once they'd followed him to that end of the platform.

"Hello Mrs...."Remus faltered, not knowing what her last name was. "Lastrange," she supplied helpfully. "Sirius has told me about his friends, which one are you?"

"Remus Lupin, ma'am," he said quietly.

"There you are!" Remus turned to find his father standing behind him, frowning down at him. "Hurry up," was all he said, turning away from their little group and starting to walk away, expecting Remus to fallow him.

"Bye guys," Remus said quickly before grabbing his trunk and following after his father. He heard Sirius yell 

"Bye Moony," and then, even louder. "Nice to see you again Mr. Lupin!" And he had to smile.

"Bye Sirius," he said, casting the taller boy one last look as he pushed himself through the barrier. The trip home was silent and thankfully brief, but as they got to the front door his father stopped and turned to Remus.

"Don't give your brother a hard time this summer, and don't tease him for not going to Hogwarts," Tiberius said firmly.

"Yes, father," Remus said rather unconvincingly as they entered the house. His mother was sitting in the living room and gave him a grimacing sort of smile when she saw him. He gave her a weak smile and then headed down to his room.

He methodically emptied his trunk and put everything where it was supposed to be. It used to be that he was glad to be home, he didn't have to worry about hiding his curse or about being picked on. But now... He'd been home less than an hour and he already wanted to go back. He wanted to play pranks and study and just be back, because there he had friends. Real friends that didn't care that he was a werewolf, didn't care that he was quiet and reserved and was used to spending more time with books than with people.

He'd even be happy to put up with Sirius' weird antics and strange looks. Remus had been trying to figure out why the other boy seemed to have this need to touch him all the time. No one he'd met had wanted to touch him since he'd bee bitten. Even James and Peter, especially Peter, would get nervous if he sat too close to them sometimes. But with Sirius it seemed the closer the better. The other boy would put a hand on his shoulder or knee, brush against him in the halls. Sirius had even tried to hold his hand a couple of times, which Remus had just thought was weird. Sirius had said that he liked him but...but...Remus really couldn't get his mind around the idea. It was ridiculous! His own parents were disgusted with him and barley tolerated his presence in the same room. 

"So... you're back," Remus looked up, startled, to find Romulus standing in the doorway.

"Yeah, I am," he muttered, sitting down on his bed. "Anything wrong?"

"Why would anything be wrong, besides you being here that is." His brother sneered at him, giving him a threatening, teeth bearing smile that he'd learned from Remus years ago.

"Dad said to be nice to you, I was wondering why," Remus explained, not raising to his twin's bait.

"Don't strain yourself," Romulus spat at him. "I don't need to be cotled, especially by you." Remus just sat there staring at him. It had been a long time since he'd cared what his brother thought of him. But his twin almost looked scared 

"Romulus, what's wrong?" he asked, trying to sound concerned.

"It's nothing you have to worry about, even if you aren't human, at least you're a wizard," he spat out before turning and storming back upstairs. Remus frowned after him for a minute before pulling a book off of his bookshelf and starting to read. Hopefully he wouldn't read threw of his books before they when to Diagon Alley and he could get new ones. He stayed down in his room reading for the rest of the day and only came up for supper. Nobody talked during the meal; they never did, at least not when Remus was at the table. He finished quickly and retreated back to his room.

He didn't find out what was upsetting his brother until about two weeks later. He came upstairs to make himself breakfast to find Romulus already up and reading the Daily Prophet with an intensity Remus had rarely seen him devote to anything, let alone reading the Quidditch scores. Remus watched his twin out of the corner of his eye as he grabbed a box of cereal and a bowl form the cupboard. He nearly dropped both in shock when Romulus slammed the paper down on the kitchen table and ran from the room.

With curiosity and a little bit of fear, Remus went over and picked up the Prophet, scanning the headlines for something that would upset his brother so much. There was nothing...except...

~ More Disappearances Confound Magical Law Enforcement Officials! ~

~ Today, Noris Dansville was reported missing in Cambridge. Ms. Dansville, like many others who have gone missing in these recent months, was a squib. This rash of disappearances that have been plaguing the magical community are thought by many to be targeted at those of 'impure blood'. Either Muggle and half -blooded wizards or squibs. The Minister of Magic assures us at the Prophet that the Magical Law Enforcement Department has found nothing that links these disappearances to one another. However... ~

Was that what Romulus was so upset about? A couple of unrelated disappearances? Remus couldn't really see what the fuss was about, yes some people had gone missing, but they'd show up eventually. And if James' dad said there was nothing to worry about, he didn't see why the reporters were making such a big deal out of it. "I wonder how many people have gone missing?' he scanned the article until he found: ~ Ms. Dansville's disappearance brings the total of those missing up to twenty, we at the Prophet think...~ 'Twenty!?!' Okay,

maybe there was something to worry about. 

Remus ate his breakfast mechanically, still thinking about the newspaper article. There really wasn't anything he could do about it, but if it seemed to be bothering his brother he'd try and be nicer to him. He'd have to ask his parents if they would get him a subscription so he could read it while he was at school. Several more weeks passed and the Lupin household fell into the routine it usually did during the summers. The rest of the family went on as if he wasn't home, and Remus stayed in his room and read. Remus was very glad when he got an owl from Sirius, because it meant that he could write him back. He hadn't wanted to be the first to write, out of principle. He didn't want to encourage Sirius too much.

~ Dear Remus,

How are you? I'm having a great time. Mum's place is huge! All the ceilings are really high and the mirrors talk back to you when you look into them and it's all just really really awesome. I hope you're all right. Did the last full moon go okay? Well, as okay as it could? As great as this place is, it can be really boring too. I miss you and James and Peter, hell I even miss Snape! There's no one here to play jokes on, except the house-elves. (did I mention we have house-elves?) And they're not that much fun. I've actually taken to reading the books in Mr. Lastrange's huge library to keep from dying from boredom. There are a couple on werewolves, so I've been reading up.

And there are also some like the ones you got all those great spells from, so we'll have a bunch more ideas to work with in fourth year. I'll write you again soon, but right now I have to get ready for some dinner party mum and Mr. Lastrange are having. I won't know anybody, so I hope it's not too boring.

Yours truly,

Sirius

PS - I still like you a lot! ~

Remus frowned at the last line and then rolled his eyes. 'Sure you do Sirius," he thought in exasperation. A dinner party? Remus almost felt sorry for Sirius, he was sure to be bored within the first five minutes.

Remus sat down and grabbed a parchment and quill from his desk and began writing a reply.


	3. Chapter 12 - 13

"Please talk to me

Show some pity

You touch me in many ways

But I'm shy can't you see

Obsessed by you

Your looks but anyway

I would any day die for you"

~ Shy, Sonata Artica

Sirius stood on the hall balcony of Lastrange manor, staring down in horror at the people that had been invited to his mother's little dinner party. Or, more accurately, their children. Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape, Geoffrey Goyle and Samuel Crabbe stood in a corner, talking. Sirius pulled at the stiff neck of his new dress robe that all of a sudden seemed to be constricting his breathing.

It was bad enough meeting his mum's friends for the first time, but that they were the parents of the boys he and his friends tried to get expelled on a weekly basis only made him that much more nervous. His mother finally spotted him and gestured for him to come downstairs. He did so very reluctantly, and walked over to where his mother was talking to a really stuck up looking blond couple.

"And this is my son Sirius," Io said, putting her hands on his shoulders. "And Sirius, this is Claudius and Marcella Malfoy, I think you know their son, Lucius." Sirius nodded mutely, cleared his throat and finally managed to squeak out a "nice to meet you," around the lump of fear in his throat.

"Lucius!" Marcella Malfoy called as her son walked past. The Slytherin turned to look at her and stopped in his tracks when he spotted Sirius.

"What are you doing here?" Lucius asked incredulously.

"I live here," Sirius replied, trying to imitate his mother's expression of cool confidence and only making himself seem snotty.

"Lucius, this is Io's son, Sirius," Marcella said as her son came to join their little group.

"We've met, he's two years below me at Hogwarts," Lucius replied, his eyes mocking as he gave Sirius something that only barley passed as a polite smile.

His mother introduced him to a bunch of people all of them going by in a blur. The actual dinner went by in much the same manner, along with Sirius trying not to make a fool out of himself by using the wrong fork or spoon out of the nearly dozen that sat on either side of his plate. And then, to his horror, all the adults went into the drawing room and he was left alone with Snape, Malfoy and a handful of other Slytherins to keep him company.

'You can do this, you're a Gryffindor after all. Be brave,' he thought to himself. But as he watched, Severus and Lucius traded looks, and both broke out in Cheshire cat grins before they turned their attention on Sirius.

"Um, if you'll excuse me," he said quickly, rising from the chair he'd been cowering in and nearly running from the room. He found himself at the door to the drawing room and wondered if his mum would be mad is he tried to stay with her. He realized that he really didn't know her well enough to be able to predict her reaction, so he decided no to chance it. He was just about to go find another hiding place when he heard Mr. Lastrange mention his name.

"-well, yes, Sirius is a bit of a liability. But he's good friends with Harold Potter's son - good enough that Harold himself helped the boy find Io. That could be an advantage."

"And we asked Mr. Riddle before doing anything. He seemed to think it was a wonderful opportunity..." his mother put in. 

'Liability'? 'Opportunity'? And who the hell was 'Mr. Riddle'? Sirius frowned at the closed door. What on earth was going on in there? Sirius shook his head in confusion. It was probably one of those conversations that you didn't understand unless you were an 'adult'. James said his dad had them with people all the time. He whipped his head around when he heard footsteps father down the hall. If Snape of Malfoy found him eavesdropping on their parent's discussion, they wouldn't waist a second to get him into trouble. He took off down the hall again and ducked into the Library. He hide behind an overstuffed black leather chair near the back wall so that, even if someone came in and looked around, it would be hard for them to spot him.

He sat there for a long time, catching his breath and trying to relaxed the muscles that had been tensed all night. He leaned back against the bookcase, absently running his finders over the spines of the tightly packed books. 

His mum must have been in Slytherin when she was at Hogwarts; it was the only logical reason for her to have invited the people she had to this little get together. They were all old friends from school. He cringed slightly, 'wonder if she's mad that I was put in Gryffindor?' His thoughts were interrupted as he actually looked at the books he was running his hand across, one title jumping out at him. 'Ex Magus ad Bestia'? Where had he heard that before? He repeated the title in his head, hearing it said in a very prim and proper voice: Professor McGonagall! Now he remembered! She'd said something about it on their first lesson last year. But Sirius couldn't remember what it had been, he'd been too distracted by the fact that she'd just turned herself into a cat and back to pay attention to what she was saying.

He pulled the book from the shelf and open to the index.

Involuntary Transformation:

Leopard-men

Shang-Shi

Werewolves 'hmm...he'd have to read that chapter...'

Transfiguring Others:

Toad and newt curses 'Nope. Interesting, but he'd probably get expelled if he changed Snape into a frog permanently...'

Transfiguring Self:

Animagi

Temporary ad bestia transfigurations 'Now that sounded interesting...'

Sirius flipped to the back of the book and started reading and was soon oblivious to the rest of the world, to caught up in possibilities to pay attention to anything around him. An idea was nagging at the back of his mind and he soon flipped to the chapter on werewolves to see if it could work. 'yep...knew that already...really?... hmm...There!' ~Werewolves, though vicious to any man who crosses their path, will only very rarely attach animals. Therefore many wizards skilled in transfiguration have avoided attack by changing themselves into all manner of beasts. ~ A slow smile spread over Sirius' face. He'd always wanted to see what Remus looked like in his wolf form...

"There you are!" Sirius jumped a good foot into the air from where he sat on the floor. He looked up to find his mother standing over him, her hands on her hips. "Sirius where have you been, it's nearly dawn!" She said, frowning at him. 'Oh no, oh shit, I made her mad,' he thought frantically, cowering against the bookcase.

"I'm sorry, I'm really really sorry," he said frantically. "I just found this really interesting book...and I lost track of

time...and...and..." he stuttered in way of explanation. Io stared down at him in confusion for a few moments before understanding flickered in her dark eyes and the tall, proud woman sank down to her knees and put her hand on his shoulder. Sirius flinched.

"Sirius...Sirius calm down. It's okay," she said soothingly. "I'm not like him. I won't hurt you, I promise." Sirius looked up at her with wide frightened eyes, his body shaking slightly beneath her hand. "I was just worried about you. You weren't with everyone else when the party ended and I've been looking for you for ages," She explained.

Sirius relaxed slightly and gave her a sheepish smile.

"I'm sorry..." he muttered softly.

"It's alright. Why don't you go to bed, it very late," she suggested.

Sirius nodded and walked with her out into the hall. "And don't worry about being late for breakfast, you're allowed to sleep in." He smiled at her and quickly went to his room, 'Ex Magus ad Bestia' still clutched in his hand.

He was woken up the next morning by the scratching of claws against his window. He groaned and rolled over, hiding his head under his pillow, but the scratching continued. He finally gave in, standing up and looking out the window groggily. A pair of wide yellow eyes stared at him through the glass and he nearly had a heart attack before he realized he was looking at an owl. He opened the window and the owl hopped inside.

"Good morning," he said, his jaw nearly unhinging as he yawned. He took the role of parchment from the owled outstretched leg and scratched it on the head before sitting down on his bed and opening the letter.

~ Dear Sirius,

I'm fine. The last full moon wasn't that bad... ~

Sirius blinked at the letter for a few moments before it sunk in and his heart skipped a couple of beats. Remus had written him back!

~ But trust me, if you think your summer has been boring, be glad you didn't have to stay at my house. All I've done all summer is homework and rereading all of my books.

No you didn't tell me you had house-elves. How big is your mother's house? I thought house-elves only lived in mansions and castles. And how was that dinner party, by the way? Was it as boring as you had expected? Also, have you gotten your book for next year? If not, I'm going the Tuesday before we go back to school.

Sincerely,

Remus ~

Sirius was suddenly very thankful that he'd been putting off going to Diagon Alley until now. A chance to see Remus outside of school? He'd be there.

The next two weeks seemed to take forever. Sirius tried to keep himself busy by reading the book he'd found from cover to cover. It was very interesting, but he couldn't seem to sit still long enough to read any significant portion of it. He was too exited to see Remus again.

On the Tuesday before September 1st, Sirius was up and out of bed at an unprecdentedly decent hour. He was bathed and dressed and had already checked himself in the mirror at least a dozen times before it was even time for breakfast.

"Sirius what is wrong with you, you're acting like you're meeting a date, not one of your friends," his mother asked as they sat finishing their breakfast. Sirius stared at her wide-eyed for a moment before forcing a laugh.

"It's not a date, don't worry mum," Sirius said, trying to smile at her convincingly. 'He won't consider it a date anyway,' he though bitterly. Io rose an eyebrow, staring at her son with a calculating look on her face, but said nothing. 

By the time they'd made it to the Leaky Cauldron, Sirius was so full of nervous energy that he was constantly tapping his foot or drumming his fingers. And he was nearly climbing the walls by the time Remus actually showed up, almost falling out of the fireplace in the process. Sirius immediately pounced upon him, hugging him in greeting and smearing soot all over them both.

"Hi!" Sirius said brightly. Remus wiped the soot from his eyes, looked up at Sirius and promptly sneezed on him.

"Sorry," the smaller boy muttered, rubbing his rose. "Soot doesn't agree with me."

"It's okay," Sirius said. So much for a warm greeting. Sirius' mother frowned down at them haughtily before taking out her wand and casting a quick cleaning spell on the two of them, leaving them spotless.

"Thank you Mrs. Lastrange," Remus said politely. She made a dismissive gesture and turned to Sirius.

"Here," she said, pulling a silk bag out from the sleeve of her robe. "This should be enough for your school supplies as well as a few other things." Sirius took it and looked inside, nearly dropping the bag when he saw how many galleons were in it.

"But mum..." he sputtered, staring at her wide-eyed. Io frowned at him.

"I don't have the time today to stop at Gringotts and get any more Sirius, you'll just have to make due," she said sternly, completely misinterpreting Sirius' reaction.

"No, that wasn't...I mean," Sirius stopped and took a deep breath. "What did you mean by 'other things'?" he finally managed to ask.

"You need an owl, I don't want you having to use those school birds, make sure you get it from Eeylops and not the Magical Menagerie." She cautioned, ticking points off on her fingers. "And I thought you'd probably want to replace the broom you must have left at that Muggle's house when you left, so there should be enough for that as well. And please get yourself some new robes, I saw the state your old ones are in and I'll have no son of mine running around in such shabby clothes." Sirius could only mutter a 'yes, mum,' when she had finished her instructions. She nodded once, as if everything were in order. "Goodbye, I'll be here to pick you up at half-past-four." Io said before disaperating.

"Must be nice," Remus said once she had left.

"What's nice?" Sirius asked, still distracted by bag of money in his hand.

"Having rich parents," Sirius looked up at Remus, frowning in worry. He'd sounded almost as if he were mad, but why?

"It's weird. Last summer I had to deliver Muggle newspapers to earn money cause dad refused to pay for my school supplies," Sirius said absently, shoving the galleons into his pocket. "Come on, lets go!" he said brightly. 

He turned to see Remus looking at him funny, a sad and confused expression on his face. "What?' he asked him.

"I...never mind," he said quickly. "Um...why didn't they have owls deliver the papers?" Sirius blinked at him and them burst out laughing.

"You really need to take Muggle Studies," he said between snickers before grabbing Remus' hand and dragging them both towards the back of the Leaky Cauldron. "I say, the first thing we do is get ice cream, my treat." Sirius said, grinning as they stopped in front of the back wall of the courtyard. He stared at it for several seconds before turning to Remus his face slightly flushed with embarrassment.

"Do you remember how to get in?" he asked hopefully. Now it was Remus' turn to laugh at him.

"Three up and two across," Remus said as he pulled out his wand and tapped the brick in the right spot. It never failed to amaze Sirius as the bricks seemed to roll back and the entrance to Diagon Alley appeared.

"After you," Sirius said, bowing to Remus with a flourish.

"You're very strange, has anyone every told you that?" Remus asked as he walked past.

"Only my friends," Sirius replied, jogging to catch up with Remus. The smaller boy protested when he realized they Sirius had been, well, serious about buying him ice cream, but had eventually relented.

"Can we go to the Apothecary first?" Remus asked as they sat finishing their ice cream cones. "I want to get it over with." Sirius agreed and they just entered the shop when Remus let out an exclamation.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asked as Remus was searching his pockets frantically. He sighed in relief when he finally produced a little gold key.

"I forgot. I have to go to Gringotts and get money," Remus explained.

"I'll go with you!" Sirius offered but Remus shook his head.

"No, you go ahead, I just be a minute." Remus said before running off. Sirius frowned but when into the Apothecary alone.

He looked around, not really paying attention, when one bin caught his attention. It was full of what looked like blocks of solidified honey and the sign on them read: Asafetida. Where had he heard that before? It had been in that book he'd been reading. And if he remembered correctly...Sirius smiled and grabbed what he hoped was 20 grams of the stuff. Even if he found out that he couldn't go through with his plan, he'd find something to do with it.

He had just paid for his purchase when a voice behind him yelled and startled him.

"Sirius, what are you doing here?" Sirius whipped around to find James smiling at him. He smiled back and hid his package behind his back. He'd tell James about his idea when he knew it would work. But then his face fell when he realized that his 'day alone with Remus' would come to an abrupt end if the other boy knew that James was in Diagon Alley too.

"Oh no...James, go away," Sirius said frowning at him. James stared at him, hurt.

"Why?" the other boy asked angrily and Sirius winced.

"Sorry, it just..." he began, but was cut off as Remus came into the Apothecary.

"James! Hi!" the bespectacled boy took one look between the two of them and Sirius could practically see the light bulb turn on in his friend's head.

"Hi Remus," he said brightly before smiling apologetically to Sirius. "You two planned a trip and didn't invite me?" he asked, pouting comically.

"Oh, I'm sorry James. I didn't even think to invite you," Remus said looking upset and worried.

"It's okay Moony, it was great to see you guys, I guess I should got and get my stuff and leave you to alone," James said, trying in vain to make a strategic retreat so that they could be alone.

"No, no, please stay," Remus said. Sirius closed his eyes and sighed. 'Damn'.

Even with the addition of a third party they had a great time and James was a lot more help than Remus could ever hope to be when they went to get Sirius a broom.

"Now maybe you'll be able to be on the Quidditch team instead of being our good luck charm." James said as they walked out of Quality Quidditch Supplies. Remus looked at them in confusion.

"He's come to every game and every practice since the beginning of second year. And as you know, we won the Cup both years," James explained. "I think he did it cause Katherine and Cassandra kept cooing over him." 

He said in a mock whisper. Sirius glared at him and stuck out his tongue.

He loved James like a brother, he really did, but Sirius had a tendency to do stupid stuff when he was around, and he'd been trying to show Remus that wasn't a complete idiot. And besides, the Keeper and Chaser hadn't paid that much attention to him. Remus just smiled and shook his head.

The day went by in a blur, the three of them looked at everything, even managing to goad each other into taking a peak down Knocktern Alley, but they didn't go in. Books were bought, robes were fitted and, all told, the three of them had a wonderful time. But by half-past-four, they were all so tired they could hardly drag themselves to the Leaky Cauldron.

James disappeared with his mother, he had managed a hasty good bye as she yelled at him. Apparently he had said he'd meet her two hours earlier and had completely forgotten.

Remus walked over to the fireplace and was just about to through in the floo powder when Sirius put a hand on his shoulder and turned him around.

"I'm glad you invited me," he said simply, looking down into Remus' gold eyes. 'It wasn't a date you git! Stop acting like it was!' he yelled at himself mentally.

"I'm glad you could make it," Remus replied. "And I'll see you on the Express." He was about to turn back to the fire when Sirius leaned in and gave him an impulsive kiss on the forehead. They blinked at each other before Sirius stuttered out an apology.

Remus just stared at him for a moment before quickly kissing Sirius on the cheek. Sirius could only gawked at him as he turned, threw floo powder into the fire and, with one last look at Sirius, shouted 'Lupin Cottage' and was gone.

When he finally turned away from staring into the green flames in amazement, he nearly jumped out of his skin. His mother was standing behind him, her arms crossed, and was looking down at him with a cold calculating gleam in her eyes.

"I thought you said it wasn't a date," she said simply. Sirius blushed scarlet and started to sputter but Io cut him off.

"I guess it's better this way. At least I'll never have to worry about dealing with grandchildren. But if you ever do anything like that in public again I will punish you, is that clear?" she asked.

Sirius nodded quickly. "Good."

+++

"This wasn't supposed to happen

I was happy by myself

Accidentally you seduced me

...

This wasn't supposed to happen

I've been hit with your charms

How could you do this to me?"

~ This Wasn't Supposed To Happen, Bjork

'Argh! Why did I do that?!' Remus thought fiercely to himself as he stepped out of the fireplace and back into his own house. He probably would have continued berating himself but his thoughts were interrupted by a violent sneezing fit. He really did hate soot, and he was beginning to think he might be allergic to it. 'A werewolf with allergies, wonderful,' he thought sarcastically. Again his thoughts were interrupted, but this time by a peal of mocking laughter. He didn't even have to look to know who it was.

"Hello Romulus," he muttered through clenched teeth.

"Did you have a good time?" his twin asked him, but the tone was mocking, making it clear that Romulus hoped the opposite was true.

"Yes actually," Remus relied. 'Even if I did do something really stupid,' he added mentally. "Now if you'll excuse me," he said, picking up his purchases and heading down to his room.

He dumped his school things in an untidy pile and quickly changed out of his soot-covered cloths before collapsing on his bed and covering his face with his hands. 'Why, why, why, why...?' he thought over and over again. It had been an impulse, he hadn't really thought about it. When Sirius had leaned down and given him that oh-so-chaste kiss on the forehead, he'd felt bereft. He'd expected more and, too his own dismay, had wanted more. So he'd leaned back in and given Sirius a kiss of his own.

'I thought we were trying not to encourage him?' he thought to himself and them froze. 'I,' he stressed. "I though I was trying not to encourage him,' and something thrashed and growled in the back of his mind as he pushed it back into the dark corner it usually inhabited.

Why did Sirius have to do this to him! Remus' life would have been a lot less complicated if Sirius had just left him alone. 'And you'd still be very much alone...and lonely...' a part of him pointed out. He rolled over and shoved his face into the mattress, trying to shut out the world. Hadn't the fates punished him enough? Wasn't it bad enough he was a werewolf, and his parents feared him, and his twin brother hated him, and that most people would want him dead if they knew what he was? But no...no... now the bully that had been the scourge of his life at Hogwarts, the one who used to make him cry into his pillow almost nightly that first year, now had a crush on him. And was beginning to seep into his thought even when Sirius wasn't actually there, and sometimes even into his dreams.

And Sirius wasn't really a bully, not anymore. But...memories began circling in his head. All the touches and whispers and looks that had only been for him. And that kiss, almost a year ago now. He still remembered how he tasted, how he smelled, how it felt to have Sirius hold him close. Sometimes Remus thought that it was all some elaborate joke, that Sirius was still the jerk he remembered, and he was just messing with Remus' head. 'You actually thought I liked you? I'm not a fucking queer. I'm not a freak like you.' He could almost hear the words falling from Sirius' lips. Could almost see the sneer on his face, with James and Peter standing in the background laughing at him. But things were different now. It couldn't all be and act. Remus rolled onto his side, and curled up into a ball. He really didn't want to think about that, it just made him depressed. He closed his eyes and forced himself to replay their goodbye in the Leaky Cauldron. The look on Sirius' face as he leaned down to kiss him. How scarred and hurt he'd been when Remus had done nothing but stare at him at first. And how utterly happy the other boy had looked when Remus had kissed him back. He licked his lips, trying to catch any trace of other boy that might still be on his lips. 'Mmm...we liked that a lot...' Remus sat bolt upright as the thought registered. What was wrong with him today? It was a week and a half before the next full moon. Why was he thinking like that? A knot formed in his stomach as an idea wormed its way into him mind.

Remus had never read the chapters, in any of the over a dozen books on lycanthropy he own, about werewolf sexual behavior. Just thinking about it made him blush. He assumed that, since werewolves weren't human, they wouldn't be attracted to humans. That they shouldn't be attracted to humans. But he'd never actually read about it, just speculated. But it was pretty clear that he was attracted to humans, even if he shouldn't be. So he obviously didn't really know what was going on.

He went over to his overloaded bookshelf and searched until he found one of the relatively decent lycanthropy books. Meaning one that didn't say they should be killed on sight ever few pages. He sat back down on his bed and flipped the book open to the right chapter. And, with cheeks already turning pink, started to read. His embarrassed blush soon disappeared, along with the rest of the color in his face, as he continued reading. And by the time he had read the entire chapter his face was chalk white and he was shaking so badly he could barley hold the book anymore. He got up and put the book back on its shelf and picked up another, going back to his bed and reading the appropriate chapter before repeating the process again. And again. He methodically went through every one of his books on lycanthropy and it was well past midnight before he was finished. He'd been hoping that that first book had been wrong. But the same information had been in every successive book.

~ There are many legends that the werewolf mates for life, but there has never been any conclusive data collected on the validity of this supposition. This idea probably stems from the fact that normal wolves do tend to keep the same mate, however ... ... And there are many reasons for a human never to engage in sexual relations with anyone suffering from lycanthropy. Not the least of which is the risk of receiving a bite from the werewolf, which is still infectious even in their human form. But most especially because it has been documented that often, if not always, the copulation results in madness, or even death, on the part of both the werewolf and the human...~ 

Remus stared at the cover of the last book he'd read for a long time. Finally he held it above his head and threw it at the wall, watching blankly as it broke down the spine to send pages scattering around his room. He laid down on his back and stared at the ceiling as it started to sink in. 'No one. Ever...' 'never...' He curled up on himself and started to cry.


	4. Chapter 14 - 15

"Enchanted by the power

Licked by the grace

One beautiful black flower

The end of human race

...

Interested in what I see

Try that Rorcharch test on me

Have you seen the beauty of

The enchanting beast?"

~ Wolf & Raven, Sonata Artica

Sirius was nearly giddy by September 1st. It was the start of another school year. Another year with his friends, and another year with Remus.

Io had seen him to King's Cross, and then left him to his own devices from there. Which he didn't mind, it was much better than riding the bus all the way there with that heavy trunk. He quickly made his way to Platform 9 and 3/4 and started looking around for his friends.

Neither James, Peter or Remus were in sight, but he did see someone else he recognized.

"Hello Mr. Lupin!" Sirius said brightly as he approached him. Tiberius Lupin jumped and turned to look at Sirius with a wild and rather fearful expression until he actually registered who was speaking to him.

"Oh...hello Sarz," Tiberius said casting a nervous glance towards the Hogwarts Express.

"Sirius," he corrected absently. "Is Remus already on the train?" he asked politely. Tiberius nodded once before he seemed to shake himself out of his stupor and turned to leave. 

"Bye!" Sirius called after him before making a b-line for the part of the train Remus' father had been staring at.

It wasn't that difficult to find Remus, he was curled up on the window seat of the last compartment, staring out the window blankly.

"Hi Remus, how are you?" Sirius said, smiling at him. The other boy didn't even acknowledge his presence. 

"Remus?" he tried again going to stand in front of the other boy.

"Leave me alone Sirius," Remus said softly, still not looking at him.

Sirius reached out and put a hand on the other boy's shoulder.

"What's wrong Remus?" he asked, suddenly very worried about him. But without taking his eyes from the window Remus reached up and pushed Sirius' hand off.

"Don't touch me," he said in that same soft flat voice. 'Oh no, what did I do?' Sirius thought desperately.

"R-Remus, what ever it is...I'm sorry...I-I..." he stuttered out. He'd thought, after their trip to Diagon Alley, that maybe... But then why was Remus suddenly acting like this?

"Go away, Sirius," Remus said, slightly louder.

"No! At least tell what I did to piss you off!" Sirius pleaded loudly before grabbing Remus by the shoulders and forcing the smaller boy to look at him. Remus immediately pushed him away, sending him crashing into the seats across the compartment.

"Go away! Get away from me and leave me alone! I don't want to talk to you, I don't want to look at you, I don't want to have to think about you ever again!" Remus said, his voice starting out quiet but building in volume until he was screaming.

Sirius stared at him for a long moment. And he swore he could feel it as his heart gave a sickening twist and shattered into a million pieces. Hurt and pain swirled inside of him and started to boil down into anger, and before he realized what he was doing he'd pulled back his fist and punched Remus across the face. Both boys stared at each other in shock.

"R-remus...oh god, I-I didn't..." he tried to explain, to apologies but fell silent at the look in Remus' bright gold eyes. Bright, flat, and cold.

"Get. Out." Sirius ran.

James and Peter had eventually found him, curled up, much like Remus had been, in a compartment near the front of the train. They tried to get him to tell them what was wrong, but he just shook his head and said nothing. Most of the trip was spent in silence, broken only when James of Peter whispered to each other, trying to figure out what was wrong. James finally got the courage to talk to him at around sunset.

"Where's Remus?" he asked cautiously. Sirius cringed and curled up tighter.

"I don't know...he doesn't want to talk to me..." he croaked out. He saw Peter open his mouth to say something, but James prudently clapped a hand over the other boy's mouth.

"Did...did anything happen after I left?" James asked quietly. Sirius looked at him and smiled mirthlessly.

"Yeah...he kissed me," he said before turning back to looking out the window. "And now he wants nothing to do with me...he didn't even tell me what I did wrong..."

They spent the rest of the trip in silence, and the carriage ride from the train, and the welcoming feast... by the time they made it to the common room the silence was so thick around them, and Sirius especially, that they started attracting stairs from the other Gryffindor.

Sirius sat down in one of the chairs close to the fire and told James and Peter to go on up to bed.

"You're going to sleep down here, aren't you." James said and Sirius just nodded.

"Do you really think I'd be able to sleep up there?" he asked dully.

"You're right. Come on Peter," James said, heading up to their dorm.

Peter protested meekly, but still followed the bespectacled boy up the stairs. But he didn't sleep. Sirius spent the whole night staring off into space, thinking. Wondering how he could get Remus to forgive him, both for whatever had made him so mad in the first place and for hitting him. 

His mind drifted back to the plan he had thought up over the summer. Of seeing if there was a way for Sirius to be with him during the full moon, so that Remus wouldn't have to face that alone anymore. The next full moon was the upcoming Saturday. Sirius had started looking up the lunar charts early last year and was pretty sure that by now he knew when the moon would be full for the next five years. Maybe whatever had made Remus pull away had been a werewolf thing. The smaller boy did tend to take that rather seriously. So maybe...if he showed Remus that his lycanthropy wasn't a problem...he'd forgive him.

Sirius spent the week immersed in the book he brought with him, the 'Ex Magus ad Bestia'. The animagus process would take too much time, and he needed to know that Remus' wolf form wouldn't attack him in animal form before he tried something that permanent. He briefly considered becoming a werewolf himself, but concluded that Remus would not be pleased if he did that. He finally decided on the 'commuto cornix' spell, which would turn him into a raven for twenty-four hours.

So the night before the full moon Sirius went up to the top of Gryffindor tower and started casting the spell. The words of the spell weren't that complex, but the power that had to be put behind the spell and the focus that was needed to achieve the desired results were near impossible, in Sirius' opinion. He cast it over and over again, getting more and more frustrated until finally he grabbed his wand in both hands, pointed it at his chest and yelled the spell at the top of his lung.

It worked. His body immediately started to ripple and shift beneath his skin. It wasn't painful, but it was truly terrifying. As he watched, his arms drew in and his fingers fused together, and large black feathers started to sprout from beneath his skin. His body started changing shape and he doubled over, trying to cry out in fear, but all that came out was the screaming wail of an angry raven. As soon as it had began, it stopped. And Sirius blinked down at a pair of scaly and clawed black feet, with eyes that no longer had completely binocular vision. He shook himself, causing his wing and tail feathers to rustle before letting out an experimental caw. The noise startled him so badly that he took two large hopping steps back and shook himself again. 'This,' he thought philosophically, 'is weird.'

He looked up to see where the moon was in the sky. He had twenty-four hours until the spell wore off so he'd have to leave before the moon was at the same height tomorrow night. He got another shock when he realized that it was dawn. He tried to smile and found that he no longer had to muscles or lips to do so. He'd be able to spend the entire night with Remus, if his theory worked.

He spent about half of the day trying to take a nap so that he wouldn't be so tired buy nightfall. But, having never seen ravens sleep, he had no idea how he was supposed to do that comfortably. And ended up try all manner of strange contortions before finding that it was most comfortable on his back with his feet sticking up in the air and his wings spread out. He new real ravens couldn't possibly sleep like that, but by that point he was too tired to care.

He woke up some time in the late afternoon. At first he nearly had a panic attack until he remembered what he'd done to himself. And after a couple of failed attempts he managed to get back up onto his feet. He stayed up on the top of Gryffindor tower until dusk, when he was Madam Pomfrey leading Remus out onto the grounds. 'She's not just going to let him run loose in the Forbidden Forest, is she?' he thought. And then realized something that he hadn't figured into his original plan. He was on top of a tower, and Remus was all the way down on the ground. 'Sirius, you're a bird, birds can fly,' he pointed out. But it still didn't stop him from being rather terrified as he looked down at the ground that suddenly looked very far away. 'How do birds learn to fly again?' he thought silently, racking his brain. 'Oh, yeah, they fall out of trees and hope they don't break their neck.' He looked down at the ground. There really wasn't anything else for him to do, he couldn't open the door to go back down through the castle, so either he staid here all night and all his effort was wasted, of he taught himself how to fly on the way down to the ground. He inched closer to the edge of the parapet and, without looking down, jumped. He immediately started falling like a rock until he remembered to stick his wings out and flap. And after a few false starts managed to get enough of the feel for it that he only hit the ground with a soft 'thump' instead of breaking every bone in his body. 'let's not ever try that again,' he thought, trying to calm himself down.

He managed to fallow Madam Pomfrey and Remus to where they stopped at the Whomping Willow in time to hear he say, "Cheer up dear, you'll be fine in the Shrieking Shack. It'll be just like every other year," She said comfortingly. Remus just nodded, and disappeared behind the abnormally still tree.

'The shack? That's were he goes?' It made sense in a way. And since Sirius was pretty sure he couldn't get there the same way as Remus. He started to half fly half hop towards Hogsmeade as fast as he could. He got to the shack just as the sun was setting and frantically searched for a place for him to get in. Finally spotting a break in the boards covering one window, that should be big enough to let him through. After many failed attempts, he managed to fly the short distance up to the window and slip inside to land on the window ledge. What Sirius saw made him hold his breath. He stared in amazement as the light of the full moon fell onto the room from the cracks in the windows and played upon Remus' body. He was beautiful. Even as his body started to change, fur, teeth and claws sprouting as Remus arched his back and screamed. Even as his feet lengthened and thighs shortened, his chest becoming deeper and his shoulder blades moving under the skin to form hackles. And even, finally, as his jaw and mouth, already pulled back into a fierce snarl, lengthen into the mussel of the wolf. Sirius stared in amazement and awe as the change ran its course. How could anyone call something so beautiful a monster? The tawny wolf got up on shaky legs and shook itself, sniffing at the air and looking around its environment. 'Now or never,' Sirius prompted slightly. Jumping down from the windowsill and fluttering haphazardly to the ground.

The noise immediately caught the wolf's attention and it walked towards him, snarling slightly. 'please let this work, please let this work...' Sirius thought as the-wolf-that-was-Remus came closer. Hot breath ruffled his feathers and the wolf sniffed at him it even went as far as to press its wet nose under one of Sirius' wings, causing Sirius to puff up and shake his wings out. 'that tickles, damn it!'

The wolf jumped back and flattened its ears at the motion, whining softly. 'oh, sorry moony,' Sirius thought at him. Wait...'It worked! He's not attaching me!' Sirius crowed in triumph, which only cause the wolf to crouch down farther and blink at him. He immediately calmed down when he saw this. 'You're scaring him you git! Quiet down!' he berated himself.

With slow tentative steps he approached the wolf again. It met him halfway and sniffed at him again. It seemed to conclude that it wasn't a threat, because it leaned in and licked the side of his head. 'oh, yuck, werewolf slobber,' Sirius groused silently. But he was happy. His idea had worked, and now he knew that there was a way to be with Remus during the full moon, he wouldn't have to be alone anymore. They spent most of the night just looking at each other. At one point the wolf decided it wanted to play and chased Sirius around the room a couple of times before getting tired of the game and settling down to take a nap.

But Sirius didn't sleep. He took the time to just look at him. Remus was beautiful, no matter what form he was in. 'I don't think I could stand you hating me. I just wish I knew what I'd done wrong, so I could make it right,' he thought to the sleeping wolf.

The wolf didn't wake up until nearly dawn. It got up and stretched, its back arching and its jaws wide in a yawn that exposed it's sharp white teeth. Sirius cast a glance to the window and saw the first beginnings of light on the horizon. 'He should be changing back soon,' he thought to himself. Put froze as a rippling spasm when through his own body.

'Oh, shit!' Sirius thought as he felt his body start to change back to his original form. He tried to fly up to the window he'd come in through, but couldn't get high enough on wings that were already shifting back to arms. He fell to the floor with a thump and his body quickly reverted as he lay there watching the wolf-that-was-Remus with worried eyes. And it watched him too. Its head was cocked and it sniffed at the air, looking puzzled by the new scent of human in the room. But suddenly its whole body snapped to attention and it started towards him, snarling.

" Remus, come on it's me, Sirius," but the werewolf didn't hear him.

It continued to approach him, its hackles raising at it got closer. "Remus...please," Sirius whispered. But the wolf didn't respond to his pleas. Instead it crouched down, it's muscles tensing before pouncing onto Sirius and knocking him backwards.

The wolf stood over him, its claws scraping against his shoulders as it pinned him to the floor. It looked down at him and sniffed again, breathing hot breath onto his face and neck as it sniffed from his ear down his throat to his shoulder. Suddenly it licked at the skin just above the collar of his shirt and then started to growl. The wolf lifted its head back up and snarled, exposing sharp white teeth. And Sirius suddenly knew that it was preparing to bite him, to curse him.

It was very lucking for Sirius that the sun took that moment to start to rise and signaled the shift from night into day.

And the shift of wolf back into boy.

+++++++++

I tried to forget the drowning truth

Lashing inside my sea of youth

Life seemed a fair sacrifice for peace

I can't remember why

I chose to say goodbye

I'm terrified of what

I might have severed

~ Wisdom, Delirium

The wolf sniffed at the thing it had caught. He knew it should be familiar. It smelled familiar and yet its scent drove the wolf mad. It made him want to claw and tear, but he couldn't. Not to this one, this one was special. But not for any reason the wolf could remember. He wanted it to go back to being the bird. The bird had been fun. It had played with him. No one ever played with him, he was always alone in this place.

Maybe he should bite it, then it could be with him, then it could howl with him. He wouldn't have to be alone anymore. 

'No!' the wolf growled as a part of his mind woke up from its moon induced slumber. 'leave Sirius alone!'

Sirius...the wolf knew of Sirius, remembered Sirius...he was sweet and salty and held him in warm arms. But the wolf couldn't have him...why...?

It was because of the scent, that strange odder that made his hackles rise. If he bit, the scent would go away. And then he could have him...

The wolf raised its head and bared its teeth, ready to bite, just as the weakest rays of almost light made their way into the Shrieking Shack.

He threw back his head and howled. A howl that distorted and rippled with his body as the Change loosened its hold on his body. Tendons snapped and reattached, bones writhed like snakes pushing and pulling his body in every direction. His skin crawled, feeling as if it were being ripped from his flesh and his teeth and nails as they retracted like knives sliding into his body to become blunt and harmless again. Muscles strained from the Change and keeping himself up finally gave out and Remus fell to the floor with a whimper. But the floor didn't feel nearly as hard and cold as it usually did. Remus shook his head, trying to clear it. It was like waking form a dream, but unlike sleep he was even more exhausted when he woke than when he'd gone under. It was too early for him to have to think, but there was something he had to remember, something had been wrong. 

"You okay?" Remus would have jumped halfway to the ceiling in fright if he'd had the energy. All he could manage was a frightened yelp and to shakily push himself back up on his arms. He blinked I confusion for what was probably a whole minute before he realized he wasn't hallucinating and that Sirius really was there.

"no...not okay...Sirius what are you doing here?" he ground out through his raw throat.

"I...I guess I wanted to keep you company," the other boy said, smiling at him weakly. Remus frowned and shook his head.

"...could have killed you," Remus protested and whimpered as he felt his arms start to shake again with strain. He lowered himself back down, still not fully registering that Sirius was between him and the floor.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asked him softly. Remus closed his eyes and sighed as Sirius threaded his fingers threw Remus' hair, his other hand running over his back and his arm wrapped around Remus' waist.

"...tired," he murmured, shifting slightly to get more comfortable.

Sirius didn't say anything, just held him, and Remus gratefully fell asleep in his arms. He woke with a start several hours later feeling unusually warm and comfortable for having fallen asleep in the Shrieking Shack. Remus moved a hand, in preparation to scrub it across his eyes, but was met with warm skin under his palm that was not his own. He pulled back in fright and sat up, staring at the very groggy boy who had been asleep

beneath him.

"What...?!" he squeaked out. He couldn't manage a complete question, he was too upset and bewildered. Sirius looked up at him and yawned.

"Morning," he said, smiling slightly. Remus could feel his lips pull back from his teeth as he started to growl.

"What do you mean 'morning'?! What are you doing here?!" He yelled at Sirius. 'why is he here? what happened? Why isn't he dead?' Remus thought frantically. He stared hard at Sirius, trying to rack his brain for what little it remembered of last night.

But all Sirius did was start back at him. His eyes drifted down Remus' body, Sirius' face turning bright red before locking gazes with Remus again. In that moment Remus suddenly realized that not only was he completely starkers, but he was sitting on Sirius' lap to boot. He turned crimson and made a mad dash for the shelf he kept his pajamas on during his Change. He dressed in a blur before turning back to Sirius and growling. 'Why can't he just leave me alone?!' It hurt to look at him, hurt to think about him. Because every time Remus did, he remembered that Sirius liked him, that he was attracted to him, and that there wasn't a way he could return those feelings that didn't endanger them both.

Remus tried to remember what had happened during the night. But it was all jumbled. He remembered the sight of Sirius beneath his paws as he'd prepared to bite him, to change him. He cast a glance at the other boy who was now sitting on the floor and smiling up at him sheepishly.

"What were you thinking?" Remus asked in a deceptively soft voice, turning to glare at him.

"Testing a theory," the way Sirius said it, so sure of himself, like there wasn't anything wrong with nearly getting yourself killed or turned into a monster, just made Remus more angry with him. 

"What? You wanted to see for yourself that werewolves really did crave human flesh?" he asked bitterly.

"No. I wanted to see if werewolves really didn't attack other animals," Sirius said quietly, finally realizing that Remus was royally pissed at him. "Or wizards that had changed themselves into animals."

"Wha-?" Remus started to ask, but then a half-formed memory tugged at him. A bird, there had been a bird there last night. It had smelled familiar but hadn't held the scent, the smell of human, that usually drove him mad. Remus stared at Sirius in astonishment.

"That was you?" he asked, Sirius nodded. "but...but why?" Why would Sirius put himself in that much danger?

"You just always seem so alone. I thought...maybe if I showed you I could be with you...then maybe..." Sirius stood and walked towards him looking beseechingly into Remus' eyes. Begging him to understand. But he understood all too well. 

"Sirius..." he tried to think of a protest; something that would make Sirius stay away from him, where he was safe. But the way the other boy was looking at him as he drew nearer made his breath catch in his throat and his body tremble.

"I thought, after what happened in Diagon Alley, that you might...but then you wouldn't even speak to me..." Sirius brought a hand up to cup his cheek. Remus leaned into the touch without thinking. So few people touched him, and no one else as gently and sweetly as Sirius did. He closed his eyes, reviling in the feel of cool fingers against the skin of his cheek and jaw. And when he felt a sweet brush of lips against his own he leaned into the gentle caress.

~ ...madness, of even death... ~ the words bubbled up from the back of his mind, taunting him. Remus gasped and pushed Sirius away, backing up so quickly he stumbled. Sirius looked shocked and hurt before his face settled into a scowl.

"Damn it Remus! Would you make up your mind!" Sirius yelled. "One minute you're acting like you like me, the next you're acting like I'm contagious or something." Remus could tell Sirius regretted the words as soon as they had left him mouth. He tried to say something else but Remus held up a hand to stop him.

"You may not be Sirius. But I am..." Remus said in a strained voice. And without another word he grabbed Sirius' wrist and dragged him all the way back to Gryffindor tower. It was still too early in the morning for anyone in the tower to be awake. But when Remus shoved open the door to their room, causing it to bang against the wall, both James and Peter were soon blinking groggily out from behind their red curtains.

"Sirius, where have you been?" James asked sleepily. But Remus turned and glared at him and he fell silent. He pushed Sirius to fall backwards onto his unused bed and after a moment's rummaging in his trunk Remus found what he was looking for. He shoved the book at Sirius and then stepped back and crossed his arms.

He saw James and Peter staring at them for a couple of seconds before James dragged himself out of bed, grabbed Peter on his way, and left to try and sleep in the common room.

"Read chapter 17." Remus said Sirius just frowned at him, not understanding at all.

"Remus what does this have to do with..." Remus growled and grabbed the book back from him. He didn't want to have to explain, to have to say out loud the words that he'd already memorized. He knew the passage by heart but he wouldn't say it aloud, it would make it too real. Too hopeless.

He found the passage and held it out to Sirius, pointing to where he should read. He found a perverse sort of reassurance when the other boy reacted the same way he had. Sirius' face went bright red when he first realized what it was he was reading, then pail white as the words sank in. Remus saw him mouth the word 'death' before Sirius looked up at him with wide pained eyes.

"You see Sirius," Remus said pleadingly. 'Please understand...' "Please... just leave me alone...for your own good." He looked down at him sadly, and gave a small gasp of fright when Sirius jumped up and enveloped him in a hug.

"Sirius," he hissed. What was he doing, this would only make things worse.

"We don't...I mean, that's not the only thing," Sirius stuttered out, his face turning red. But Remus cut him off before he could get to far in his ramblings.

"No Sirius. I couldn't take that. Pretending to be normal and knowing that I'm not? I can't do that, I'm sorry. I just can't..." Sirius silenced him with a kiss. An amazing, will shattering, soul searing kiss. 'damn it Sirius.' Remus thought weakly. Why couldn't the other boy just listen to him for once? But he couldn't pull away. Even though it hurt to know that this is all he'd be able to have, it still felt good to make him want to pull away. When Sirius finally ended the kiss Remus whimpered slightly at the loss of that warmth. He felt Sirius rest his their foreheads together and his breath rushed over Remus' lips as he sighed sadly.

"Just friends...?" it was a quiet half question half statement. And Remus had to swallow the lump in his throat as he pulled away from Sirius and nodded.

"Yeah," he said quietly. Sirius stared at him for a long moment before replying.

"Alright," it wasn't, but there really wasn't anything either of them could do to change that.


	5. Chapter 16

"Narrow is the road

And to high a price to pay

Loneliness is such a sanctuary

Empty are the musing

And wasted are the tears

Ever since you said

You were only waiting"

~ Famous Last Words, Jars of Clay

"Just friends," Sirius muttered bitterly as he stalked down the hall to potions. Those two words had become almost an oath to him, a bitter, resentful, why-is-the-world-doing-this-to-me sort of oath. He thought it whenever Remus smiled at him. Whispered it to himself when he was alone and his thoughts started to stray towards haunted gold eyes and soft sweet lips. Repeated it like a mantra in the back of his mind whenever they were together. Or like today, growled it out to remind himself that when he went into the Potions classroom he

couldn't do anything but give Remus a normal, friendly, platonic smile.

'I hate this!' he thought to himself as he entered the classroom. He could feel Remus' eyes on him the moment he entered the room. He couldn't not meet that beautiful, sad gold gazes. And the small not-quite-smile that quirked those sweet lips as he sat down next to Remus, made his heart clench painfully in his chest. Sirius was just about to open his mouth and try to say something, anything, when the door to the potions classroom banged open and two loud voices started echoing around the room.

"This is all your fault Snape!"

"How is it my fault, Potter? It's not like I bloody wanted this to happen!"

"Well maybe if you hadn't tried to make me look like such a sodding idiot I would have asked her out!"

"And why would I want you to be going out with her?"

"At least then she wouldn't be going out with a sixth year!"

Sirius traded a look with Remus. "Lily," they both said before rising from their seats in preparation to help James if he needed it. But the backup was unnecessary as James stalked away from Snape once they'd walked a few paces in the classroom and slouched down in the seat behind Sirius.

"You okay?" Sirius asked his best friend. James shook his head from where it lay buried in his folded arms on his desk, but didn't say anything. As Sirius turned back to the front of the room his hand accidentally brushed Remus', causing both of them to look at each other, startled.

"Sorry," Sirius mumbled, unable to look away from Remus.

"It's okay," the other boy said, his eyes still locked with Sirius', both of them unable to look away. Sirius couldn't help but stare. The more he thought about it the more he realized that Remus fascinated him, and would always fascinate him. And in that moment he vowed that, even if they couldn't be together, he would learn everything there was to know about Remus Lupin. Neither of them were able to look away from each other. They didn't even notice until the professor took ten points from Gryffindor for their inattention. They didn't dare look at each other through the entire class and it was starting to really grate on Sirius' nerves. He'd tried to convince himself that this awkwardness would pass and they would settle into the same sort of comfortable friendship that Sirius had with James and Peter.

But that wasn't happening. It was a month into the term and if anything his relationship with Remus was getting more strained and brittle by the day. And it probably didn't help that every time Remus looked at him with that sad smile that he'd been giving him ever since they decided to be 'just friends'. All he wanted to do was hold him close and kiss away all the shadows and fears that lurked behind those honey-colored eyes.

The class went by both too quickly and too slowly. Recently, being near Remus put him on edge even though he couldn't stand to be away from the other boy either. He was grateful when the class ended and James had grabbed his sleeve and hauled him out of the classroom. 

"I'm assuming this is about Lily?" Sirius asked as James pulled him into an unused classroom. "Cause if it's not. Sorry mate but you're not my type." James didn't even react to the taunt as he started to pace around the room. 

"I hate girls," James said suddenly stopping in mid pace to push his glasses back up onto the bridge of his nose. 

"They make no sense! One minute I'm talking to Lily and then, bang, she's going out with the Hufflepuff seeker." James continued to rant.

"And this is Snape's fault because?" Sirius prompted, thoroughly bewildered.

"Every time I tried to talk to her he'd show up and start a fight with me!" James said in exasperation. "And he always made it seem like it was my fault!"

"And now she's going out with someone else, and a sixth year at that," Sirius said, trying to sound sympathetic.

"We have to do something to him," James said as he turned to grin humorlessly at Sirius. 'Ah, prank planning,' Sirius thought with glee. Any reason to make Snape's life hell was fine with him. But what could they do to the greasy git that they hadn't done before? A couple of ideas came quickly to mind, but to do them he'd have to

show James the spells in the Ex Magus ad Bestia, so he might as well bring up his other idea as well.

"I think I may have an idea," Sirius said thoughtfully. "But I also need your help with something."

"Remus, right?" James asked knowingly. But his teasing smile fell as Sirius looked down at the floor and shook his head.

"Not...the way you're thinking but it does have to do with him," Sirius said quietly. "Come on," he said before leading James back to their dorm. Sirius immediately knelt down next to his bed and pulled out the book he'd wedged up against the underside of the mattress.

"This," Sirius said, holding up the book, "will help you get back at Snape. And hopefully we can use it to help Remus too."

"Help Remus with what?" James asked, trying to get a good look at the title.

"With his lycanthropy, specifically his transformations," Sirius said absently, flipping through the book till he came to the page he wanted. "Werewolves don't attack other animals, or even wizards who have changed themselves into animals. So I was thinking that we learn how to do this so that Remus doesn't have to be alone during the change any more." Sirius explained, holding the book out to James with it open to the chapter about animagi. James stared at the book for a moment before turning his wide eyes on his best friend.

"Sirius! This is illegal to do without expressed permission from the Ministry!" James cried in shock. "Do you realize what my dad would do to me if he found out I even considered doing something like this?"

"James, I'm going to do this. I have to do this. But I understand if you don't." Sirius said

"If this is just some scheme to impress Remus..." James started, frowning his disapproval. But Sirius cut him off.

"It's not! We're...just friends. It's not like that any more," he said. He crossed his arms and glared off into space.

"What do you mean? Why not?" James asked, trying to bring Sirius' attention back to the here and now.

"If we're...together, according to all those bloody books Remus reads, it could kill us both," Sirius explained, still glaring daggers at some unseen foe. James just stared at him, eyes wide behind his glasses.

They both jumped when the door opened and Peter came in. The smaller boy tried smiling at them but when he didn't get a response he began to fidget.

"Hi...um," he said hesitantly.

"Hello Peter," Sirius said, glaring at the other boy and baring his teeth. He really didn't want to have to include him in their discussion, he'd have to repeat everything about a hundred times.

"You've been spending way too much time with Remus," James said, shaking his head.

"Why do you say that?" Sirius asked defensively. 'What was wrong with being around Remus?'

"You growled at Peter," James said matter of factly.

"If Sirius is growling at people it's completely his own fault," said a voice from the doorway. The other three boys turned to look at Remus as he came into the room. "Sirius what is that?" Remus asked, pointing to the book.

"Nothing!" Sirius said hugging the book close to his chest. Which, unfortunately, gave the other boys a great view of its title. James gasped in surprise and Remus went very pale.

"Sirius, where did you get that book?" Remus asked him. He was about to respond when James interrupted him.

"That's a Dark Arts book!" James cried. Peter squeaked in shock and Sirius stared at him with wide eyes.

"What!?!" Sirius yelled in surprise. He was so distracted by James' comment that he didn't notice that Remus was sneaking up on him till the other boy had taken the book from him and had sat down on his bed, flipping pages rapidly. 

"Hey! What are you doing?" Sirius asked in surprise.

"This is one of only two series of books still in existence that depict the ritual for becoming an Alpha werewolf." Remus said absently, still flipping pages looking for the right chapter. But James wasn't listening to either of them, he turned to Sirius and started to fire questions at him.

"Weren't you listening when Professor McGonagall talked about that book? Do you realize what'll happen to you if a teacher found out you have something like that? Are you trying to get yourself expelled!?! What?" he broke off as Remus let out a whimper and the book dropped from his numb hand to the floor. Sirius was just about to yell at him to be careful when he saw the look on Remus' face. He was instantly at the other boy's side.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Werewolf pelts." Remus muttered cryptically a shiver wracking his whole body. "I think I'm going to be sick." 

Sirius looked from him to the book and shook his head.

"That's it, I'm not letting you read any more books, you always overreact," he'd meant it to sound joking, but his annoyance at their situation managed to seep into Remus.

"Overreact?" Remus said, looking hurt and insulted that Sirius thought so little of all his concerns. "Excuse me for being upset at the fact that for every time that spell is performed, a werewolf has to be skinned alive. Or for the fact that I'm trying to protect you. For finding out that my curse isolates me and makes me even more dangerous and abnormal that I had previously thought!"

"Remus?" Sirius tried to apologies, to explain, but Remus wouldn't listen.

"It would be a lot easier if you just hated me like before!" Remus shouted before turning to leave.

"But I never hated you." Sirius said quietly. But Remus didn't hear him, he'd already stormed out of the room. Sirius collapsed down on Remus' bed and put his head in his hands. 'Great,' he thought. 'I've screwed up yet again.' He looked back up to see Peter and James staring at him. Peter was frowning, as if he was trying to figure out a complicated puzzle, but James looked sympathetic.

James picked up the book from the floor as if it were going to bite him and gingerly flipped it open.

"Okay, where do we start?"


	6. Chapter 17

"Without it I'm failing

My heart waits I the wings alone

The stages I go through keep coming

time and time and time again

...

You've taken your timing

So flawless executing me

So fearless and hopeful

Can you imagine such a scene?"

~ For the Ocean, Finger Eleven

'This is what you wanted, isn't it?' Remus thought to himself bitterly. He'd wanted to be left alone. He'd wanted Sirius to stop confusing him. And he'd gotten it.

Now the three boys he had started to think of as his friends barely spoke to him. And they always got nervous when he was alone with them. Remus figured it must have been a delayed reaction. It had finally sunk in that he was a Dark Creature. Sirius had probably told James and Peter what he'd seen on the first full moon of the term, and what Remus had shown him the morning after. It must have been enough to jar them into reality and stop treating him like a human being.

He made his way to the Library under the pretense of studying, but it was really to avoid seeing Sirius or the others for a few more hours. But unfortunately he had chosen a bad time to go to the library, because instead of avoiding his dormmates he'd managed to go right to them.

He was about to head back to the dorms but he couldn't help listening for just a moment to their conversation, to try and pretend he was still included just for a little bit.

"Remember, whatever you pick, you have to be able to transfigure into it." James said. Remus could barely see through bookshelf he was hiding behind both he and Peter were looking through large books with intent expressions on their faces. Peter looked up and made a face at James' bowed head.

"I know James," Peter replied, sounding as if this was about the hundredth time he'd been told that. "Why do you think I'm looking at small things? They're easier." He said grumpily.

"I don't see what's so hard about it," Sirius said, leaning back in his chair as the other two boys continued to look for? something in their respective books. James gave a derisive snort.

"Yeah, your choice was rather obvious," James said finally looking up at the other dark haired boy. "I'm still not sure he'll like it though. It might be a little too close for comfort." Remus frowned.

He'd obviously missed a rather important piece of the conversation, because it wasn't making any sense to him at all.

"Oh please," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "Moony needs someone to commiserate with. I'm sure he'll be thrilled." He said smugly. 'What?!?!' Remus thought in confusion. 'Thrilled about what? And what might be too close for comfort?' And if what they were talking about had to do with him, why didn't he know about it?

"If you think he'll be so happy about all this, why haven't you told him?" James asked, echoing Remus' own thoughts. The bespectacled boy turned yet another page and he must have seen something he liked, because his whole face lit up in a smile. "I think I've got it: a stag." He said triumphantly. Sirius stared at the other boy for a moment before dissolving into laughter.

"That would be perfect! Those antler's would match that disaster you call hair!" he managed before starting to laugh again.

"Hey!" James cried indignantly. And finally Remus' curiosity got the better of him. He had to know what was going on. So with a deep breath, he walked around the bookcase he'd been hiding behind. 

"Sirius is right, your hair is rather prongy, James. But what are you guys up to?" Remus asked, tried to make his voice neutral but was only marginally successful. They had been talking about him like he was still their friend, maybe there was another reason for them ignoring him. Or maybe it had all been in his head. The three boys at the table jumped and stared at him in shock for several seconds before all talking at once.

"Well you see?" "That is?" "Damn it Moony, this was supposed to be a surprise! No fair eavesdropping!" Sirius, as usual, was the loudest and most verbose, and that must have been the only reason his voice seemed to stand out against the other boys to Remus' ears. 

"Surprise?" he asked letting his confusion over the whole matter show on his face. They were doing something for him? And they wanted it to be a surprise? Remus suddenly felt very guilty about thinking that they had abandoned him.

"Well it's obvious it's not a surprise anymore, we might as well tell him." James said, looking pointedly at Sirius.

"Fine." the other boy sighed then looked up and smiled at Remus for what felt like, to Remus anyway, the first time in months. "But not here," Sirius said, gathering his things. Soon all four boys were heading back toward Gryffindor tower, none of them saying a word. And it was only a few minutes before they were in the relative privacy of their own dorm.

"We're going to become animagi." Sirius said without preamble once the door was closed. Remus stared at him for a while letting the words sink in and trying to figure out if Sirius was saying what he thought he was saying.

"What?!" he said finally, looking at the other three in bewilderment. "Isn't that illegal? I mean there's no way the Ministry would let you?" Remus trailed off, still confused. Where they really going to do this? And how was it supposed to be a surprise?

"Yeah, well? Sort of?" Sirius muttered, looking down at the floor but when he didn't seem like he was going to say anything else Remus couldn't help but prod.

"Why?" Sirius looked up at him and gave him a sad smile.

"You didn't hurt yourself," he said. Apparently that was supposed to be an explanation, unfortunately Remus' usually quick mind just couldn't see a connection. Sirius must have seen the confusion on Remus' face because he started to explain in a bit more detail. "When I was with you during the full moon, you didn't hurt yourself at all. And as I think I told you before I used that as a test to see if you'd be okay with other animals around. Didn't want to try anything as permanent as the animagus spell if it wasn't going to be helpful for what I was trying to do." Sirius said and paused to take a deep breath. He stepped closer to Remus and put a hand on his shoulder, looking him strait in the eyes. 

"I couldn't find a cure for lycanthropy, so I had to tried and figure out a way to make it better for you." Sirius said softly, his blue eyes never leaving Remus'. His mind whirled. They were doing this for him. They were going to try something so dangerous, just to help him during the Change. Remus had never thought that anyone would even think about doing anything to help him, let alone something so wonderful. He didn't think he'd ever been this happy before in his life and much to his embarrassment he burst into tears. Sirius looked at him in shock for a moment before pulling the smaller boy into a hug. "Shh, Moony, it's okay." Remus let himself melt into Sirius' embrace all his pent up fears and emotions from the last few weeks finally getting the better of him.

"I thought you guys hated me!" he muttered against Sirius' shoulder. "You haven't talked to me for weeks." Sirius gently ran his hand through Remus' hair as he slowly calmed down.

"I'm sorry Moony. We got so caught up in the idea and keeping it a surprise that we didn't even realize we were leaving you out." Sirius said gently but he must have realized how closely he was holding Remus because he let go of him and took a step back. "I'm sorry." He said again, but for an entirely different reason.

"It's okay," Remus said quickly, looking at the ground. He had been so distracted by how good it felt to have Sirius' arms around him that it hadn't really registered that Sirius was holding him. And Peter was giving them a very strange look. "And why wouldn't I like your animagus form? That is what you guys were picking, isn't it?" He asked, trying to change the subject. Sirius immediately started to fidget.

"Yeah, umm?" Sirius said nervously. Apparently he wasn't as sure of Remus' reaction as he'd tried to make James and Peter believe.

"Remus, what's a good dog name?" James said suddenly, cutting Sirius off.

"Umm.. Padfoot? But why?" Remus asked, looking confused again. For some reason Sirius was glaring at James, who just smiled back at him serenely.

"You know James I think Moony had it right; 'Prongy' really is a good description of you, with all the prongs your hair sticks up into," Sirius bit out sarcastically.

"That's Mr. Prongs to you. Padfoot," James replied, causing Peter to snicker from where he'd been standing by the door. But why was James calling Sirius that? It was supposed to be a dog name?

"Wait, a dog?!" Remus asked in surprise. Sirius cringed.

"Yeah. Is that a bad thing?" The other boy asked, looking at Remus like he expected to be yelled at. Remus could see why James had said it might be to close for comfort. Another canine, some one to run with, someone to howl with, someone who understood? Remus suddenly found himself smiling.

"No not at all." He said, still smiling. He couldn't believe his friends were really going to do this. "But, do you even know how to do the spell? It's supposed to be very difficult." Remus said. Again trying to change the subject when it came too close to things he still didn't want to think about.

"Actually it's mostly brewing the potion that will be a problem, and the final transfiguration, the handful of charms should be easy." James said, sounding like he was trying to be reassuring but wasn't quite succeeding. "And the fact that the potion has to be made twelve different times, adding a different ingredient each time in a specific order." James said. But he didn't look worried, he was the potions expert in their year after all. 

"It does?" Sirius asked. Remus and Peter looked at him in alarm and James covered his face with his hands.

"Honestly Sirius, it's your book, didn't you read through the whole process before deciding we should try it?" James asked in exasperation. Sirius just smiled at him. "The real trouble is getting the ingredients for the potion. Some of them are restricted and you have to get special permission just to buy them."

"I've told you," Sirius said in exasperation. "We can get all the stuff we need from Professor Jigger's personal stores, he's got everything." He made it sound like it was as easy as going down to the kitchens and getting food from the house-elves.

"But that's stealing!" Peter put in worriedly.

"And becoming an animagus is so much more legal," Sirius said sarcastically. "And besides, they're technically school supplies, we're just bypassing getting permission to use them." Remus frowned. If they were caught taking potions ingredients or sneaking out to make the potions or anything else they could get into real trouble. Maybe even be expelled.

"Maybe. I mean, if it's going to be so much trouble you really shouldn't do it. It's not worth it." he said quickly. It was a nice gesture, but... 'I'm not worth it...'

"If it could help you, it'd be worth it to go to hell and back. Nicking some things from the potions cupboard is nothing," Sirius said, looking Remus straight in the eyes. For one very painful moment Remus wanted nothing more than to lean in and kiss him. And the realization that he couldn't, that they were and could ever be only friends, made him want to howl in despair. James cleared his throat rather loudly, causing the other three boys

to look at him.

"We're going to need a way to make sure no one will catch us," He said in an obvious attempt to get them back on topic. They stood and thought for a few moments before Sirius got an idea.

"Oh! Moony, can I see your Grimorie for a minute?" Remus nodded and pulled it out of his school bag. Sirius leafed through it for a moment before finding what he wanted. "Ah-ha! What about this?" Sirius said, shoving the book right under James nose. The bespectacled boy pulled back enough to actually read it.

"A map?" he said dubiously, but read through the spell anyway. Once he had looked it over he looked back up at Sirius and gave him a conspiratorial grim before turning to all three of them. "This just might work. Anybody know where to get the floor plans for the whole castle?"


	7. Chapter 18

"Prowling in the night

Hiding beneath my fright

Manipulate my sight

Thief

Whenever you steal

My punishment's real

You give me sorrow"

~ Enchanted, Delirium

James was even better at figuring out decrepit old spells than Sirius had given him credit for. They'd gotten a rough draft drawn and put the proper spells on it so that it showed everyone in the whole castle. They even found a way to make the plans of the castle itself move as rooms and staircases shifted around. And after about a week of tinkering with it, they decided to give the map it's first test run.

They were sitting in the middle of their room with spell books and extra parchment strewn across the floor around them. Peter was only half paying attention to their discussion because he was working on a Transfiguration essay that would be due the next morning. And Remus was half-asleep; pointing out things that James and Sirius had missed from his position curled up on the floor. And he didn't seem to notice that he was using Sirius' hand as a pillow.

"So where should we go to test it out?" Sirius asked, stretching lopsidedly because he really didn't want to bother Remus by moving his 'pillow.'

"The kitchens?" Peter suggested hopefully, looking up from his half done essay.

"We could try and find the Slytherin common room," Remus said as he sat up and yawned. He rubbed his cheek and looked down at Sirius' hand and then up to meet his eyes, raising an eyebrow in silent question. Sirius just shrugged and stood up.

"We could use it for what we originally made it for and pay a visit to the rare potions ingredients Professor Jigger keeps in his office," Sirius said as he picked up the map.

"Sound's good to me," James said. "And the kitchens aren't that far out of the way so we can stop there too Peter." Peter beamed at him and quickly put his parchment and quill away. Sirius offered Remus a hand to help him to his feet. Remus stared at it for a moment before sighing and getting up on his own power and giving Sirius a rather sad look out of the corner of his eye as he headed to the door. He opened it and paused looking back at Sirius like he was about to say something important.

"Is there anyone in the common room?" Sirius stared at him for a couple of seconds before mentally shaking himself and looking down at the map. That wasn't what he'd been expecting him to say.

"Nope, no one there," he replied. Remus nodded and lead the way down the stairs and out of Gryffindor Tower. They paused at the portrait hole and checked the map again. No one was there so they crept quietly out, trying not to wake the fat lady and propped the portrait open with a pillow from the common room so they wouldn't have to tell her the password when they came back. They made it all they way to the entrance hall, checking the map at every corner, before they found out a flaw in the map.

"Oooh! Look at the ickle Gryffindors out after curfew!" All four of them jumped a good foot in the air as Peeves cackled madly behind them. "I could get you in so much trouble!"

"Peeves shut up!" Sirius hissed. But the poltergeist just continued to laugh and bounce around them.

"Be quiet, please!" Remus begged, but Peeves didn't listen. And when the ghost took a deep breath, like he was about to yell something, Remus lost his patience and pointed his wand at the annoyance.

"Phantasmawasi, " he muttered the spell and Peeves went sailing through the air and into the wall that separated the Entry Hall from the Great Hall. James, Peter and Sirius stared at him in shock.

"Stop gawking at me and come on, he'll be back in a few seconds," Remus said, grabbing Sirius by the sleeve and heading down the stairs to the dungeons. They stopped once they were sure they were far enough away, panting and out of breath from their mad dash down the halls.

"Wow, Moony, where did you learn that?" Sirius asked leaning against a wall to try and catch his breath.

"The same place you learn everything else, from a book," Remus relied. He suddenly tensed and started peering down the dark corridor. "Is there anything on the map?" he asked, still looking around nervously.

"No, nothing for a good half a dozen corridors," Sirius said after checking the map again. "Why, what's?" he started to ask, but a Peter's anxious voice cut him off.

"James, what are you doing?" the other two boys turned to see James squinting into a dark alcove there was a loud crack, like the sound of a whip, and Lily suddenly walked out of the shadows.

"Lily! What are you doing here?" James asked in shock.

"I hate you," she said calmly, fixing James with a contemptuous look that would make a Slytherin proud. He sputtered, his eyes wide in despair.

"Lily, what?" James said, his voice small and pleading.

"You really think I could like a scrawny, four eyes?" she continued on her tirade, but Sirius stopped listening and looked down at the map. He'd been sure that there was nobody anywhere near this hallway just a few minutes ago. He managed to find Lily Even's name on the map, but had to do a double take when he found it. According to the map, she was somewhere on the fourth floor. Sirius looked back to find James staring at the girl of his dreams with a horror-stricken look on his face. Wasn't there a dark creature that fed off of fear? And could change itself into peoples worst nightmares? Sirius turned to ask Remus but the other boy cut him off, answering his question at the same time.

"That's a boggart," he said simply before raising his wand.

"James don't listen to her, that's not Lily," Sirius said at the same time Remus shouted a spell. There was a loud crack and then it really wasn't Lily standing there. Instead it was Lucius Malfoy, wearing a bright red wig and a nightgown. They all stared in shock for a moment before they all began to laugh hysterically. The boggart looked confused and backed away back into the shadows.

There was another whip-crack and then a menacing growl rumbled out from the darkness. And as a creature from only the darkest of nightmares stepped from out of the concealing alcove they all quickly stopped laughing.

Six feet tall at the shoulder, gray-brown fur matted with blood and gore, it stalked towards them on crimson stained paws with claws the size of knives, blood and saliva dripping down its razor sharp teeth to mat the fur of its muzzle and neck.

The gigantic wolf turned to Remus, pinning the shaking boy with an identical gold gaze before turning its attention to Sirius. And in one swift motion it leapt forward, pushing Remus aside and charging towards Sirius. Time seemed to slow as Sirius tried to think of what to do. It wasn't really a werewolf, it was a boggart. 'What was the spell Remus had used? Riddles? No...ridicule?! No?'

"Riddikulus!" Sirius shouted as the boggart-wolf crashed into him, it's teeth snapping shut an inch from his face. He felt claws rip through his robes as the creature reared back and another loud crack echoed threw the hallway. Sirius looked up from where he was sprawled on the floor and saw a miniscule version of his attacker, with purple and pink polka-dotted fur, chasing its own tail in circles. He would have laughed if it hadn't been for the sound that penetrated through the sound of his own blood pounding in his ears.

The haunting, screaming wail began as less than a whisper but soon built to echo against the stone walls loud enough to be painful. Sirius looked around wildly, thinking that the boggart must have turned itself into a banshee. But no, the sound shifted from a scream to a desperate howl as Sirius' eyes landed on its source. Remus had collapsed to his knees in the middle of the corridor, his head thrown back and his throat working as he voiced his terror and despair in an ear splitting, heart rending, inhuman scream. A bright flash of light hit the crouching boy and suddenly the sound stopped and Sirius' ears rang with the silence even though he could see that Remus had yet to stop howling.

"Bloody hell but that little monster was making a racket. I'd be surprised if my entire house isn't awake by now." Groused a voice from behind him. Sirius whirled around and found Professor Jigger, head of Slytherin house and teacher of Potions, stood in the middle of the hallway, arms crossed and scowling down at the four of them. A strange sort of dust whirled around his feet and Sirius guessed that it must have been the remains of the boggart because the creature was nowhere to be found.

Professor Jigger asked them something, but Sirius didn't bother to reply, instead he turned back to look at Remus. He'd stopped howling and his head now hung down, his chin pressed to his chest, his whole body shivering convulsively.

Sirius reached towards him but was stopped by the professor's loud voice.

"Don't touch him, he'll attack you!" Sirius didn't even look over his shoulder as he replied "Sod off!" before slowly and gently laying a hand on Remus' shoulder. The other boy's head snapped up and he stared at Sirius with feral molten gold eyes, his lips pulling back in a silent snarl.

"Shhh, Remus, it's me...shhhh...it's okay," Sirius whispered as he held his hand out to him. He sniffed at it before nuzzling against the warm palm, and as Sirius gently ran his fingers down the side of his face. The feral light in Remus' eyes dimmed and he blinked at Sirius in confusion. "It's okay Remus, I won't let anything hurt you," he whispered softly his hand still cupping Remus' cheek.

Remus tried to say something but no sound came out so instead he leaned forward and buried his face against the fabric of Sirius' robe, silent sobs wracking his body as Sirius wrapped his arms around the him and held him close. But Sirius was soon broken from his little world that consisted of solely of comforting Remus by Professor McGonagall's shrill voice.

"What is going on here?" she asked. Sirius looked over his shoulder to see what was going on. James and Peter stood between the two professors and where he and Remus knelt on the floor and they were both talking rapidly, trying to distract the teachers from the scene behind them.

"Yes, yes, I understand that. A boggart, yes," Professor McGonagall was saying in exasperation. "But what were you four doing down here in the middle of the night?" she finally managed to ask through their babbling. They both fell silent and looked at each other helplessly, not sure what to say.

"They were probably going to play some sort of prank, maybe they even let the boggart in and got caught in their own trap?" Professor Jigger suggested as he glared down at them. Professor McGonagall walked around the other two boys to stand over Sirius and Remus.

"Are you alright Mr. Lupin?" she asked, some of her anger leeching from her tone. Remus extracted himself from Sirius embrace and tried to say something, but again no sound came out.

"Finite Incantium. I put a mute curse on him when he was wailing like a banshee," Professor Jigger said from farther down the hall. "I trust you can handle it from here Minerva?" he asked. Not waiting for an answer before he turned and headed back down the corridor. Sirius opened his mouth to try and give an explanation but Professor McGonagall cut him off.

"Don't try and explain Black, I don't want to hear it," she said in a clipped voice. "I'm sure you have some wonderfully clever lie to explain why you and your friends where marauding around the castle in the middle of the night. But there is no valid reason for you to be out of your beds, let alone out of your common room at this late hour." She led them back to Gryffindor tower and probably would have let them off rather easily...if they hadn't left the portrait propped open, revealing the 'secret' entrance to the common room for all the world to see. She was so angry she couldn't even keep her usually composed and steely voice from quivering in rage.

"Twenty, no thirty, no fifty points from Gryffindor! Each! And you all have detention for a week!" They were all too shaken to protest and quickly escaped to the safety of their dorm.

As soon as they were there, Remus curled up on his bed and pulled his covers around him looking frightened and shell shocked. Sirius was forced to sit down beside him, even if he hadn't wanted to, because Remus hadn't let go of him arm for the entire trip back from the dungeons.

"Moony, you okay?" James asked his friend worriedly, even though he didn't look that much better himself. Remus just shook his head, looking off into space.

"I've never done that before," Remus said softly, hugging Sirius' arm closer to his chest. "I was so scared, I thought it was going to eat you and I just...retreated." He shivered and looked at Sirius and it took a while for Sirius to realize that had been terrified more by his reaction than by the boggart itself. "And the only thing there to take my place was the wolf... that's never happened before outside of the night of the full moon." They all fell silent, letting the events of the night sink in. But Sirius soon found it uncomfortable and racked his brain for something to say that would ease the tension. Something that would make Remus stop staring into space like he was looking into a nightmare.

"What do you call a person who 'goes marauding'?" he asked suddenly.

"A marauder, why?" Remus said, his eyes losing a bit of their glazed look as he looked at Sirius curiously.

"I was just thinking that once we work out all the kinks that we're going to need a name for the map. It'd be boring just to call it 'the map.'" Sirius said. He really hoped he didn't sound like he was babbling, cause it felt like he was.

"So what, you want to call it 'the marauding map'?" James asked skeptically.

"I was thinking more 'The Marauder's Map' actually," Sirius said smugly. He thought it was a good name, even if the others didn't.

"Where did you get that anyway?" Peter asked. Sirius just shrugged.

"When Professor McGonagall was yelling at us, she said something about 'marauding about the castle in the dead of night.'" Apparently there was something wrong with his statement because Peter suddenly went very pale.

"Oh, no!" the tiny boy wailed. "Do you guys remember how many house points she took off?" he asked frantically. James' eyes suddenly went wide before he put his face in his hands.

"Everyone's going to kill us!"

"I thought it was only fifty," Sirius said, confused. "We've lost that much before."

"Do you ever listen when teachers are talking? She said fifty each!" James asked in exasperation.

"We've lost almost that many house points before," Sirius pointed out. "Remember that time we..." but he trailed off and looked suddenly guilty.

"The last time I remember you guys losing that many house points," Remus said, fixing Sirius with a piercing gaze that was not, quite, a glare. "Was when you and James picked me up and threw me into the lake with the giant squid. After I told you I couldn't swim." Sirius cringed.

"I am still very sorry about that. We really did think you were joking. We had no idea you'd just sink to the bottom like that," he said pleadingly. Thinking back on all that now, he had the rather strong urge to beat himself up for ever being that mean to Remus. 

"Werewolves have a higher bone mass, it make it harder to float," Remus said matter-of-factly. "If Hagrid hadn't fished me out I probably would have taken up permanent residence with the mermaids."

"I really am sorry about that," Sirius said, searching Remus' expression for any trace of anger or resentment and sighed in relief as the other boy gave him a slight smile.

"I forgive you," Remus said quietly.

"We should really get some sleep," James said. "We're going to need to be rested so we can out run the angry mob tomorrow." The other three boys groaned and quickly followed James advice. Sirius attempted to stand but found he couldn't because Remus still had a death grip on his arm.

"Stay. Please," Sirius' heart started beating triple time but he forced himself to act calm as he lay down beside Remus. "I know I'm going to have nightmares and I just..."

"It's okay. I don't mind," Sirius said as he ran his free hand down Remus' cheek. Remus smiled at him and closed his eyes, within minutes he was asleep. Sirius stayed awake watching him for some time before the events of the day caught up with him and he too fell asleep.


	8. Chapter 19

"But I fear I have nothing to give

I have so much to lose

Here in this lonely place

Tangled up in your embrace

There's nothing I'd like better than to fall"

~ Fear, Sarah McLachlan

As Remus woke slowly the next morning, he could tell that something wasn't right. Or at least wasn't normal. He hadn't had a nightmare, couldn't even remember dreaming at all in fact, that in itself was unusual. But it was also really hot and his duvet felt like it weighed a ton.

He shifted uncomfortably, eyes still closed, and frowned sleepily when something that felt suspiciously like a lock of hair fell across his face. He swatted at the offending strands as they started tickling his cheek and nose and his hand connected not only with hair but with the side of the head it was attached to. Remus' eyes shot

open.

'No wonder I was so hot,' he thought, blinking sleepily at the position he and his impromptu sleeping companion were in. The other boy was lying almost completely on top of him, one arm trapped under Remus' back and his head face down on the pillow Remus' head was on. Another lock of hair fell across the bridged of Remus' nose and he sighed.

"Sirius?" he whispered, trying to wake him. Nothing happened. "Sirius, wake up," still no response. Remus shifted, trying to get his arm out from where it was trapped between his own side and Sirius' biceps. This finally prompted a response from the still sleeping boy above him. Sirius shifted, unconsciously trying to make himself more comfortable and nuzzled into Remus' hair, his breath tickling Remus' cheek as he settled back down.

"Siiiiiriuuuus..." Remus whined softly. This finally seemed to get the other boy's attention. And with a gigantic yawn Sirius levered himself up on his elbows and blinked down at Remus sleepily. He smiled down at him eyes still bleary and sleep fogged as he brought a hand up to trace against Remus' cheek.

"Love you Moony," Sirius whispered leaning down to gently brush his lips against Remus'. '...he...love?... he can't...' Remus' thoughts stuttered in his mind. Sirius didn't love him, he couldn't. He had nothing to offer the other boy. Being with him could only cause him pain. Didn't Sirius see that? Sirius couldn't love him, he just couldn't!

"...no..." he murmured against Sirius' lips before shaking his head violently. Sirius suddenly pushed himself to sit on his heels next to Remus, blinking owlishly down at the smaller boy as if he'd just realized he was awake.

"Sorry." he muttered, looking at Remus like he expected him to hit him. They both stared at each other for a long moment. "I...I'll be going now," Sirius finally stuttered out before retreating off the bed so quickly that he misjudged the distance and fell to the floor.

The curtains around Remus' bed flapped violently as the other boy passed through them and a rather long string of cursing could be heard soon after. But Remus made no move to help him, in fact he didn't move at all, just stared out into space, his mind trying to fit the last few minutes into the way he thought the world worked. Sirius' sleep-slurred words kept echoing in his head even as he heard him rummage through his trunk before making a hasty retreat from their dorm. After a while, when all Remus' thinking had given him was a headache,

he turned over and hid his head under his pillow.

He was able to stay blissfully unconscious for a good hour before he was rudely awakened by the door to their dorm bursting open and some very inconsiderate person yelling at the top of their lungs.

"Do you four know what you've done?! Two hundred bloody points!" Remus frowned, his sleepy mind trying to figure out who the voice belonged to. It sounded like it might be one of the prefects.

"Go away Frank, it's too early in the morning to be told off," James replied sleepily.

"I will not go away! You had better hope you win the Quidditch cup and make up those points Potter, because I will not have us lose the House Cup for the first time in ten year because you lot couldn't stay in after curfew." 

Remus groaned and tried to hide even farther under his pillow. They just had to piss off Frank Longbottom. The sixth year prefect was really nice most of the time, but he tended to take his job as role model and disciplinarian a bit too seriously. Frank ranted for a few more minutes before leaving them in peace to get ready for their execution once they went down to the common room. But when Remus, James and Peter made it down from their dorm, nobody said anything. In fact nobody seemed to notice they were there. Remus thought this was odd until he caught several people glaring at them and then turning away in disgust when he caught their eye. But Remus really didn't mind, he was used to being ignored, it was safer that way.

He saw Sirius in their first class but for some reason, maybe the slump of the other boy's shoulders or the way his head hung over his desk, made Remus sit at the back of the room away from his...friend. He wasn't able to pay much attention in class, his thoughts kept slipping back to what Sirius had said. It was driving Remus crazy, why hadn't Sirius just gotten over his crush on him and moved on? The more he tried not to think about it, the harder it got to pay attention to anything else.

And it didn't help when Sirius disappeared at lunch and then again at dinner. Not that Remus blamed him, it had taken him ten minutes to get up the courage to enter the Great Hall for lunch. But for some reason he was a bit disappointed. They were going to have to talk at some point, avoiding each other was just prolonging the amount of time they had to sit around and worry about it.

Remus had been so distracted by the fact that Sirius hadn't shown up for dinner either that he hadn't noticed that another member of their group was missing as well until Peter had asked him if he knew where Sirius and James had gone to. He had shrugged at the other boy's question and went back to picking at his food. 'They're probably off playing some prank,' he though morosely. For some reason the thought that he didn't know what Sirius was up to made him lose his appetite and he quickly excused himself and retreated back to Gryffindor Tower.

He collapsed onto his bed, sighing in annoyance at the whole situation. He and Sirius had been circling each other since the start of the term and all that worrying and beating himself up over things he couldn't have was starting to drive him crazy. He needed to talk to Sirius and work things out once and for all, and soon, or he was going to snap.

Remus spent almost three hours thinking up ways to tell Sirius that they had to stop being friends, because otherwise he was going to have a nervous breakdown. He had just thought of an argument that actually sounded reasonable instead of petty when his thoughts were interrupted by the door slamming open.

Startled, he looked up and saw Sirius stalk across the room and flop onto his bed, pulling the curtains shut after him. He was quickly followed by James who sighed as he entered the room and closed the door before walking over to Sirius' bed.

"Sirius?" James asked quietly. For a while there wasn't an answer, then Sirius sighed but didn't come out from the confines of his bed. 

"Go away James. My life sucks, just leave me alone," Remus bit his lip at how tired Sirius' voice sounded and tried, in vain, not to feel guilty.

"Sirius, whatever's wrong there's no need to throw a temper tantrum about it," James snapped in annoyance.

"Temper tantrum! Excuse me for having my life fall down around my ears!" Sirius shouted, and then started ticking things off from behind his curtains. "The whole school's out for my blood. Remus isn't speaking to me. I got another lecture from McGonagall when she found me eating lunch in the kitchens instead of the great hall. Remus is avoiding me. I am officially the worst Quidditch player Hogwarts has ever seen and got told off just for trying out. Oh and did I mention Remus hates me?"

"That's what all this is about, you two had another fight?" James asked in exasperation.

"No, we didn't fight, I told him I loved him and he flipped out," that seemed to shut James up. He just stood there with an unreadable expression on his face. It finally dawned on Remus that they didn't know that he was there and he figured he should say something before either of them said anything incriminating.

"Umm..." that was all he managed to get out before both James and Sirius, who had stuck his head out from behind his curtains, were staring at him in shock.

"Wow...I forgot to...um...I was going to...help Peter with his homework! See you later," James said frantically before making a hasty retreat to the common room.

"How long have you been sitting there?" Sirius asked, after an extremely acquired silence.

"I've been here since dinner," he replied quietly. "Where have you been?"

"Quidditch tryouts. As you heard, I didn't do too well." Remus nodded. They needed to talk and now was as good a time as any. He was just getting up the courage to say something when Sirius beat him to it.

"We need to talk," the other boy said, pulling back the curtains on his bed so that they could actually see each other. Remus nodded and tried to find something to say, but again Sirius interrupted him. "If I thought that you were doing this because you didn't like me or something like that, then I would just get over it and move on. But half the time you act like you like me too and the other half you act like you're afraid of me. Could you possibly tell me what's going on?" Sirius asked imploringly. Remus turned away from his searching gaze.

"I'm not afraid of you, I'm afraid for you. The boggart last night...my worst fear is that I'll hurt you," he said quietly.

"That was supposed to be you?" Sirius asked in shock. "But you don't look anything like that!" Remus blinked at him in surprise, he'd thought it was pretty accurate, if a bit big.

"I don't?" Remus asked. Sirius got up and sat down next to Remus on his bed, smiling at him slightly.

"Of course not, you're only about a fourth as big and your claws and teeth weren't nearly that ferocious looking," Sirius said, trying to sound comforting but it wasn't really working. "You really just look like an overgrown wolf pup. You're actually kind of...cute."

"Cute!" Remus sputtered. How could anyone think that that thing he turned into was cute? "Maybe I don't look like that, but I'm still dangerous. How on earth can you call something that would gladly rip you to shreds cute?"

"You would never hurt me," Sirius said it with such conviction that Remus wanted to hit him. "Not intentionally." He amended quickly at the look Remus was giving him.

"But I still have to make sure that I don't hurt you unintentionally," Remus said, trying to sound a lot more confidant than he felt. "Which means I have to keep my distance." he said finally. Sirius stared at him for a long moment and Remus couldn't help but feel guilty at the look of hurt in the other boy's eyes.

"But what if you keeping your distance hurts worse than having you near ever could?" Sirius asked quietly, no longer able to meet his gaze.

"Sirius?" Remus said, he really couldn't let this go on, he had to stop this, what ever it was, between the two of them. It was too dangerous, Sirius didn't know what he was getting himself into.

"I...I meant what I said this morning, Remus. I wasn't really awake, but I did mean it. I know you just want us to be friends, but..."

Remus cut him off.

"I don't want to just be friends, we have to be! You read the passage the same as I did. For all I know if I kiss you the wrong way it'll kill us both!"

"Remus, you're being paranoid." Sirius said, starting to get angry. 

"I have a right to be paranoid Sirius! If..." but he never got a chance to finish his sentence because Sirius kissed him. At first he stood stock still, thinking that he should push Sirius away, they couldn't do this, could they? But his body moved without his consent, snaking his arms around Sirius' back and pulling him closer. It just felt so good. Before Sirius no one had touched him, a hug, a pat on the back, nothing, since he'd been bitten. And part of him selfishly didn't want to let this go. And for that moment he let himself get lost in the feeling of Sirius' tongue running across his lips and his hands pressed flat against his back, pulling them impossibly close. It was a kiss of desperation. This was what they both wanted, to just lose themselves in this and just forget about curses and werewolves and all the other myriad of reasons that they shouldn't be doing this. When they finally pulled back for air Remus buried his face in Sirius' shoulder, trying in vain to convince himself again that he didn't need this, that it was better for both of them if they could only stop this.

"I don't want to hurt you Sirius, not ever," he said quietly.

"You won't." Remus wanted so desperately to believe him. He lay there, listening to Sirius' heartbeat still trying to convince himself that this was a bad idea but not being very successful. "So?" Sirius started, but then didn't continue. "Never mind."

"No, what?" Remus asked.

"Are we..." Sirius sighed, cleared his throat and tried again. "Are we still just friends? Cause that's fine," he added hurriedly. "But I'd just like to know. To know whether or not to go jump off the astronomy tower or not cause this is driving me crazy," Sirius' voice was teasing, but Remus could hear the strain the situation was putting on him. 

"What would you rather we be?" Remus asked, pulling back enough to be able to look at him.

"I...I'd like you to be my boyfriend," Sirius said finally. The words sat between them as Remus searched the other boy's face. 'I shouldn't even be considering this. This is crazy, what am I doing?' But despite himself, Remus found that he was smiling.

"Okay." Sirius' eyes went wide and a grin slowly spread across his face and the next thing Remus knew, he was being very enthusiastically kissed.

"Have you two killed each other yet?" a voice yelled from outside in the hall.

"Go away James! We're busy!" Sirius yelled in mock irritation.

"I'm not going to try and figure out what you mean by that but me and Peter are going to be coming in there in about thirty seconds so please don't be doing anything scandalous." Remus extracted himself from Sirius' embrace and attempted to straighten his shirt, Sirius just crossed his arms and pretended to look disgruntled.

"Ah, you're both in once piece, wonderful," James exclaimed as he entered their room. "So, how did things go?"

"Wonderfully, he's finally come round and seen things my way," Sirius said, grinning broadly.

"Excuse me?" Remus said, pretending to be offended, but it didn't work too well, considering he was grinning too. "Go to bed, you," he said, pushing Sirius off of his bed and onto the floor. Sirius hopped up and turned back to look at him, mouthing 'goodnight, love' before returning to his own bed.

"Goodnight."


	9. Chapter 20

Sirius stared down at his boyfriend as he slept peacefully. His boyfriend...Remus Lupin, the most wonderful, confusing, intoxicating, frustratingly beautiful creature in the world, had agreed to be his boyfriend. Sirius couldn't help but smile foolishly down at the sleeping boy. He'd woken at dawn, too excited to get back to sleep and had settled on watching Remus instead.

'I wonder if he'd be mad if I kissed him.' Sirius thought as he found himself leaning over the other boy. He watched in dismay as Remus frowned in his sleep. Without thinking, Sirius leaned closer and gently brushed his hand across Remus' brow, trying to sooth away whatever nightmare or dream was causing his boyfriend distress.

Unfortunately it had the opposite effect; Remus opened his eyes, yelped, and hit Sirius as hard as he could with his pillow.

That morning James and Peter were awoken by a muffled yelp followed quickly by several loud thuds and a lowed crash. They both looked out from their curtains to find Remus, still clutching his pillow in both hands, blinking over the side of his bed at Sirius, who was sitting in the middle of the broken remnants of what had been the glass lamp that had been sitting on Remus' nightstand.

"Let me guess," Sirius muttered as he rubbed at the side of his head that Remus had hit, "I'm in trouble again." Remus continued to stare down at him for quite a while before shaking himself out of his daze.

"Sorry," he said quietly, looking confused. "You surprised me, that's all. What were you doing leaning over me like that anyway?" Sirius smiled at him sheepishly and tried not to blush.

"Well, I was debating whether or not you'd be pissed if I kissed you, seeing as we're going out but only since yesterday," he knew he was rambling, but he wasn't quite sure if Remus was mad at him or not and that made him nervous. "And then I got distracted. You're really cute when you sleep, did you know that?" he added lamely.

Remus blushed and looked like he was about to say something favorable to Sirius not being in trouble. 'Preferably, 'since I'm awake, you can kiss me now.'' Sirius thought hopefully. But any comment Remus was going to make was interrupted by a rather loud exclamation from the other side of the room. Reminding them that they were not the only people in the dorm and that one of their friends had finally caught a clue.

"What?" Peter yelled, looking at the pair with wide eyes. He sputtered and looked faintly ill. "You're joking, right?" he asked, almost pleadingly, like something had gone terribly wrong with the world as he had known it.

Sirius kept himself from giving Peter an evil look, but just barely. "No joke, Pete. Me and Remus are going out." He said as blandly as he could, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"And about bloody time too!" said James, who was sitting at the end of his bed and grinning like an idiot. "If you two had kept it up for much longer I was going to lock you up in a broom closet 'til you'd sorted through your differences." He looked just smug enough that Sirius grabbed the pillow from Remus and threw it at him.

Peter looked at James in shock. "You knew about this?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah, sorry, I guess we just figured you'd figure it out eventually," James replied, looking slightly guilty for leaving his friend out of the loop.

"Oh, okay," Peter said as he grabbed what he'd need for the day and not-quite-bolted for the door.

"He took that well," James said optimistically. Sirius and Remus just stared at him like he'd gone mad. "Well, I think I'll go get ready," James continued conversationally as he too gathered his things, never mind the fact that it was five in the morning. He paused long enough to point to the broken lamp and suggest they clean it up before leaving the two of them alone.

Remus was frowning at the closed door and looking generally worried.

"What's wrong Moony?" Sirius asked as he stood, brushing bits of glass from his pajamas and picking his way carefully across the floor in bare feet to get his wand. Before he could reach it Remus absently waved his wand at the mess and the glass reassembled itself.

"Peter didn't take that very well," he said as Sirius made his way back over to Remus' bed. "I always though he knew, you and James talked about it enough."

"Peter tends to only see what he wants to see," Sirius said with a shrug. He stood there and shifted his weight, debating if he should sit on Remus' bed or not. He still wasn't sure if he was in trouble.

"Sirius?" Remus said, raising an eyebrow at him.

"Yes?" it came out too quickly and desperately for Sirius' liking but he was nervous, he didn't do well with being nervous.

"Sit." Sirius complied almost before the words left Remus' mouth, sitting down so that there was barely any room between them.

"Okay." He said brightly, smiling sweetly at his boyfriend, which, of course, only made him look like he was up to something. But Remus didn't smile back and Sirius' face fell.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Remus asked softly.

"Remus," Sirius said, staring sincerely into his gold eyes. "Every thing will be alright. I promise." He said, trying to be convincing. He knew Remus didn't believe him but the slim boy's shoulders relaxed and he smiled up at him.

Sirius figured that it was okay to kiss him now and leaned forward, but stopped with only an inch between them, looking questioningly into his boyfriend's eyes. Remus finally smiled and leaned forward just enough to close the space between them. The soft brush of Remus' lips against his own made Sirius shiver, but he resisted his urge to deepen the kiss. Remus lips began to move against his and Sirius replied in kind, slow and sweet and very gentle.

It was the first time Remus had really kissed him instead of the other way around and Sirius didn't want to do anything to ruin it. And his agonizing patience was worth it as slim hands ran up his arms to his shoulders, pulling him tight against Remus' body as a questing tongue traced across his lips. Sirius parted his lips just slightly as that wonderful tongue made a second swipe and their mouths suddenly fused together and Remus was kissing him as if he were the air he needed to breath. As if the two of them and that kiss and that moment were the most important, and only, thing in the entire world.

Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus' waist, moaning into Remus' mouth as he pulled back to nip at Sirius' lips. But he immediately regretted, as Remus paused and pulled back enough to look him. Wide gold eyes stared at him in wonder from a flushed face and reddened lips were worried between teeth as Remus sat there, trying to catch his breath. But the picture he presented was just too enticing. Sirius couldn't keep still, couldn't keep quiet. He reached up and brushed a stray bit of fringe behind Remus' ear.

"I love you..." quiet and sincere, Sirius hadn't even known he'd spoken out loud and nearly kicked himself when he realized he had.

Remus got his deer-in-the-headlights look and Sirius could feel him tense in his arms. He opened his mouth to speak, to respond, to say something, but Sirius pressed his finger against his lips and just smiled, hoping the message was clean. He was just stating a fact. Remus didn't have to say anything in return.

By the time they headed down to breakfast themselves most of Hogwarts was already in the Great Hall. They were prepared for evil looks from their fellow Gryffindor, but instead they were completely ignored. In fact everyone in the hall, including the teachers, were looking at that morning's Daily Prophet with great interest or standing around someone who was.

James waved at them to come over to the Gryffindor table quickly, but they were intercepted by Professor McGonagall before they got there.

"Mr. Black," 'uh-oh, that's never good,' Sirius thought in dismay. The more formal McGonagall was usually corresponded to the amount of trouble you were in. "The Headmaster would like to see you in his office." At the startled and dismayed looks on both his and Remus' face she added quickly, "And no, you are not in trouble." Before turning and walking out of the hall. With a worried look to Remus and a shrug to James, Sirius followed her.

"Hello Sirius," Dumbledore said as he entered the headmaster's office. "This is Alastor Moody and Cornilias Fudge, they're Aurors." He continued, his voice grave. Sirius quickly wracked his brain for anything he'd done that could have been bad enough to require Aurors but couldn't think of anything. At the look of fear on Sirius' face the older of the two Aurors, Moody, spoke up

"You're not in any trouble young man. We just need to ask you a few questions." Moody's words didn't comfort him all that much.

"Have you seen today's Prophet?" the younger Auror cut in. Moody shot him a disapproving look but explained when Sirius shook his head.

"Several muggles were killed last night. It is believed that they were killed by wizards." Sirius nodded, because he could tell that the man was waiting for some sort of signal from him to continue. Apparently all this had something to do with him, otherwise he wouldn't be here but he wished the Aurors would get to the point. "Your father was one of them." Sirius just stared at him for a moment, the man's word repeating in his head. 'my dad's...dead?' he thought dazedly.

"He was the only one with any ties to the wizarding world, and since you're our only link Dumbledore agreed to let us talk to you." Fudge said, breaking what little train-of-thought Sirius had had. "As long as it's alright with you," he added hastily, misinterpreting Sirius' expression.

"I haven't seen him in almost a year," was the only thing he could think of to say.

"You had to have seen him this summer. You live with him don't you?" the younger Auror asked. But Sirius was barely listening to him. His eyes stung and he tried swallow past the lump in his throat. 'Dad was a bastard,' he reminded himself hotly. 'I shouldn't be upset...Hell! I should be happy!'

"No, I don't live with him. Not since I went home for winter break and he almost killed me." Sirius ground out, more to remind himself of what happened than to inform the Aurors. But he regretted it as both Aurors, and even Dumbledore, stared at him in surprise.

"He almost killed you?" Fudge parroted. Sirius tensed up and looked at the younger Auror defiantly.

"My dad wasn't the nicest guy in the world," he bit out sarcastically. And then sighed and stared down at his shoes, absently bringing his hand up to rub at the, now faint, scar on his cheek. "Dad has...had... a temper and he usually took it out on me," he said quietly. 'Why am I telling them this?! Just shut up already!' he yelled at himself silently.

"Can't you think of anyone who might have had a motive to kill him?" Fudge asked impatiently, completely ignoring the state Sirius was in. Sirius glared at him.

"Besides me?" Sirius bit out. "Maybe one of his ex-girlfriend, I don't know." He didn't wait for a response or, even worse, another question and stalked out of the room.


	10. Chapter 21

"Well, there's no turning back

No turning back this time

No use in running

It's always the same

You can count on the panic

It's the faces that change."

~ Tangled and Dark, Bonnie Rate

Remus stared at the front page of the Daily Prophet, his eyes wide and his appetite suddenly gone. Muggles...killed by wizards...for no apparent reason. He quickly read through the article, amazed at how much hype and paranoia the Prophet could cause without including much content. But he froze as he read the last line of the article.

~ We at the Prophet believe that these deaths may be connected to the disappearances of several Squibs in the recent month but the Ministry refused to comment on any connection. ~

He methodically folded the paper and shoved it in his pocket, revolving to forget about the article but also to write a letter to his father asking how Romulus was. He then got up and, ignoring James' question about where he was going, started off towards his first class. He doubted that Ms. Brohdin, his Runes teacher, would mind if he was early.

Sirius didn't show up for History of Magic or Charms and by lunchtime Remus had started to get really worried. James and Peter hadn't seen him either and as they headed down to the Great Hall Remus was just about to go and look for him when another thought struck him and he looked around to locate Peter. The sandy haired boy was walking a little behind he and James, lost in his own thoughts. Remus turned and tapped him on the shoulder. 

"Hey, Peter. Can I talk to you?" Peter looked up, startled, before nodding apprehensively. James raised an eyebrow, but shrugged when Remus waved him towards the Great Hall. They ducked into a recently vacated classroom and just stared at each other. 'You're the one who brought him in here,' Remus thought to himself. 'Now say something!' But no words came to him, he was just too nervous. He was pretty sure that he didn't liked what was happening between him and Sirius, but he didn't want to lose one of the few friends he had because of it.

"Are you okay with...?" he finally managed to speak, but his courage failed him half way through the sentence and he trailed off into silence.

"Does it matter?" Peter asked, crossing his arms over his chest. "It's not like Sirius'll listen if I don't agree with him."

Remus blinked.

"What do you mean?" Remus asked, not understanding why Peter was upset.

"You weren't really friends with us at the time so I guess you never heard. But back in second year Sirius kept pestering this fourth year Ravenclaw girl to go out with him. But once he talked her into it he got bored and dumped her after only a week. And..." Peter paused in his tirade and frowned down at the ground. "And I know I freaked out about the werewolf thing at first, but, you're really nice, and I don't want to lose you just cause Sirius did something stupid."

"So..."Remus' voice cracked and cleared his throat, trying to sound like that bit of information wasn't as terrifying for him as Peter seemed to think it was. "So that's what's bothering you not...that Sirius and I are..." he trailed off again, this time not sure what word to use. 'Boyfriends' seemed too transient at the moment, and anything else made him feel like he was putting too much faith in Sirius' good intentions.

"Well that is pretty weird," Peter said, but smiled, taking the edge off the words. "But I've hung around James and Sirius for almost four years now. When you're around them for a while you just get used to weird thing happening all the time." Remus only nodded distractedly. 

"It...it's not like he doesn't really like you," Peter said hurriedly. "But you know how he is..." Remus frowned. Yes, he knew what Sirius was like. When he set him mind on something, he made it happen one way or the other. But as soon as he'd gotten what he'd wanted he moved on to the next 'project' without a backwards glance. Remus took a deep breath and tried to calm down as his hands started to shake.

"Um...Remus?" Peter's voice broke through his thoughts and brought him back rather painful train of thought. 'I am not a project' he told himself fiercely.

"Yes?" he sighed.

"Do...do werewolves eat rats?" it took a few moments for Remus to follow the abrupt change of topic but eventually he replied.

"Um...no...Why?" Peter chuckled nervously and looked at the floor again.

"Well, cause I was actually able to turn that rutabaga into a rat in transfiguration the other day, so I thought that since I already know how to do that then that would be, you know, what I picked." The reminder of Sirius' idea for them to become animagi was both calming and worrying. 'Another one of Sirius' projects' he thought, not sure if he should be angry or not. 'I wonder how long that will last after he dumps me?' thought and then mentally smacked himself. He was being paranoid again.

"Peter, you don't have to pick anything if you don't want to. I doubt that Sirius and James are actually going to go through with it." He said calmly, trying not to think about reasons why they would lose interest in it.

"They will," Peter said, the utter confidence in his voice shocking Remus. "And it will help you wont it?" Remus nodded slightly. "Then I want to at least try to do it," he said firmly. Remus couldn't help but smile at him.

"Are you sure you want to be a rat?" Remus asked.

"I know some people think they're gross with their beady eyes and wormy tails, but their really not that bad. People just don't appreciate them. Kind of...kind of like me..." The last part was barely a whisper, but Remus heard it and put a comforting hand on the other boys shoulder.

"Nonsense, we appreciate you Peter," Remus said lightly, smiling at him, then his expression turned thoughtful.

"What?" Peter asked anxiously.

"Sirius seems to think we all need nicknames."

"What, like 'Moony'?" Peter said, smiling at him. Remus winced but nodded, he still hadn't been able to figure out exactly why he let Sirius call him that.

"Yeah, kind of," he said, rolling his eyes. "How about 'Wormtail'?" 

Peter's eyes lit up and he nodded vigorously.

"Sure!" The rest of them already had nicknames; he didn't care if he was last, just as long as he wasn't left out.

"And don't worry about me and Sirius," Remus said finally, as he headed out of the classroom. 'Because if he does do something like dump me in a week, there won't be much left of him to worry about' Remus thought silently.

He headed towards the dorms, intent on digging out their map and finding Sirius. It wasn't perfect, but he knew for a fact that Sirius showed up on it. And he knew he could go to the Great Hall, he had too much nervous energy to sit still long enough to eat lunch.

He made it to their dorm and muttered a silent apology to James before rummaging through his trunk. But Remus froze when he heard a muffled curse behind him. He jerked his head up to look around but ended up cursing himself as his head cracked against the lid of James' trunk.

"Ow..." he whimpered, rubbing the top of his head.

"Remus?" he turned around, slower this time, and stared at Sirius who had apparently been sitting on his bed the whole time. "What are you doing?" the question came out flat and once Remus got over the shock of finding him so quickly he realized that there was something very wrong with Sirius.

"I was looking for you," Remus said, all the things he had been going to say getting lost in his concern for his boyfriend. Sirius frowned and looked between James' open trunk and Remus. "I was trying to find the map." Remus clarified. Sirius just nodded.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked as he stood and walked over to Sirius' bed.

"Did you read the paper?" he asked, his voice still flat and unemotional. He looked up long enough to see Remus nod before bowing his head and staring at his clenched hands. "The reason that Dumbledore wanted to see me was because I knew one of the muggles that was killed." Remus couldn't stifle a gasp of surprise.

He was about to ask who, when Sirius suddenly pounded his fists into mattress. "And I shouldn't be upset! I was never going to see him again anyway." He sagged forward onto his arms, his breath hitching as he tried to keep from crying. Remus sat down next to him and put his arms around him in an awkward embrace, immediately Sirius turned and clung to him desperately.

"He...he deserved to die for what he did to me...so why...why does it hurt so much to know he's dead?" at Sirius' word, Remus finally understood who he was talking about and cringed.

"No matter how much you hate them, they're still your family." Remus said quietly to the shivering boy in his arms. He was talking more to himself than to Sirius, but neither of them really cared. They sat there in silence, Remus lost in his own thoughts as Sirius clung to him like a lifeline.

Slowly, Sirius stopped shivering and his breath evened out from the hitching gasps he had been taking in. Sirius tightened his hold on Remus for a moment and then let go, sitting back and just looking at him.

"Thank you," Sirius said quietly, giving him a tremulous smile. His hand reached out and stroked Remus' cheek. "I don't know what I'd do without you."


End file.
